NEVER LOOK A DARK HORSE IN THE EYES

Lately.. I've been stressed. It's mostly underlying but sometimes likes to manifest itself in crying fits when we run out of cheese and quick bursts of anger when traffic lights stay red for too long. It's because of this I haven't really felt like writing about what, is essentially, work for me. I might have hundreds of lessons learnt, funny anecdotes and interesting stories but it's no good when it can't come from a peaceful part of me.

So, to stay in the blogging game, I'm gonna write about my favourite subject.. ME!!! Just kidding, I like myself the adequate amount. Maybe less. Sometimes. So, what about me?

I've had the phrase dark horse thrown my way a few times. To be honest, I love it. It probably harks back to school, or college; the loud, gobby people, natural extroverts who always had something to say. I just never saw the need. Think before you speak, look before you leap etc. When I was youngish, 11 or so, we got partnered up for a science project in school. I got stuck with a girl who thought she hated me because I was shy. When the class ended, I'll never forget, she said “I like you, you're funny!”. We stayed best friends the five years through high school. I have no idea what she's up to now.

(Yeah that's me on my very last maths class ever. Excited for shit whiteboard equations. More excited to get my shirt covered in signatures and go get pissed in the park (English highschool tradition)

Nevertheless, that was my first outing – out of shyness, and into a comfortable quietness. Don't get me wrong, I was a massive weirdo in highschool. I was A grade and anti-establishment, growing up with the birth of chavs and emos. I was a target for bullies but I saw myself as a cautious rebel and they were easy to brush off. When we all went to college, started drinking, going out in town (fake IDs or a hope n a prayer), I'd bump into people I went to school with – it was all snogging on the dance floor with boys that never knew my name before and girls bumbling up to me saying “Soz about how I was in school – can we get a free drink?” - I was working in one of the busiest bars in town just before I fled town for uni. Btw I'm a massive fan of a long sentence broken up with alll this shit: ; , “ and - ;)

I didn't mean to turn this into an essay. In many places, like uni, and all the various jobs I've had, I went in quiet; I'm not shy, just thinking about how to play it. I hate the thought of even coming across as arrogant when I say I let people come to me. We live in a world now where everyone puts every part of themselves out there. Their shit Sunday roast (your mum's is always better) and a random walk they took when they managed to capture some trees next to grass with a nice filter on it. There's nothing wrong with holding a lot of yourself back. Maybe it's a fear of mine that that if I put all of myself out there on a plate I won't have anything left to give. That's the worst part of anxiety; when you're worrying about having nothing left. But I always do. You do. We all do.

I've fucked on a ferris wheel that overlooked the London Olympics opening ceremony. I'm an agnostic because spirituality is fun, but God is Dead. I have been regulars in places that have been bulldozed. I love drugs – no, I love some drugs; I hate some drugs and I tolerate some. I can bullshit your ear off about owt or sit, listen, contemplate and fix or ignore. I've straight up walked out of jobs and been seen as a hero (but also sometimes as a loser, forgotten, not worth it). I like writing shit poetry under a different pseudonym and I love cleaning bathrooms. Toilets are my speciality. I'm the middle child of two brothers and they are way both more successful than me. I cried when Sue Townsend died. I watch the UFC while I crochet granny square blankets. I'm terrified of mice and I love cats but I'm allergic. I'd find it hard to not enjoy dancing to any song, give me Abba, give me Disturbed, give me Libertines. I'm covered in bruises from MMA training and I've talked people down from suicide. I've shouted at the Samaritans and been dropkicked by bouncers on my birthday. I care but I'm so selfish. I had a gait analysis and apparently I have perfect running form... shame I love smoking. I am not a deep well, I'm a shallow puddle like everyone else. People think they know me.. and I have a double life.

I have made some amazing friends and enemies and friends again aaand became part of the furniture. When I cam I am slutty, seductive, disgusting, refreshing, boring, funny, relentless, submissive, domineering, pioneering, perfect, pissed and always a bit nervous. I'm TigerLily* but it's not really me. I meant to write 500 words about being a dark horse. Ended up spilling my guts before 800.. this is why I never fancied writing a dissertation. Love me, crucify me, ignore me.. I'm used to it ;)

*MINI COMP: I'll send 1 SBD to the person who can guess my real name. Comment your guesses. If you got this far down, hell, resteem it. It begins with L. It has three syllables. MWAH. LY <3