My First Time. (A True Story)
Even though I have done it hundreds of times since, I remember my first time like it was yesterday. Such a memorable experience, it has been etched eternally into my memory as though it were in stone.
Many people just wanted to get their first time over and done with, wasting the experience on the first babe that they had the opportunity, to do it with. Many others were just to young to realize that they could have waited or didn’t see it as an experience worth waiting for. The saddest of all were those who were persuaded or even forced into it by someone they trusted. Not me though, I always wanted my first time to be with that special person. One that I would have a lifelong relationship with.
When I was in my twenties, once people found out that I had never actually done it, they were always trying to get me to. I found it shocking how many people offered up their own babe, on the condition that they could watch. I suppose some people get off on watching the inevitable awkwardness that comes with ones first time. To me it just felt dirty.
Once I was in my Thirties, people would be flabbergasted that I had not partaken in the act. They would always ask me. “Why not just do it.” I would always respond. “I’m waiting for someone special, you only have your first time once, I’m not going to waste it on some random babe.” They would just roll their eyes.
Well, after many years of waiting the big night was upon me. I had finally met the person of my dreams. Adorable, beautiful, cute, and perfect in every way. They far surpassed my wildest dreams. I had barely slept in anticipation.
My heart was beating, my hands were sweating. I paused for a second to think. Will this change my feelings for them? What if I do something wrong? I don’t want to hurt them. I pushed the negative thoughts aside. Knowing I was going to be their first comforted me a bit, it wasn’t the end of the world if I was the best. I’ll get better at it, as we will have a long to for me to prefect the process.
After removing their garments, I looked down at the pure innocence that was before me. The emotions, were out of this world. But I knew that the time was finally upon me and I could no longer hold out. I gave a pull to the left. Followed by a pull to the right. With one last deep breath I slowly pulled down the white material that was hiding what I had waited all these decades too experience. Needless to say I was not at all ready for what I was to find.
This black tar looked like it should have come from some alien dog. Not my first born son. I looked at the disgusting, unworldly, and repulsive tar. Then I looked at my perfect, innocent, and tiny son. What the fudge? How could such a perfect angel, create such an abomination I thought.
Looking over to the nurse. “Uh… Is this normal? Why is it black?”
“Oh, that’s just meconium, It’s totally natural” She smiled.
I faked a smile and began the endeavor of removing the sticky tar from my son’s rear. After all, I wasn’t entirely sure that nurse knew what she was talking about. So just in the event it actually was alien dog doo, I wanted to remove it completely, just to be sure.
Several nerve racking minuets later, I had completely removed all the traces of the “poo of darkness,” and proceeded to secure the nappy(diaper) into place... Finally, I had just changed my first diaper, and I had waited until it was with someone I would have a life long relationship with. It was well worth the wait, to be able to check that off my bucket list.
If you are lucky enough to have not experienced the toils of changing a nappy, I would recommend you do the same. :) It’s well worth the wait.
You know, after re-reading this post I could see how, just possibly people could get the wrong idea... Sorry about that. :^)
PS Remember Don't hate me Imjustsaying
This is my Submission for comedy open mic round 3.
I'm new to this, and I understand if this post will not qualify for a prize, as this post was edited to include the tag. I would like to wish @nobyeni and @diebitch the best of luck on their submissions. I'm a fan of voluntarism so I hope to find two willing participants to nominate for my next post.