Money, Drugs, Guns: The Things I Look For In A Woman

in life •  4 months ago

Finding the right candidate to invest your time in can be difficult.

If you're like me, you've seen thousands of women in your lifetime; all shapes and sizes.

NoNamesLeftToUse - Welcome.jpeg

Sometimes you can tell,

just by looking at them.

The way they walk, that little twinkle in their eye.  Are they nervous or calm?  Could this be, the one?

Some only stare at the body but me, I read the body as if it's speaking to me from beyond.  Long before these ladies go through my screening process, nine times out of ten, I already know what to expect.

I have x-ray vision and I can see right through them.  Nothing gets past me.

As a border patrol agent, I take my job seriously.  I'm protecting an entire country so if some random woman wants to shove money, drugs, guns or other contraband up her vagina, it's my duty to stop her and yank that shit out.

Money, Drugs, Guns: The things I look for in a woman...



NoNamesLeftToUse - The Reason Why Your Arm Hurts.jpeg

Yup

I could almost make a good living doing this.

The blog post joke.

  • Never reveal the fact humor is on the horizon.
  • A catchy title that sounds serious is important.
  • Some sleight of hand magic; more distractions.
  • Lead them down a bit of a rabbit hole with a seemingly honest story.
  • Sudden twist; punchline.
  • Nobody sees it coming.

Normally I'd write a much longer story when I feel like doing one of those jokes.

About ten days ago I shared a prime example of this approach.  I felt kind of bad after because at first, many had no idea I had pulled a fast one on them.

The story just went on and on and on (by design) to the point where I felt most would be bored, then I switched gears and revealed the joke.  It went over a few heads and I sat here laughing to myself all afternoon once the comments started pouring in.

NoNamesLeftToUse - Fork.jpeg

I'm sorry,

but I'm not sorry!

Good times.

Many of you who've been following my blog for awhile know not to let your guards down for too long.

I'm sure many first timers here, once subjected to one of these jokes, quickly settle into some kind of a WTF moment.

Did that just happen?  What the hell did I just read?

I've always enjoyed catching people off guard like that.  If I tell everyone they're about to read something humorous, I sometimes get those fake ha ha ha ha ha comments from people who truly have no idea what they just read.  Then other days I'll clearly label the post as potentially humorous by using 'funny' as the first tag, and some folks come along and take it all seriously.

That's annoying, but at least it makes me laugh.

And just so you know: Those of you who do get it and appreciate my sense of humor, mean a lot to me.  There's nothing funny in this world without a genuine response to it after.

NoNamesLeftToUse - What Have I Become.jpeg

So I've been nominated again multiple times.

People want me to enter into the #comedyopenmic challenge for some strange reason.

"Say something funny @NoNamesLeftToUse!" ...is usually the precise moment when I can't think of something funny to say.  I'm sure a few of you out there can relate to that one.

So, whatever.

We have the lame-ass joke above, a few mellow humorous lines between here and there, and then I had a great idea just now after watching some body-cam footage of police officers pulling over drunk people.

After watching these people act like idiots and fail their roadside sobriety tests, I think I've discovered a loophole that could possibly help many people avoid being charged with driving under the influence.

When the police officer pulls out his little light and asks you to follow it with your eyes only, follow their directions for a few seconds, then pretend the officer has hypnotized you and start clucking like a chicken.  The officer will probably ask what the hell your problem is.  Simply ignore them and start looking for bugs on the ground.  That'll save you a world of hurt, I'm sure of it.
Disclaimer: That was not legal advice and I am not a lawyer.

NoNamesLeftToUse - That Glowing Thing is Back.jpeg

I don't go in front of cameras very often.

But I imagine that dumb joke you just read could be extended into a damn fine video.

I like being behind the scenes.

Writing and directing is more my style.  Maybe someday I'll be able to get a team together and take some of my ideas to the next level.  Some actors, a good producer, camera and sound people; fuck, this is getting expensive just thinking about it.

Anyway

I'm clearly rambling again.

It's Sunday, I don't know if anyone is out there.  If you are, or were; thanks for coming.  The art today was just a random selection of some of my older work.  It has nothing to do with anything other than adding some color to this thing I called a blog post.

