What would you do?
This is not hypothetical.
For the last week I have been burdened with the knowledge that someone I know is lying in a hospital bed facing the very real possibility of life-long paralysis. The don't want this known, and they don't know that I know (I have my means).
At my disposal is a network of significant community members who could bring to bear much needed support and resources. And believe you me I know what impact and complications impaired mobility can bring to bear upon a life, not least of which are matters of self care and the threat of choking during sleep, let alone diminished community participation and reduced social interaction.
I could act to aid this person and diminish the jeopardy they face, but in doing so I will make their current circumstances public and thus bring unwanted attention (and in their opinion, shame) upon them, the very thing that motivated their demand for silence.
"Do no harm."
There is one axiom, among others, that should be rooted deeply in the heart of all ethics: Do No Harm.
By not acting upon a set of circumstances, facts, or conditions, that one knows will lead to harm, one is indirectly causing harm by proxy, fait accompli.
But in this scenario taking action, no matter how benevolent the intention, harm will be done both psychologically and socially.
It is within my power yet it has not been asked of me, and I cannot claim implied consent, regardless of any ostensible piety or nobleness that may be conferred upon the trumpet call to bannermen in the time of need. It would simply be a selfish act to salve my sense of justice or care for others.
So, I ask you.
"What would you do?"
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I knew someone who had MS. I found out through someone else. I kept my mouth shut. I only mentioned it when a medical emergency arose that may have been related - and then in only in confidence. I eventually told her that I knew, but her self-respect was something that I kept in mind throughout.
Don't publicize until you have had the chance to speak with the person, or in the case of a health crisis. When you have spoken honestly with the person, then offer. If they are paralyzed, it will be impossible to hide it forever, and at that point you can speak with the person and offer your help.
Thank you @ajdohmen, that's excellent advice. I have been trying very hard to refrain from taking action, knowing that it would cause offense and humiliation, and that eventually the situation would become more widely known anyway.
But it has been hard on me to exercise restraint in this scenario, though not usually something that is difficult, and so receiving counsel reaffirming my initial judgement renews my commitment to it as the best course of action.
Hopefully this person breaks their silence soon, the earlier that support, be it physiological, neurological, or social, can be brought to bear, the better the outcome.
I've friends and family that have worked with MS foundations, in direct care provision. It's a tough one, all degenerative conditions are. Maintaining the highest level of independent living and social/life participation are critically important to the affected individual, and efforts to those outcomes are usually highly appreciated them.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I assume this person is conscious and able to communicate -- which is how you know s/he is so set against having the condition revealed. You also say that s/he doesn't know that you know the serious consequences this person faces. That makes this extra tricky.
Were I in your position I would have to reveal my knowledge to the injured (ill?) person, which I understand is risky and you'll have to deal with the reaction. But assuming I could then talk reasonably and at length with this person, I would make sure s/he absolutely understood the gravity of the situation. No sugar-coating it. No sparing their feelings. This is too serious to hold back.
I would do my very best to persuade him / her to let me act in their best interests ... emphasizing how serious and permanent the choice will be. It would also be a no-holds-barred conversation.
I would talk about the impact their choice will have on family and loved ones. If appropriate I would tell this person sincerely, "I love you. I want the best for you. I do not want this to happen." Insofar as possible I would give them the opportunity to change their mind at a later time. (I realize this may not be possible. You would have to make the person very aware of this!)
If ultimately I couldn't get permission to "go public" with the matter, much as I would grieve over this choice, I would have to respect that.
Even in their best interests I don't think I have the right to over-ride their wishes. But again, I would do my level best to obtain their consent to let me help. Otherwise, I believe my hands are tied without it.
I don't envy you this terrible choice. My thoughts and heartfelt prayers go with you.
@enchantedspirit - you've given considerable thought to your reply, and that I appreciate very much. I apologise if it has seemed that I've ignored your reply, but in fact I've committed considerable time contemplating the possible benefits and ramifications of this approach, in fact I've spent the last several days debating my action based on it, and that has turned out for the very best, which reason you will read shortly;
Your approach is innately very closely aligned with my own: I cherish the openly transparent and self evident. However, I know this particular individual to be quite proud and highly reactive, as such a frontal approach, no mater how well intentioned, would result in the opposite outcome to that which is desired (least harm, maximum benefit).
