Practice Makes Perfect

Hi everyone! It's me again. I'm slightly confused today.I'm not sure how I got here or what this place is anymore. I'm a bit worried.

I Woke Up Today

I'm sure we all wake up, most days. I remember, on a few occasions, I'd wake up and want to go back to sleep. Sometimes it's because I drank too much the night before. Other times it's just too darn cold outside and I have difficulty locating my coat. It's too bad we can't just go out wearing blankets because I'd rock that look, but that's a story for another day.

My memories seem so distant, for some reason. Like I've somehow been disconnected from one reality and plugged in to the next. I know that sounds strange. Trust me, it feels strange. I know I didn't drink last night.

I had a bit of trouble collecting my thoughts this morning. It lasted for nearly one half of an hour. I just don't get it. Majority of the time I wake up raring to go. Usually I have my morning prepared. The coffee should have been timed and finished brewing, it wasn't. The sugar wasn't in the same cupboard and I had to look for it. I've endured a few absent minded moments over the years, but I never keep the sugar with the plates. Finding the cereal inside of the refrigerator happens, but that too is a story for another day.

The mugs were all on the correct shelf, but the handles, I usually point them to the right because I'm right-handed. This morning, the handles were facing in every direction. My cupboards were chaos.

I cleaned up the mess, pulled open a few drawers and finally found my silverware. The appearance, the shine, it seemed off. I distinctly remember a pattern that consisted of three lines with a small divot on the handles. Maybe an old one got thrown into the mix and I grabbed that instead. The spoon did seem familiar, but strange. I think I'll have a closer look later, if I ever get home.

I stirred my coffee with my left hand. I watched it happen. Sometimes I like to test out my left hand and make it do new tricks, this wasn't one of those times. Normally that hand is quite useless and just hangs there. Today, I'm ambidextrous. Actually, to be completely honest with you, my right hand feels lame. It works, I know how to use it, but it just feels numb, or something. It's really hard to put into words.

My Head Still Hurts

The pain killers were really easy to find. When I closed the cabinet, I saw myself. I've been looking at my reflection for years, but was I actually seeing myself? I took a long, hard, look. I stared into my eyes, or at least, tried to. I've always wondered if I'm the only person who cannot look at both eyes at the same time, but that's a story, for another day.

The toothbrush seemed hard, the toothpaste was awful and for some reason my gums started bleeding. I don't ever remember that happening to me before. The beard needed a good trim. I'm surprised how fast this facial hair stuff can grow. The scissors were nearly impossible to use. I didn't do a very good job. Nobody notices these things though. When was the last time someone came up to you, measured your beard length, and then reminded you to not be late for your next beard measurement?

My coat was hanging by the door, thankfully, and I headed out to the car. The key wouldn't work. This happened at the mall one time. It took me a few minutes to realize I was trying to enter the wrong vehicle. This time, the car was in my driveway.

This technology stuff. Always with the dead batteries. It's nearly 2017 and they haven't invented a solar powered key yet. I guess that's a story for another day though.

I reached into my coat pocket where I normally keep the phone. Empty. I walked back up to the house, door was locked, forgot my house keys. Those are sitting beside the phone on the table below the security keypad.

Things only got worse.

Some Guy Pulls Up

I've never seen him before. He's asking me what I'm doing standing on his porch. I'm like your porch? This is my porch!

The porch argument turned into a fist fight. He pushed me, so I answered with a strong right uppercut because it was my porch and I felt threatened. It didn't phase him though.

I guess since I have to describe him, I'd feel confident comparing him to a union night shift forklift operator who's been there for thirty years with the mentality of someone who's about to get fired. He's a big strong guy and I could not tame the beast within. He had his way with me, but not like that.

He opened the door, I didn't see how, he must have kicked it. He gave me a couple more kicks while I was down and dragged me inside. It felt like a reverse home invasion of sorts. He forced me to walk up the stairs while constantly jabbing and pushing me. Some of those shots hit the soft spot on my lower back. I was really starting to feel ill.

He was guiding me towards my bedroom and I thought to myself, oh crap, this big bear is going rape me for sure. That's when I saw her, for the first time.

This woman was actually inside my house, naked, on my bed, the entire time. I yelled you there! What are you doing on my bed!

The big burly stranger yelled, "That's my bed and my wife," plus he said a few bad words which I'll leave out. She was begging him to stop hitting me and he was asking her why she was defending me. They started to argue and I used that as a distraction to crawl out of the bedroom and roll down the steps. I didn't mean to actually roll down the steps. I envisioned it more like tobogganing before I pushed off. I made a lot of noise and I hit my head a few times quite hard.

I Guess That's When the Police Showed Up

It's a good feeling when you know those out to protect and serve are doing their jobs. The neighbors must have called. They've always been good to me.

So anyway, on the way to jail, we stopped at the hospital. I guess it's just standard procedure, or whatever. I wouldn't know because I've never been in trouble before. A family member stopped in and let me borrow their phone. I couldn't go a day without updating my blog and I worry about you guys.

My head sure hurts though and I can't really remember anything. The police would like me to take a statement once I'm released. This was the dress rehearsal. My lawyer said I better have a good story this time, whatever that means. It's so silly. The police tell me I ransacked the kitchen, emptied the medicine cabinet and tried to steal a car along with a nice coat. I have no idea where they get their information. Someone will be pleading insanity in this case and I know it's not going to be me!

So yeah, that's about it, there's my day. How was yours?

Oh! Before I forget. If anyone asks, my name is Fred, I was here all night and I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Thanks, you folks are awesome!

End

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Today's cover is titled Say It Ain't So and was produced by me.The second image is an altered photo of my garden. Untitled.

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"Usually I'll write something funny here! Not today!"
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