The Bus

I let out an involuntary sqwuee noise as I stared up at the sign in the train station.

No, no, no, no, no oo!

This couldn't be, no trains? This was a disaster and could only mean one thing. I was going to have to get the bus.

With the common herd.

Oh well, how bad could it be? I girded my loins as best as I could and traipsed to the bus stop with the rest of the would-have-been-train-travellers.

It wasn't long before one came. A typical Glasgow bus, filthy, noisy and full of menace.

I got on, the driver glared at me as if I was dipping my balls in his jar of pickled onions.

Wher ye gaun?

The toon.

I reluctantly sighed in native gutter-speak.

£4.70

He spat.

Bloody hell, £4.70!?!

Grudgingly I swiped my bank card over the reader and paid for my ticket like a common thief.

I then moved into the packed crowd of travellers as best as I could.

As the trains were cancelled the bus was packed tight. I found myself in what was almost an intimate clinch with some bearded man in his fifties. I didn't like the gleam in his eye as we were squeezed together.

A further few minutes in, something thunked hard on my shoulder. I twisted my head around in the press of bodies as hard as I could to see what had hit me.

It was a dude, he seemed to have fallen asleep standing up and his head had rolled onto my shoulder. I jerked my shoulder up, hard.

He woke up and looked around confused.

He lasted about thirty seconds before lowering his head gently this time onto my shoulder again.

I looked about for some kind of help but everyone was going through their own squeezy neighbour ordeal.

I jerked my shoulder again, twice in succession.

Sleepy man snapped wide awake and looked about again like a newborn yanked out of a vagina.

Gonnae fucking stay awake?

I growled, once more in the pleasant Scots tongue.

He looked embarrassed, I hoped he didn't have a stiffy and was faking the sleepiness. Whatever it was he managed to stay awake after that.

Eventually, the ordeal was almost over and we were a few stops away from my own in the centre of Glasgow. The bus had started to empty and I could expand my lungs to full capacity once again.

We stopped at some traffic lights. A blonde attractive woman pushed past me and tapped on the driver's window.

Excuse me, Driver, is it possible to get off here?

I snorted, bus drivers are not allowed to let people off except at official bus stops in Scotland and Glasgow bus drivers are a particularly sour bunch, poor lass, she had no chance.

Ah really shouldn't hen but for you...

The driver winked and made a clucking sound with his cheek. He opened the doors. The lady fluttered her eyes and uttered a breathy thank you as she got walked off.

Wow, I thought. That's impressive. We must have an ok bus driver.

Two stops later we were approaching where I had to get off. I walked to the front of the bus which stopped at some traffic lights that were quite close to the coffee shop I liked to pop into in the morning.

Excuse me mate, any chance of letting me off here?

I asked hopefully, painfully aware that I was not a pretty lady.

The driver stared straight ahead.

Not allowed.

He stated flatly.

You let that woman off when she asked a minute ago.

Naw, I never.

You fucking did?!

I exclaimed.

Naw. I fucking never, right.

I drew up to my full handsome height.

You are a fucking lying bastard.

The driver lurched at the perspex screen between us. Slamming at it with an open hand.

Whit? Who do you think you are talkin tae?! Get aff ma fucking bus!!

He opened the doors with a violent swish and I cheerily hopped off outside my coffee shop.

Well, that kinda worked. Onwards and upwards!!!