I returned to work after a splendidly debauched weekend. These are few and far between since parenthood doinked me on the head with its golden penis.

As is my way when returning after the weekend I hunkered down beneath my screen and hid as best as I could. This worked for several hours. I even started to believe I could get through the day without any significant human interaction. As ever though, the cruel and fickle hand of fate decided to intervene.

Hey boomdawg. Have you got five minutes for a chat?

Asked a tall and spindly colleague I knew fairly well. He reminded me of a two legged giraffe.

I cleared my throat with a loud haaargh.

Errm, well I was actually...

I will buy you a coffee?

He smiled the knowing, furtive smile of a man who has all too often inserted his penis into a guinea pig.

What could I do? He had pulled out my kryptonite and I was powerless to resist.

Excellent, aye.

We toddled off downstairs to the coffee shop mere moments away.

There you go chief!

Exclaimed Giraffio as he plumped down a couple of flat whites.

Cheers matey chops. So what can I do for you then?

Giraffio looked all jaw'y for a moment then leaned forward.

Did you see there is a senior analyst position advertised? I was thinking of going for it.

He leaned back to assess the impact this statement had upon me.

Much as I do when the good lady asks me if I can see any grey in her hair I betrayed no emotion and gently sipped at my coffee.

Excellent mate. Good luck with your application.

I murmured, carefully, as if tugging a diamond ring out from under a sleeping lions testicle.

I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how best to get the job?

Ah, bugger. There it was. I knew this bit was coming. The thing is, much as I liked Giraffio, I also knew him. He was a sleeper. One of those folk who just didn't put any effort into anything. Yet, despite the lack of effort, assumed that he was entitled to greatness.

It's like when a newbie in Steemit taps you up in chat and asks your advice on how to improve their standing in the Steemit community. They don't really want to hear about commenting, voting and interacting. What they want to know is how to skip all that hard work nonsense and go straight to trending, riches and fame.

Bugger indeed.

Of course mate. Just bone up on job spec and what it is that they are looking for and try to research anything you are not familiar with. In the interview itself, answer everything as honestly as you can and don't waffle too much. There you go!

I beamed at him with my best even giraffes can dream smile.

He mentally shuffled his feet.

Yeah, yeah. I will do that, yep, definitely. The thing is though I have been here for a few years now, you know, I feel it's time I moved up a bit.

Indeed, indeed. Well, just think of anything you have done that is above and beyond your current role and be sure to throw that at them in the interview.

Erm, like what? I have been here for years, surely that counts?

I willed my eyes not to roll out of my head. After all, the fellow had bought me a coffee.

They might be looking for a bit more. You are applying for the senior role of the job you are currently in, yes? So have you done anything... Seniory?

No really mate, I have been here for fuckin years but.

I winced slightly, simply because it was rather plain that Giraffio believed that he deserved this promotion not because in any way he was capable of doing the job but because he had been there for fuckin years.

Top notch. Well good luck mate, you will knock them dead. I am sure of it.

He took a deep breath then shot a covert glance around us. The coast was obviously clear of Ninja assassins as he leaned in a little closer.

I was wondering if there were any documents you could send on that might be of use?

There was a pause so pregnant I mentally started boiling water and collecting blankets.

Now it was my turn to look covert, I did it with much more panache and vim than he had. I leaned in.

Naw, ya fanny.
_{which of course, is Glaswegian for No, you silly vagina}

He looked a bit glum. As though he thought I would have patted him on the shoulder and told him it was sorted and a done deal.

I took a breath and blew out my lips in a wobbly farting fashion.

Anyway. That's some wild snow out there eh!