I may as well kill a few more birds with one stone and nominate @tkappa and @bethwheatcraft to join in the #comedyopenmic festivities.  With those nominations out of the way, I guess that somehow makes this post an official entry.

Have a nice day.

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Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
"Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!"

© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.

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nice art with a great article

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Nice comment with a great word selection.

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hahahahahhaahahahahahaah this may have made me laugh even harder than reading your post .. I upvote you , you upvote me my friend? Please visit my blog! I follow you, please follow me back!

:')

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Steemit comments in a nutshell, basically.

Diaries Of An Art Smuggler coming to Netflix in December! A broader portal agent just trying to side hustle some art across the boarder finds himself in another kind of situations. He bites off more than he can chew when he starts trying to smuggle just more than art across the boarder. The ladies are really into his art just as long as he helps keep the flow of Doc Brown, and Betty White across the border.

Will he find love? Will he seal the deal in more than just lacquer? Find out how this average joe becomes the world’s most famous art smuggler of the 80’s!

It's already Monday guess I missed the party--oops.

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That's a cool plug. I read it in one of those action movie trailer voices.

"I'm sorry,
but I'm not sorry!"

I am truly sorry that you are not sorry that I am sorry that you are (not?) sorry. But, if we could get beyond that - I think that we could be friends!

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Maybe one day I truly will be sorry enough to be your friend. I'm glad we had this talk.

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Well! If that's the way you feel about it!!! Did you think that I need you to be my friend? That would be the day (that you are sorry enough for that!). But do keep your hopes up. It's good for your mood (and who likes a depressed comic?)

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and who likes a depressed comic?

Everyone!

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Not until they are dead LoL

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Wikipedia said the same thing about outsider artists so don't you worry, I'm working on it!

Hey! I pretended to be hypnotized by the cop and started clucking like a chicken just like you said, and the cop just tasered me in the nuts. Then he got back in his car and drove away, so I guess I did get let go.

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I told you it would work! And now you got electric seed and you'll be able place a future superhero inside some lucky lady someday! Win/win!

officially upvoted your official entry as it was officially funny...officially speaking

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I guess that offically officializes the officializing officials then. Thank you!

To be hypnotized by the police officer's flashlight and start clucking like a chicken... OMG, that's fuckin' hysterical. Do we get extra points for making the officer laugh? With my luck, I'd have a short vacation in jail. LOL

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Just keep doing that in the drunk tank and you won't have to worry about the other drunks wanting to fight. By the time they actually get things sorted and administer the breath test, you should be sober. Then snap out of it and ask, "How did I get here?"

Well I suppose that if you have enough guns you don't need to hide any drugs and money because you can use them to get money and drugs for free. These smugglers are working harder than they need to.

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They could just go around the damn entry point as well. There's a wide open field right over there -----> Why go straight to the place where all the police are standing?

The things I look for in a woman

God damn it @NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself, you really never fail to disappoint. Wait. I mean, I'm never disappointed with your fail-- no, that's not right either.... shit!

Well, I think I fucked that up somewhere along the line. The point is, your jokes are good and you should feel good. Hope you're having a great Sunday.

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I fail to appoint a dis. Wait, no, that's not it either. A point of dis fail. What's da point of dis...

I do feel good, I think, therefore I am. Something like that. I'm just pressing random buttons.

Sunday is good. I hope all is well on your end of the internet as well.

I spent the afternoon surrounded by people that pride themselves in their normalness. And now I'm home and it's rainy and dreary - perfect timing to find you in my feed.

Isn't that red guy up there the one that eats people at the beach? There have been a few attacks around here lately, and everyone thought it was sharks...

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That's the Circle Game guy. You're thinking about this one:
NoNamesLeftToUse - Pulled Under.jpeg

That went along with the story about the beings in the water that feast upon people. It's one of my favorites too.

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I see. So many critters, hard to keep them all sorted.

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Sorted? My hard drive is a disaster and most days I can't even find what I'm looking for, which is why I pick at random. One would think I could just search the names, but of course I got all creative with the titles and can't even remember them half the time...

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Yep, I have no idea what I've titled anything - damn creativity. I only remember things in story form, hence I mix all your images up with the stories I remember.

