My hardest fight

The hardest fight I've had in my life is the one that I had with alcohol. Not only did I have to give up the drink completely but as the craving began to come thick and fast it became very apparent that everything in my life; my hobbies, my friends, the places I went to, all reminded me in some fashion of beer, or wine, or spirits. It was hard because not only did I have the internal battle with the reason that I stopped drinking, I was also having to fight not having a drink wherever I went. And let's be real here, I had been drinking every day almost since I was 14 and everything, absolutely everything, revolved around alcohol. It was a struggle.

I gave up alcohol because of the situations that I would often find myself in under the influence and that I couldn't handle the few days afterwards that I would feel sick and horrible. I have heard it called 'the fear' before, I am assuming it's that horribly anxious feeling you have as the alcohol is exiting your body. I wanted that to end and I had convinced myself that I would live a happier life if only I was alcohol free.

I did manage it. The year is 2017 and I haven't touched a drop since 2006, but I was put to task many times; often sweating as I ran past the alcohol aisles in the supermarket. Let's be clear here, I had a humungous amount of help and support when it came to giving up and I would be surprised to know of anyone ditching any addiction without having help from someone or some service. For me having the help that I needed at the right time was the big difference. If I was left to my own devices I have no doubt that I would have fallen back to all that I've known and feel comfortable doing; getting blasted. Here's my story

***

The beginning

I remember sitting in the warm fire station as I waited for my name to be called. Karen had told me to go there and talk to a lady called Thecla; she was part of the organisation that Karen had recommended me to. New Thresholds. It was rather intimidating as I felt other people at empty desks bore their eyes through me, even the staff from the Jobcentre were having a good laugh at someone's expense, who? Anyone's guess. It felt as though they were laughing at me, yet I had grown to know the shape of my insecurities, and that perhaps I should just concentrate on something else.

My name was called and off I popped to sit down with Thecla. She was a relatively young lady; albeit older than me but she seemed warm and kind and someone that I wanted to talk to. It's safe to say that for the first time in my life I had felt safe around someone I didn't know, which was highly unlike me. She asked me questions about why I wanted to volunteer with her, my addictions, and my aspirations in life. I ended up having a little cry at the end, it was strange, I had never allowed myself to be this vulnerable with anyone before and here was me pouring my heart out to someone I didn't know.

"All I wanted out of life was a nice job, a lovely family and a nice house"

We closed the session by her deciding that she and her organisation could do something with me. I had told her that I was going to have one last drink on the following Saturday as a blow out before I started New Thresholds on the Monday. It was a sensible choice, picking a day to have my last drink and then I could finalise the deal in my mind, and so that's what I did.

Last binge!

That Saturday came and went in a flash. I remember telling my friends what I was going to do and as I explained it they slowly edged away from me as if I had Leprosy, but I expected that response in all honesty. When someone starts to buck a trend that's been done by the same people for almost a decade, it challenges their own ideas of self; they didn't like that. I was going to have to fall in order or be ostracised from the group.

A new beginning

As Monday came along I remember meeting two people at the train station that were off to the same place that I was. People like me who had barriers to overcome. Some were obvious and in plain sight, others, not so much. This is where I met Richard, and such a lovely and opportunistic time for me to start my volunteering. Richard was an ex-alcoholic and boy did I have a million and one questions for him as our time progressed. He had been sober for a year and he was in his late 50's; I had held him in high regard as a sort of father figure in some strange way. He was always there for me, happy, joking, and able to answer absolutely any question I had for him,

"How did you manage your first year? Was passing the alcohol aisle hard?"

It's safe to say that I really enjoyed his company from day one, and he was a big help for me trying to achieve sobriety because I had always been a competitive person. I wanted to be the best that I could be, and achieving what he had achieved was a must. It just had to be done.

Volunteering

Volunteering at New Thresholds was fun and for the first time ever I had felt like a valued worker, a good worker. Someone that can't be replaced very easily. In a sense that was right, because I had been used to working to tight deadlines in the past, and always having a crap-load of work stacked a mile high was quite the normal for me in previous positions. It's safe to say that the position didn't challenge me very much.

The main point here I think that I took away from this was that for the first time ever, out of all the positions I had worked in the past I was feeling a 'value' to my work that I had never quite experienced before. Yes, the company was smaller but it really solidified my eagerness to work for them more. A valued staff member is a better worker. This is the case always. And through that value I felt part of something; part of something greater than myself. Part of a family that cared for me in a way that I had never been cared for before. They understood me and wanted the best for me.

And for me that was the clincher. Feeling that I was part of something greater than myself, and something positive, having friends that were not alcoholic and recognising that I was amongst others that were going through the same struggles as me; it really helped me stay clean. It helped me be a better person. I miss that occasionally.

Challenges aplenty

That's not to say my journey wasn't wrought with challenges and hurdles from the outset and throughout. Three weeks into my sobriety I nearly jacked it all in. I nearly gave it all up for a bottle of vodka, a bag of ice and some coke. I had bought it from the shop earlier in the day and was ready to drink the lot. I was ready to just pack all that hard work over the last three weeks because the cravings had become too much; I was falling back on my safety net. I remember taking the loot to my friends. I have no idea why I did it looking back, perhaps it was out of subconscious guilt, but she made me hand it over to her. And she did it the right way too; she didn't grab it away from me, she asked me to hand it over, which I did. I remember feeling mightily annoyed with myself that day but probably not as much were I to give in and drink what I had just bought.

There were a few other wobbles that I've had too. There were times where I've had to give my friends my bank card so that I wouldn't go to the shop and buy alcohol, and times when I'd break out into a cold sweat passing the alcohol aisle, but I managed to stay clean in the end.

I was lucky

I do understand how lucky I was. I had friends that actively supported my sobriety. Some people aren't as lucky. Some people have a tough job getting out of the circles they've found themselves in through a lifetime of bad decisions and never learning from them.

But through my understanding over the last eleven years sometimes all it takes is a kind word, or help from someone that cares, someone that gives a shit. Someone that will take the time to go out of their way to understand and help you. This was fast beginning a life that I had never experienced before and it was starting to really enjoy it.