Helping someone with depression - How I managed to help my friend fight it out and what it taught me about depression and anxiety

Hi Steemians, hows your Monday going? Today, I would like to share a story about depression. It affected a very close friend of mine, and I realized how difficult and tiring it is for someone to cope with this perhaps dangerous problem.

I call it dangerous because it saps away at your inner spirit and tries to extinguish your fire. Some people are able to fight back, others give in, not because they are weak or anything, but because it is so difficult to fight it. Depression does not choose. I have learnt that it affects anyone. In these instances, the most important kind of support and help we provide for them is to simply be there, and let them know that we are always there for them.

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A severe case of depression can make people do things they normally won't.

I have a friend - lets call him Grant. Grant and I studied together at university for our Masters Degree. We were in different departments, but our topic of study was similar. We also had mutual interests - the gym, clubbing on weekends and travel. So we would spend a lot of time at the gym, clubbing on the weekends and also cycled around a lot, including a 500km cycle trip to Paris, France, from the Netherlands.

It did not come as a surprise to me when I didn't see him in university for a week... I am usually at one corner of the campus, and he would be at the other corner. But when a few mutual friends started to ask me where Grant was, it cause unusual of him, at a time when we were working on our graduation projects. I knew he sometimes preferred to sit at the silent room in the library, so I took a walk around to see if he was indeed there. Nope. This was my first cause for concern. I gave Grant a call, but the endless ringing continued until the call disconnected.

I did not think too much at that point of time. I headed home, and over the period of the day, forgot about it all. I left a Whatsapp message that still wasn't delivered when I checked it a day later. This was when I knew that I had to go and see what was happening.

I cycled to his house. It is at the other end of town, but it was a small student city that we lived in, so it was a mere 20 minutes crossing over from one end to the other. It started raining as I rang the bell to no response from inside. I waited nearly an hour for the rain to stop. I knew that he was home, judging from the open window in his room. He didn't answer my phone calls in that one hour, nor the door. I left in the rain. In my heart, I knew something was seriously wrong.

Over the next few days, I tried everything to get in touch with Grant, but it did not work out. I knew that I had to find a different way. I managed to run into one of his housemates, Toby, and asked him what was happening with Grant.

"Yeah, Grant has been home a lot these days. I suppose he is working on his thesis from home" was what Toby told me. I went with Toby to his place, and knocked on Grant's door. What I was was not something I expected to see. Grant answered. He looked frail, distraught and was wrapped in his blanket. A big hookah stood on the table. The room was in a mess, food plates lying everywhere. The curtains were down which made it dark. The laptop was closed and books were lying strewn around on the table. Something was not right. He was not expecting to see me, and that gave me the opening to ask what was happening point blank.

I was shocked to hear that he had dropped his thesis. No one does that unless there has been an exceptional problem with the topic.

I pushed for answers. It was very clear that he did not want to talk, but I was not leaving. And that was when the whole story came out. His thesis was not working out, at least not in the way he and his professor expected, and it was becoming harder than he expected it to be. This has caused some difficulties and he had realized that it would not be possible for him to finish on the date he had expected to finish.

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That was all he said, before he asked me if I could leave, as he 'wanted to go out'.

I didn't want to, but I knew if I stayed there much longer, it would not help my cause. I wanted to understand what was happening with my friend and his downward spiral.

A week later...

I stopped by at his place. This time, he answered the door. How was the thesis going? He was looking for alternate directions to finish his topic in, he mentioned. The room was the same as before. But this time, he was more inclined to talk to me. That day, I got to introduced to depression. And apparently, he had been trying to tell me, during our weekly bar hopping and the gym sessions that he was having problems. It had not been apparent to me, and I had not associated them towards his problems. I felt sick, and disappointed to know that I was not able to understand what troubles my friend had been going through.

Life had not been good, he told me. Once he started having problems with his thesis, he had started to smoke the hookah a little more than his usual, and over time, more than he should have. A feeling of tiredness had set in, and he had been skipping the gym. And that had been the start. Over time, with more difficulties in the thesis, he had become more withdrawn, before becoming a recluse. All that he had been doing now was sleeping a lot of the time, bouts of hookah and some food. The fact that he was away from family made the situation worse.

I was horrified to see what was happening to my friend with the depression. He was a person who looked forward to doing things, and had a good work ethic. But depression had made him something like a Husk. He was moving and talking alright, but his mind was far, far away. He looked lost, had some deep pain inside that was not willing to let go of him.

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I, by nature, am a very positive person. I countered by telling that maybe he could start with coming back to university, being out of the house, doing some work on his thesis and getting distracted from his current state of affairs. This was where he lost it.

"I did not want to tell you anything, because I knew you would not understand!"

*I tried, and I failed to understand how to help him. I had never had this feeling of depression in my life, and it was hard for me to understand how it could make my friend feel so low in life. *

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I did not get to meet Grant for a couple of days after this. I was a little busy with completing my graduation project, finishing up the last few things that needed to be done. One evening, I stopped by his place. This time, I had come to understand depression a little better, after reading some things online about the topic. This time, I would not make any suggestions, rather just listen to what he wanted to say.