As a female the idea of a woman shoving guns up her hoo hoo makes me cringe. Drugs okay. Money okay. But not a gun. I bet I could fool you if I was a smuggler though. I've got a great poker face. No guns but I'd smuggle other things across the boarder for a good price. ;)

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When I was trying to figure out which direction to take that joke, I did some research. I actually Googled "things found inside vaginas at border crossings" and I came upon a list of stuff that included things like: armpit deodorant lid, tooth brush, phone charger, bike reflector... you know, just normal things I guess. One line I thought of using was "Damn! Whatever happened to buying a handbag!"

The last art, is that godzilla looking under a womans skirt? Ah (0.0)

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I think it's just that little glowing creature who often visits me when I'm busy cleaning and inhaling the fumes.

I love the spectrum that jokes can have. Some days I only want lighthearted feel-good type humor and on ever increasing occasions I prefer something a little more morbid. Thanks for providing me the latter without me needing an introspection at what direction I'm going in lol.

By the way, pictures 3 & 4 definitely have some "horror from the depths of the sea" type vibe. Is there a story that spawned those or was it just a random creation you made?

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3 was a body I tried to dissolve in the tub but I think I used the wrong chemicals, I think. I wrote something to go along with it and now I can't even remember why is says "fork", but I think it was funny. 4 is like a 'what have I become' kind of thing, but originally I think it was about a psycho kid drowning a teddy bear. LOL!

And yeah when it comes to humor I like to take a stab at everything. Some days I'm a ranting lunatic and others it's just mellow. Some forms aren't even meant to make people laugh. More a peculiar thing or 'oh, I didn't think of that before'.

If you're like me, you've seen thousands of women in your lifetime; all shapes and sizes.

Thank you internet xD

it's my duty to stop her and yank that shit out.

If you want to change careers you can always start a midwife job xD

BTW regarding the drunk driving you probably alrdy seen this but it's always good to remember:

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I have seen that one. That's a classic. Have you seen this one:

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"Maybe i'll go down, or maybe i'm not " ahahah, how come i've spent hundreds of hours watching youtube video but never seen this MASTERPIECE!!

When I read the title the first woman that came to my mind was Bonnie hahahaha!

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I don't know who Bonnie is. Is that the one who goes with Clyde?

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Yes that Bonnie came in to my mind!

In real life, my personality is much the same as online. Except online, I communicate through text, so I use BIG words I would otherwise struggle to say in reality. So like real life, I am that person in the room who never gets the joke. That stares from left to right and back again, giving the people around me that confused and bimbo-ed glazed look. If there was a joke there, it was missed, but I’ve never claimed to be clever, and I often skim read and just look at pictures. Did I tell you I want to be a writer? Nevermind, let’s focus on the picture I love most. That would be that second one. The one under “Welcome”. I love that red eye thing. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because it’s strikingly anxious and uses a color palette I love. Greens and reds, a bit of Christmas. Some blue is always calming too.

I’d resteem this post too, if it was the second image that would be displayed, because I love hanging art on my blog. But I can’t, because the first image says “Welcome”, when the word that I’d prefer to hang on my blog today is “Fuck you”.

Not in reference to you of course. But others.
-sigh-

Have a beautiful day.

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I purposely keep my writing simple. I like my words to speak. I have a decent sized arsenal of prodigious words at my disposal, but I don't want to confuse people more than you are now.

That art you like is also a hidden joke. Are you familiar with the Circle Game? People make that gesture with their hand (if you look closely you can see a finger and thumb), hold it low, and if someone looks at it, the one making the circle gesture gets to punch the looker on the arm as hard as they want. It's some juvenile shit, yeah, but I was a kid once and it was fun.

The last time I wrote 'fuck' in the cover image, I got flagged to death, so I try to avoid that now.

You have a wonderful day, yourself.

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I’m confusing people? I was being sarcastic. My idea of big words isn’t very big, just words that take more energy to articulate. I’m lazy. I say this often because it’s true. An extra syllable is one too many for me to say.

