Wasp Man

in life •  15 days ago

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Daddy, Daddy, there are loads of wasps in my playhouse!!

The little lady came running into the kitchen in a bit of a tizz.

Wasps? Just ignore them, lass. If you ignore them they will ignore you.

I smiled to reassure her despite an icicle of sheer animalistic terror forming in my belly. No they won't, my brain whispered. They will eat you and dance on your remains with their nasty little pointy waspy faces.

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I think there is a nest?

She said, pointing at what looked to be a wasp fortress in the distance where her playhouse used to be.

Looks like she might be right.

Said the good lady peering out the window.

I know you get a bit freaked out by wasps, will we call a man out?

What was that? Did the good lady just impugn my mannity? Didn't she know, I am the man that is called out when times are hard. I am the man who is called upon to slay dragons or wasps in their fetid lair.

Had she forgotten she was standing in front of a shimmering beacon of manhood?

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I straightened up and looked at her with my best warrior face. Which can sometimes be confused with my farting face.

Phone a man? To deal with some silly little wasps. Pffrrrfffffrrrrrrt

I scoffed loudly and slapped my thigh.

They are as good as dead.

I marched out, head held high, into the afternoon sun.

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I stood at a slight distance from the playhouse. A steady stream of wasps entered and left a big set of wooden wind chimes that were attached to the front.

Oh bollocks.

I murmured. I really didn't like wasps. No idea why but I tended to leap around and yelp like a young girl when one came near me. However, a man has to defend his family from monsters and I intended to do just that.

Time to die mother fuckers.

I whispered grimly.

I grabbed my long stick and raised it up to the hook that the wind chimes were hanging off.

Piece of piss.

I snickered.

Despite being quite hungover I had called upon the astonishing brainpower harnessed in my skull to come up with a cunning plan for destroying the wasps. It only took moments for that plan to crystalise.

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I didn't have any chemical'y wasp killer nonsense. I was a man. I was going to go toe to toe with the stripey weevilly bastards.

The plan? I was going to get the windchimes and submerge them in a bucket full of hot water. That way the wasps would both boil and drown. Hopefully.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Sometimes hangovers are great for thinking.

The windchimes successfully came free from the hook and dangled precariously from the end of my long stick. The stream of wasps going in and out continued unabated.

They didn't seem bothered.

The bucket was nearby, steam drifting lazily from it.

Delicately I moved the windchimes on a stick over the bucket then...

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They were in! I used the stick to keep the big wooden middle bit they had been using as a nest under the water.

I was a hero!

I noticed something going on in the bucket. I had a closer look.

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A torrent of wasps was pouring forth from the underwater nest and crawling up on top of the bits that were not totally submerged, others floated about looking up aggressively.

I screamed in fear and started thrashing at the bucket like a madman. The first of the surviving mad beasts attempted to fly. My scream became so high pitched it could boil metal.


Sometime later, I strutted back into the kitchen. The good lady looked up.

Oh hey, did you get it ok? You didn't get stung, did you?

I barked a weird laugh out.

Stung? Me? Ha, no. I showed them a thing or two and no mistake.

I leaned casually against the worktop and got myself some water.

The good lady smiled.

You are amazing Daddy, I heard them scream all the way from here. Wow, I didn't realise wasps screamed like that when they were dying?

I looked at her, smiling sweetly at me.

Aye well, they do. They scream like billy-o.

I gave her the leave it stink-eye and went to the fridge for a calming beer.

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Ah, the cold, calming beer. Great for a compress on the red welts all over your body. My first thought after the lighthouse was, "uh oh". (I seem to stumble across a great deal of these moments, when I read an Bmeister post...) I think you got away lucky. They can swim, and once you mess with the house, yikes. Though I've never heard them scream like a weenie banshee, so you must have different wasps than here in the states.
(I've had the ground-nesting bastards chase me across whole mountains, through brush you couldn't drive a tank through... hate them, so don't take me too seriously. No one else does....)

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Hahah, yeah, the screaming was solely me, lol!

I was surprised that they could swim. It was a moment of sheer terror as they came boiling out of the submerged nest! I ran and got a plastic bag and held it down over the surface of the water so everything stayed under and held and held and prayed for some kind of intervention.

It worked thought and I was amazingly welt free!

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I DO wish I could get a copy of the videos of your daily existence. Set boredom would seldom enter the realm of my world. I suppose I shall just have to settle for reading all about it. (MY mental movies are priceless enough...)

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Is the mental movies that matter! I think my existence is rather dull with flashes of amusement!

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Kind of a domestically boring version of Das Boot...days of random boredom, with sudden flashes of sheer excitement. But then, what would we write about if not for those wonderful flashes? "I went to work, I worked, I came home from work, the children cried, I went to bed. I started over the next morning. The End".
Though I supposed we should be glad it is only flying insects, scoping mother's at parties, robots and spammers, odd-duck bosses and introduced yard weeds, and not hull-imploding depth charges from above.

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A coded message to @ddschteinn:

Your new baubles have arrived. I repeat: your new baubles have arrived.

May or may not be on topic; it's coded, after all.

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Auble-be's inbox-ay, riived-today*, or whatever proper Church-Going-Piglet Secretive Pig Latin Code might be for "Thanks, I just checked they look good, thanks for figuring it out. Been busy fixing lawn equipment and water pumps, so have not been on Steemit much. But will be soon."

