Abused & Rising Above: When you're ready…

If I asked how many people reading this have experienced abuse during their life time, I'm sad to say I believe most all would say they have. Some people are comforted by the fact that others have gone through the same or similar experiences, and it makes them feel not so alone. I am not one of those people. I have never felt a need to commiserate with others that have had bad experiences. If I'm going to re-live scar tissue issues from my past then I want it to be worth while. I want it to be beneficial, and I need it to help me heal to move on.    

So far, I have just done a really great job of trying to ignore and repress awful things I have seen and been a part of. If need be, I can talk about them factually. However, feeling them to process and resolve is very different. I only briefly tried to heal by doing this through speaking to someone, but I encountered two main issues with this plan; 1.) talking to a paid professional made me feel awful because I would think, "How can I have no one in my life who cares enough to talk with me about these things and instead I have to pay someone to do it?" 2.) Being the fact that I didn't have anyone in my life to speak to about the many things that had happened to me. If I ever got even a little close to someone and started diving into the world of woes, it was like after one or two recaps people would look at me like I must be the most damaged person alive from experiencing some of those things. Don't get me wrong, I'm loaded with dysfunction just like everyone else, but the majority of my issues are internalized into self loathing. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not an addict of any kind. My worst possible outward trait is I used to comfort eat when things were really so bad I just couldn't hold onto it anymore. Many of those food issues were caused by other things as well so I can't really blame it all one set of circumstance.   

I have often thought about writing as a form of therapy, but there were many things that held me back. 1.) My immediate family (Mother, Father, Brother, my eldest daughter) and my husbands ex-wife, have gone out of their way to make every moment of my life as horrible as possible since I separated from them, and I run the risk of them trying to use anything I say against me since they have threatened more than once to take away my kids, which they managed to get one of them successfully, since they know my kids are the only thing I still care about. 2.) I do NOT want people to treat me like a victim. When you are treated like a victim it is way too easy to subscribe to that philosophy and then you don't heal - you are just stuck in another dysfunction. 3.) I am embarrassed about things that have happened to me. I have come to the realization in life that you can't actually blame anyone else for anything that you have experienced. All our experiences are our own and we have to take responsibility for them or we fall right back into the victim mentality. So I am embarrassed that I allowed them to take place. I am not a defeatist though and I think that statement about what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, is true but should be revised to say, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger, if you heal the wounds it caused in the first place."    

So here I am, needing to heal wounds. I feel like I am now in a place that I can't continue to heal unless I do write about all of it. Hopefully, someone else will get something out of it as well, maybe be inspired to change and take responsibility for their life sooner rather than later. Maybe it will just be entertainment for people, like when you drive by a really gruesome accident but can't look away. Maybe it will be used against me in some really messed up way. I don't really know, but what I do know is if I have come as far as I can with what I have already tried, then it is time to try something else.    A few things I want people to know before reading these posts that are coming - these are just a few chapters of my life. They do not define me, but they do affect me. I have had a few really wonderful things happen to me as well, but this writing is specifically to clear trauma and that is what I will be talking about.    

Why did I decide to start this today? Well I am living in close proximity to one of my abusers, and I am finding that especially challenging while trying to heal my scars. I don't want it to effect me anymore, and I think getting it out will help that. I'm really hoping that will alleviate my wanting him to die each day, so then I can change my vibration in life :-)   

At the begging of this writing I was crying because I was feeling overwhelmed by the stress of yet another disappointing interaction. Now I am not crying and back to my 'matter of fact' type attitude regarding what is happening. I often feel cold in my interactions with people, which is almost the exact opposite of how I feel inside. I see people sad and I want to throw my arms around them and cry with them so they don't feel alone, but I don't I just apologize or try to listen to them. When I see someone happy I want to run over and grab their hands and jump for joy with them to celebrate, but I don't I just smile and say how wonderful "it" is. I very infrequently express how I feel, either thought words or actions. Even when I do cry or show emotion it is usually mistaken for being something that it is not. This is decades of repression at work that I will overcome as I heal my scars. I feel at first my writing might reflect this coldness as well, but I am going to do my best to be as much of my authentic self as I can dig out for each post I make. I may actually have to list my feelings at the start of each post until I can properly convey them via my actual writing.    

My name is Kimberleigh, and this is my process toward rising above.