As for not getting the joke. I’m not talking about the subject or the patrol border vagina search thing. I’m talking about the imagery. I thought they had more meaning than I could be bothered gleaning. I’m actually simple minded, I see bright colors and I get distracted and lose interest in the words. It’s one of the problems I have with your blog posts. I actually lose interest in what you write often because I’m distracted by the kaleidoscope of colors. I prefer to look at the art. ;)

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You're not confusing people, I'm confusing people, I think. Now I'm confused. Oh well.

And that's all good. There's a little bit of something for everyone here I guess. Some people like the art, some don't, that's life. Some days I'll do a short and sweet post; and people give me shit because spending six hours working on the art wasn't good enough for them LOL!

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Well, let me make this clear for you. I visit you because I’m interested in your art. The words are an accompaniment to the experience. They will always come second to the imagery for me. But this is the same for any artists I care to visit on Steemit. I want the art to stop me, and the words to hold me in my place enough to enjoy the art. But that’s me.

Posting is hard work isn’t it? My comic took me most of the day, say about 8-10 hours on and off throughout the day. But I know it’s not valued like other art pieces, it’d be considered cutesy and shallow, unworthy of being considered art. At least your work is considered ‘art’, there’s that! What I do is a ‘joke’. So yeah, that’s ‘life’.

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The emo-bot has just detected dangerously high levels of emo on this post.
Time for an appearance from enlightened-emo-boy!
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If you would like this bot to follow your posts, then you are out of luck. It only exists for @linnyplant. You wouldn't get it.

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It is hard work. Majority of my posts take hours upon hours to complete. I've burned myself out several times. Then trying to be in the 'on' mode all the time with humor is next to impossible, but then I'll just go dark, write a story maybe, or just focus on the art and ramble on about life.

Those comics are valued, they do have their place. I know I personally respect them. I mean, what would a good newspaper be without the funny pages? Incomplete, that's what. This place needs more of that but I know how much time it takes to produce. Those overvalued memes from back in the day a few months ago scared a lot of the artists away. Eventually though, this place will find it's way and some people will go straight for the funny pages, much like they do with a newspaper.

Damn where do I get a job like that? Writing humor in serious way and inspecting ...er ...women? Sign me up! LOL

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Check craigslist.

Haha, you got me.
Thanks for participating. <3

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You're welcome. Thanks for stopping in!

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Maybe someday I'll be able to get a team together and take some of my ideas to the next level. Some actors, a good producer, camera and sound people; fuck, this is getting expensive just thinking about it.

I think you should just start.
Make homemade videos first, then take it from there. See where it goes.
Surprising things happen when you start.

For some reason we at COM seem to like your entries, because we dig your humor @nonameslefttouse You got special skills seeing through women, maybe you should consider making a serious living out of that. But then again, can you even be serious ? I am still waiting for your post about how to make crack btw.. was soooo looking forward to that one, it must crack me up reading it..

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I don't think I can make a serious living doing anything serious. I tried that a few times, seriously got places, and boredom was one of those places.

I could try to whip up some crack but I don't often recycle jokes. I'd have to think of a new joke to go with the crack.

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Maybe this time you actually tell us how to make crack.
*wink *wink *wink

Hahahaaa, dude, you'd think I'd be able to predict the twist after reading you for nearly two years- andddd, I'm not even attempting a comedy post this week now ;)

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Jammed with foreshadow yet! You should still try something funny out though. This place needs all the laughs it can get.

That's annoying, but at least it makes me laugh.
Indeed.

I also love the unique art

The art is scary and funny at the same time hmm so creative content, i think you should write with @originalworks to earn a lil

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Whoever they are, they haven't approached me. I'm not comfortable using tags of specific groups if I haven't been invited to do so.

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Every one is invited. If you follow @originalworks , you will check their post recently to know when the next comtest starts. I belive in you, you can win steem for your self

what a creativity!!

Keep an eye out for a 48 hour film festival. I think you would really like it. I have played a part in two of them. Nice colours today and I have seen the second image before. I think it's called "chicken with misplaced eye in its side."

Damn.. I feel deceived... but great twist @nonameslefthouse , there is clearly some technique into pulling that one off on a short writing .. btw... followed your advice ...blogging from jail...thanks!......(help)

I too has seen thousands of women. Where they's all gone I don't know.
Say, hasn't I seen you before?

Daem you unwavering boarder patrol secret agents!