Jabba

I sat in the meeting room. It was the usual cross-site meeting nonsense. We were all gathered round a big table before which was a gigantic screen. Atop of which was the video conferencing camera.

I was a little early for the meeting to start and I sat there trying my best to look enthusiastic and team player'y as the rest of the folk filed in.

A man with exceedingly large sideburns came in and sat next to me nodding at me in a chummy way.

I smiled at him insincerely like he was a charity collector on a high street that I was swerving to avoid.

He was not to be put off however.

Phew, don't think we've met? I'm Silvanus, Project Management.

He stuck his hand out enthusiastically as if to fondle my pork truncheon. I disappointed him by presenting my hand instead and giving his a firm shake.

Boomdawg. Pleased to meet you.

He grinned, as if we had just married and he was laying me on a bed of rose petals. In return, I grimaced as I attempted not to frown at his peculiar name.

There were few rules that I adhered to in life. One of them was never to trust someone with the word anus in their name. This rule had served me well so far.

Hate these bloody things eh. Video conferences, I always hate seeing myself on the camera.

He nudged me conspiratorially.

They say the camera adds ten pounds eh. You'll know what I'm talking about.

I raised an eyebrow. I will know what he is talking about? Will I bloody fuck? I am a slender antelope of a man. Honed and chiselled through countless hours in the gym.

I opened my mouth to deliver a devastating retort when El Jefe breezed in.

Right, we all set? Who's got the remote for the video conference thingamajig?

Some faceless drone excitedly waved it aloft and pressed a button.

The screen came alive. We were displayed in full HD sitting around the table. There were about eight of us. Silvanus nudged me again.

Blimey. Look at the state of us!

Once again I readied myself to deliver a withering retort when I flicked my gaze to the screen.

Wait a minute, who was that? On the screen I could quite clearly see El Jefe, a clutch of fawning sycophants, this chap Silvanus and next to him... Was that Jabba the Hutt?

It looked like Jabba the Hutt, right down to the wobbling chins.

I didn't understand. Wasn't that my seat? What trickery was this? I leaned in toward Silvanus.

This Bounty Hunter is my kind of scum... hur hur hur...

Silvanus nodded and giggled slightly at my words.

Hang on? Was I Jabba? Was that me on the screen? But I have been cutting back on the junk and going to the gym? Hadn't I?

I leaned down to assess my fine physique. Something under my neck bunched up.

That was odd, I definitely wasn't wearing a scarf? What could that be? Oh no, was it my actual chin?

The folk on the other end of the line joined the video conference and for the next half hour I fretted whilst listening to people talking about attack trees and lean frameworks.

After the meeting I trotted off to the toilet at quite a pace. Once there I looked at myself in the mirror.

And there it was. Before me Jabba the Hutt wobbled with his many chinned majesty.

Was I hallucinating? I tried to reassure myself out loud.

Ka eej bookha Skywalker.

Chortled my reflection. All that was missing was Princess Leia in a bikini.

It was with a sinking feeling that I cast my mind back over the last few weeks since the discovery of my Bingo Wings.

We had been snowed in for almost a week. A natural response to which was to eat lots of chocolate.

I and the family had been ill for over a week. A natural response to which was to eat lots of chocolate.

In the mirror, Jabba chuckled and shook his chins at me.

Oh bugger. Time to get back on the wagon.