I Wish I Could Go Home for the Funeral of My "Mom" - A Tribute to Cynthia Rodeo

Today was a reminder of how unexpectedly the Grim Reaper can suddenly take away a loved one at any moment. I woke up to a phone call and a text message informing me of the sudden passing of someone who I've always considered to be my second mom. She was actually my aunt, but I considered her as a secondary mother figure in my life because she raised me for parts of my childhood. You see, I was a very troubled child back then, beset by severe ADHD and other behavioral issues, and part of my therapy was spending time away from my birth family and living in a different family environment.

I was blessed to have my aunt and her family be willing to participate in that part of my therapy, so I spent many nights and weekends living with them and being treated like an actual part of their birth family. She and my uncle treated me as if I were their son, and I grew up with my cousins treating me like I was their younger brother. I even called her Mom back in those days because of how much they truly treated me as part of their family and how much they truly took care of me.

I'll always remember how she would always cook me the best Chamorro foods all the time and how she would spoil me with her culinary prowess. I'll always remember how she made a serious effort to teach me the Chamorro language so that I could grow up understanding the language of my people. I grew up with a very large network of extended family because all of her relatives, though not directly related to me by blood, came to see and accept me as their cousin as well because of how much time I spent in my aunt's home. Though I am Filipino by birth and both of my birth parents are Filipinos, a huge part of me will always be Chamorro because of the time I spent being raised by my second Mom and growing up in the local island culture.

The news came as such a shock to me that I've been feeling so out of it all day today, and I didn't really want to do anything productive. Honestly, I didn't really feel like doing anything, period. After that phone call and text message I tried to put it out of my mind, I didn't want to confront the reality of the situation and I certainly did not want to think about the news that I had woken up to. I tried to fill my head with other things, but the truth of the matter was still stuck there in the back of my mind, like a splinter that I couldn't get out no matter how hard I tried and no matter what kind of tweezers I used.

As I grew older, I also grew more distant from my second mom and her family. Hell, I grew distant from my own family, too, but I guess that's just how I was at the time, I didn't quite fully understand the value of my family. But I still always wanted to make her proud. At one point, I had to stop my political activism and trying to rally the troops, so to speak, to take action and make a change back home on Saipan, because I found out that certain government allies came to her and asked her how she was related to me, since I was causing such a stir. I feared for her safety so I had to take a break from those activities for a while.

It was during that time that I really distanced myself from her and her family because I felt so ashamed that my activities had caused them to fall onto someone's radar just because they shared the same last name with me. Now that she's gone, she'll never know how much I truly appreciate her for doing what she did for me when I was a kid. Now that she's gone, she'll never see the day when I finally become Governor of the CNMI. She'll never see the day when I am speaking and writing in Chamorro fluently and trying to save our culture and language for future generations of Mariana Islanders. I'll never be able to look her in the face and thank her for everything after finally achieving my dream of becoming the Governor and bringing about the change the I wish to see in our islands.

What kills me the most, is that I live in Utah now, and a plane ticket home costs about $2,000 USD, which I can't currently afford and I don't have a way of acquiring that kind of money at the moment. I can't even go home to be there for the funeral of a woman who I came to know as my second mother. I can't be there to grieve with my extended family, with everyone who took me in as if I were a blood relative, even though I was not. I can't be there to share in their sorrow and their pain. I can't be there to celebrate the life of this wonderful woman who did her best to provide a great life for her sons. I can't be there to mourn her loss with my two cousins, who were like my older brothers when I was growing up.

My biggest regret is not talking to her more often and not being more a part of her life in my adult years. She'll never know how much I loved being a part of her family and how much I appreciate everything that she did for me when I was growing up.

And it kills me.

In a perfect world, this post would blow up and generate the money that I need to buy my plane ticket home. I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, though, especially with having such a small following on here, so I'm not holding out hope. It would be nice if it did happen, though. I held off on writing anything today because I just didn't know how to process the pain of losing a motherly figure in my life, and try as I might, I just couldn't bring myself to write anything on Steemit today, up until now.

I decided that in order to try to process these emotions that I'm feeling, I would do what my heart loves doing most: sing. So I sang the song To Where You Are by Josh Groban, having to re-record a couple of times because I came very close to having a complete breakdown on camera and bawling my eyes out. After the emotional release I experienced through singing that powerful song, I came here and sat down and started to write. These unfiltered thoughts came pouring out of my head and onto the screen into this post that you are now reading.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. Sorry to anyone who was expecting a post from me sooner today. I try my best to make a post every day, but sometimes, like on days like this...things happen that completely zap my drive to do anything productive. Anyway...this song is for you, Mom. I love you and will always miss you. I hope that you will be watching from up above someday when I finally do become Governor of the CNMI and when I finally do become fluent in Chamorro like you tried to help me be all those years ago. I hope you will be proud of me. God be with you till we meet again.

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Check out some of my other posts!

What You Need to Know About Telling Veterans "Thank You" on Veterans Day
The Tossed and Forgotten - An Ode to Our Veterans
How I Achieved 200 Followers in My First Month on Steemit
Why I Chose to Invest $100 in Steem
My First Week on Steemit
The Dawn of The Dancing Dreamers
The Dawn of Friendship In a New Age
I'm Just an Island Boy Living in Utah who Loves EDM

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