We spoke about a lot of random things that day, from the gym, to the cycling trip we had done. We looked at pictures, relieved some moments on the trip, and had a beer together. When i left, I had a feeling that it was getting a little better for him to talk with me. Over the days, I repeated this process. I would stop by his house every other day, and we would just talk. In all time, he spoke about his family back home, his time studying in the USA, UK and the many things that generally happen in student life. I sat back and listened to it all.

He was slowly coming out of the shadows. I suggested if we could clean up the table a bit and the stack of plates that sat on it.

We washed the plates together, and made something quick to eat. All this time, I was feeling much better about the helping my friend get out of his depression. He still was not up to stepping out of home and getting back to university, but I knew we were getting there. I met Grant regularly. We went out to smoke a doobie. My main motive was to get him out of the house.

He told me that over the past few days, he had been feeling a little better about his situation. Some amount of motivation had come back.

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I would not have felt more happier than at that moment, knowing that I had been able to help my friend fight depression simply by being there. Once he acknowledged that the situation was getting better, I made my visits more consistent. A couple of weeks and by the end of November, he was open to the idea of trying to work and salvage his thesis. He was working from home now, and there had been some progress. I asked him if he wanted to come to university.

I cycled to his place early the next morning, and we started to university together. I never made a mention of it, but I knew my friend was back. All he needed was a little more support to get his rhythm and routine back. This was where the gym helped. Little by little, we worked out regularly, and he was feeling much more positive and inspired to get work done. For once, my friend was not taking one step forward and two steps back. He had fought his worst demons and was now on his way to being his usual self.

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I learnt that depression is the worst thing that can affect a healthy human being.

To see my friend plummet into the depths of depression was not a experience that I ever wanted to happen to anyone. But, we all have our demons. I realized that to help someone with a case of depression was not to suggest, offer opinions or tell them that you are there for them, but rather just be present. I suppose that by being there as a friend and not making it obvious that you are actually there to help them get out of depression is the key. In the early stages, when I tried to offer help, it was shut down point blank. But once I started being there simply as a friend, the situation improved.

People with depression have frequent ups and downs cycles. The downs are more than the ups. I realized that it was very important to be there for that person consistently, so they do not end up staying in the downs for too long. Small actions have helped, whether it is offering to buy grocery, making something to drink, or even offering to have a meal together. Over time, it tells the person that they can trust you and feel safe in talking to you. Depressed people probably need more reassurance than others, but not in a way that makes it very obvious.

From this incident, I learnt to really understand a person from the inside, rather than the outside. It taught me the approach to delve inside them, and talk to them about things that truly complemented them, or made them feel important and worthwhile. Once i started acknowledging those things, it led to easier and more thoughtful conversations. It built a sense of empathy in me, and i started to see things from their perspective. Doing so helped me understand (a little) how depression had affected them. Once I learnt that, it was (a little) easier for me to realize how I could help them. There would often be setbacks and relapses in the early stages of support, but with consistency, their frequency reduced.

And i believe is how we can help people who are suffering from depression. This is of course my way of doing it, but I suppose it would help you, if you have a loved one, friend or colleague that is suffering from depression and you have a feeling of helplessness.

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Your friends and family are there for you.

To the people who feel they are lost, helpless and powerless over things in their daily life, please know that your friends are there to support you. Even if it is one good friend. Please talk to them, if you have a feeling of constant anxiety, stress or helplessness. The sooner you do, the better it will be. Plunging to the depths of depression and anxiety only makes it harder to escape from its grasp.

Your friends and your family, whichever you prefer, will always be there for you. They may not understand the problem straight away, and some of their methods of help may frustrate you, but please, hang on in there. They are trying their best to help you out too. It will happen slowly at first. But once the initial phase has been completed, you will feel better and more open to talking to them. Please give it a little time.

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We may have that one friend, family, or colleague who needs help...

We may fail to see the signs at first, but if something is consistently out of the normal with their behavior, or they seem to be more absent than present, there might be a problem. It is very important that as supporters, we understand the situation someone with anxiety or depression is going through first, and then finding a solution for it. Telling someone with the problem that everything will be okay will be the worst thing we can do. It offers a sense of false hope and can make the problem worse.

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If you feel that someone you know well has a problem, please be there for them consistently. Dropping out halfway can make the person feel lost, betrayed, and sink them deeper into depression. It is essential to go the distance as a supporter. They will never ask for help. Anxious and depressed people will try to hide all their problems and not acknowledge it out of the fear of finding things they do not want to face. The fact that you notice they need help even though they will not ask for it is the most important step on your side.

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Today, my friend has graduated from University, and has been working with a multi-national company for the last one and a half years. He is working on some topics he loves, and things have been going well for him.

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We never talk about the past, but we both know what it took to fight it.

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If you like my work, please upvote and comment/resteem. Share your experiences in the comment below.

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