Followed by: Oom-Bay Eester-May, orry-say og-bley aken-tay space-ee-aay"* Which translated in Church Of The Pig Latin Codespeak once again: "Sorry, Meesterboom, for taking up your valuable blog-site spaces with secretive code about very important projects between myself and a very important SteemPig and his staff-wielding minion."

*( I have to spell them out or they don't make sense, at least to me, and I'm WRITING them)

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I love these codes. B
Its like the cold war!!

Thea duckato Flanagan oower the laik

Wasps are ugly, especially if you are alergic.
This looked to me like battle for the fortress of Alamo...
Ooh, man I would not dare thinking of battling not actually fighting...🙄🙄🙄

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They are horrifyingly evil. I was petrified!!

Still am a little, lol!

XD I'm rolling oh my goodness. Reminds me of that time I stepped in a ground nest and my father bravely jumped in for a daring rescue. I had no idea that I'd stepped in it or that there was a nest of wasps slowly swarming around my little legs, he and my older sister were acting strange and staring at my feet trying to figure out how to get me to safety without disturbing the now agitated but still passive wasps. So naturally I looked down, screamed like a banshee and lost my mind.

Dad jumped in and threw me into the water (we were fishing), now the wasps were pissed. Sister came in to grab me and bring me back to the car, she got stung a good few times, and Dad... Well in order to save me he had to take my place. I remember his funny dance clearly, I also remember very clearly my mother (they'd been divorced for years and both remarried) dropping his pants when he brought us home to put her special sting paste one the incredible amount of red bumps all over his legs and ass. I was only stung once.

Evil, evil creatures. What would little girls do without Super-Dad's to protect them from such monsters? Excellent job, Super-Dad. ;)

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Hehe, that's exactly it. I normally run a mile but couldn't have them messing with my girl!

Wasps are really dangerous and very very bad! Every time I met one of them, I was stung, argh! Everyone who try to fight them is an hero for me! ;)

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I was unscathed! However I might have PTSD lol!

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LOL. I guess the wasps have a thing for you... Maybe its cus you a queen. ;)

even though an icicle of pure animal terror was forming in my belly. No, they won't, my brain whispered. They will eat you and dance on your remains with their unpleasant, pointy faces.

hahahaha I think my decision to stop watching the World Cup game to see my feed of steemit was right, your bravery let me out more than one smile, the man of the house always taking care of his family and I love that the hangover helps to maintain the ideas! in short was great your adventure, now you are the hero

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At least the hangovers are good for something lol!

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At least this Sunday there was no need for the ladder.

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Hehe, thankfully!

What is with you and wasps!? It's like you're a magnet to them! If moths are drawn to a flame, then wasps are drawn to BOOM. I feel like this is how the world ends, with you taking a last stand against a swarm... nay, a legion of wasps sweeping the globe.

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I can almost see that climactic end scene in my head!

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I can't! I would be dead by way of sharknado by then!

Oh, I hate wasps! They are awful! I have a can of wasp bomb just for such occasions. Glad you didn't get stung in the process of doing away with them!

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I was wishing I had had a can of something. It was foul. I was wearing my best battle armour too... Shorts and a t-shirt! Lol

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Perhaps you need to get a can of bee (wasp) blast to have on hand. They love hot weather...

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It's first on my list next time I am at the shops!

Did it go a bit like this?...lol

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Except I made it without a single sting!

But it was cool that you faced your fears and protected your little girl.. A REAL HERO ;)

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One must do what one can!

Wow! What a brave a man you are, meesterboom, protecting your family from the evil wasps. I laughed when the little lady said the bees were screaming when actually you are the one. Anyways, the job had been done and your family was saved. Upvoted!

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Oh yes, the screams were terrifying!

Reminds me of that one time I was fighting a tactical war against a hornet that invaded my home.

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You gotta fight fo6r with fire!... Or water lol

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It was more of an cold war, really. We were staring us down but neither of us used nukes. I managed to make him leave eventually though.

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Nobody died, so I guess we were both winners. On the other hand, I was able to stay and the hornet left, so I take that as my victory.

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Yup. I'll take that as a win

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Glad we can agree on that.

On the other hand, I am usually friendly towards Spiders. They can hang around for the while. If they would pay rent, they would be the perfect roommates. Calm, cool, collected, keep the actually annoying animals out and spider silk is quite the remarkable and useful substance.

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Compare that to a bee. They are the worst roommates, let me tell you. No chill, always busy doing work. And they ALWAYS bring their friends! Yeah, sure, we would probably die if there would be no bees but still, let them be bees somewhere else!

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See you in your dreams, human. Our brethren shall be avenged!

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I shall see you at the bottom of a bucket of water!!!

Your story is very nice and very wonderful I love it very much 👍@meesterboom
Thank you

All these fuzz over killing some wasps..... You guys have it easy :p

I read your article @Wasp man
It's look like good story.

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Thank you

Well done Daddy Boom.

You're the hero of the House, you faced those fierce beasts and you came out unscathed! Scream? That's for the weak men hahaha XD

Beer always makes it better, and if it doesn't, you haven't drank enough yet!

Hehe, very true! It worked!