As you can imagine, this has presented a very complicated and nuanced scenario;
This is precisely why I reached out to members of the steemit community - those with no vested interest, those who may respond without concern of offending me, the completely raw and impartial point o view.
And I'm glad I did.
The replies I received not only reinforced my ethics, they gave me the pause for consideration necessary to delay intervention until... well;
As it turns out, I received info just a few hours ago that this individual has now regained a modicum of independent mobility, enough that they are able to dress themselves (albeit with some labor) and have been provided with an electrically powered mobility aid. As anyone with experience in Independent Living can attest, independent locomotion and execution of will play a massive role in self determination. These in turn play a cyclical psycho-somatic role in in decision making.
To which end: I believe this individual will soon reach out to others, at the least verbally, to express their current condition, at which point others are able to step in a-la "the grape vine", and as such shall I.
I'm very grateful for your considered response, thank you for thinking so sincerely of someone you don't know, have never met, but caring about the fate of who you may never encounter.
It speaks volumes of your character.
I AM SO GLAD to read that this situation seems to be improving, as least insofar as it can for now. I appreciate that dealing with proud and volatile personalities can be its own "tough situation." (I grew up with people like that!!!) I also know about delays in responding because of real life concerns. However much it would be convenient sometimes, we can't be in 8 places at once. (If we could be, I would be.)
I appreciate, too, how much this matter has affected you. I can truthfully say I have thought about you and this issue several times a day since I read it. I hope life continues to move in a better, more empowering direction for your friend. Sometimes, too, accepting the reality of the situation -- especially such a life-changing one ... takes time. Your friend is also dealing with a lot of stress and struggle, psychological as well as physical.
Both of you remain in my thoughts. Thank you so much for letting me know. Prayers may not help, but neither can they hurt ... and you have mine.
I hope you never have to write another post like this, but I must say, it was one of the most engaging experiences I've had on Steemit. Maybe one of the most thought-provoking ever -- because, as you said at the start, this was not hypothetical.
Sending <3 your way tonight. Use it wherever it's needed!
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” ~ Mary Oliver
- Mary Oliver
I have little repose or response for such candid and heartfelt disclosure, other than the words of Friedrich Nietzsche:
Thank you for such honesty, it meant a lot, and gave pause for thought, an act there is oft less time for with every passing day in these times, and more's the pity;
Asking the question here another the wonderfully supportive and encouraging community of Steemit helped extend the time- and helped you focus on other things beside the dilemma.
This is very good news. Thank you for updating us :)
@neuromancer, while I am a competent writer, in some ways my wife is streets ahead of me. Since I can't improve on or add to what she has said, @enchantedspirit speaks for me.
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What I would do is even if I don't name them...I will still try to do my best to bring their story to the world and hope that there are people who can help them. Please if there is anything I can help with let me know bud.
That's a very kind offer, thanks. I already have the means of their assistance, but using it would disclose their position and that is against their wishes.
My choices seem to be either:
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STOPWell... Tough. I would try and convince this person. Perhaps they were talking with emotion and now that it's a bit later they can think with reason...
If that still holds true that they do not wish to be revealed, perhaps you can offer to purchase voice to text software such as Dragon and teach them about the Steemit community. Then they can share as much as they feel comfortable with.
Either way, sensitivity is a must.
I wish you both well. I know this is not easy for any involved.
Straight shooter - I like that. Everyone I've known in radio has been similar: here's the facts, don't be an ass, but - deal with it.
Pragmatic, practical, but considerate. Wouldn't be in communications/media if you didn't want to share, right? Wouldn't want to share if you didn't believe in serving the greater good, or else you'd be in commercial radio with all the other pay-per-comment mercenaries, right?
Thanks for taking the time to lend your thoughts to this sensitive conundrum. If you want to read an update then check my reply to @enchantedspirit.
Thanks Mz Kitty.
You are very welcome. I'm off to find the update now...
if you have been asked not to say anything you have an obligation not to.
However, if you were to ask the person if you could round up resources without naming the recipient and the person is open to that.. you're good to go.
Absolutely, agree 100%.
But, I haven't been asked to be silent, this person doesn't know that I know. However, I have the contacts for the resources, but acting reveals the fact that I know, against their position.
There's been a big development in this situation, you can read it in my reply to @enchantedspirit on the original page.
Thanks for you reply, all such were considered carefully.
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