What in Your Life Causes the Most Shame?
Shame is not an easy thing to discuss, as it often gets the heart of our deepest fears, regrets, and embarrassments
Shame is caused when we act in a way that creates painful humiliation and is usually something that contradicts our morals or values.
It differs from mere embarrassment, in that a sense of guilt and deep regret also accompanies shame and encompasses our whole self. Tripping and falling on your face might be embarrassing, but you're unlikely to feel shame later in life about the event.
Do something that is in direct contrast to your view of the world, and you will be likely to stare at the wall of shame that your mind will conveniently guide you towards from time to time.
Compromise your morals, and you will grapple with shame
I want to share a story with you, one that I am often hesitant to discuss. It is a story of when I lost my way in my adult life, and my energy was spent servicing something that I vehemently opposed and even despised.
It is the thing I am most ashamed of doing in my life, one that until very recently still sunk its fangs of shame deep into my being.
I am talking about the time I worked as a customer account representative for Rent-A-Center.
Live in cognitive dissonance, and you will face a visit from the shame fairy
In the winter of 2010, I graduated from Central Michigan University with a degree in Social Work. I was drawn to the field because I saw the injustice present in our social, economic, and political systems, and didn't want to pursue money for money's sake.
The following year I began to become more politically active on campus. Videos from @wearechange, the love police, and others inspired me to take to the streets with a megaphone and 'wake up' the masses from their consumeristic slumber.
In November of 2011, I left for an internship with Earthship Biotecture, where I learned about sustainable and off-grid construction methods. I was fully intent on building my own sustainable home at some point, though relationship priorities brought me back to Mt. Pleasant.
And that's when I became a hypocrite, something that has haunted me since
When I arrived back to Michigan, I was broke and needed a job badly if I was to get back on my feet. Mt. Pleasant doesn't have the greatest job market, so when Rent-A-Center called and offered a position with 8 hours of overtime every week, I jumped at the chance. It would allow me to save enough money for me to buy a used Subaru and accrue enough savings to travel the country.
It was also a surefire way to contradict everything I had grown to stand for. Rent-A-Center is, quite frankly, an evil company that takes advantage of lower-income individuals by renting to own electronics, furniture, and appliances. While you are able to get the product immediately without credit, you end up paying almost three times as much as normal retail in many cases.I detailed this more extensively in another post.
The rent-to-own industry relies greatly on welfare checks from the government, and it was sickening to see people waste money for pointless consumeristic ends.
I mean, I went to college to learn about how to help the poor, not sell them an overpriced product they didn't need! A part of my soul died the moment a mother paid for her television with a child support card.
I very likely could write a book about the kinds of things I witnessed at that job, and perhaps I will one day to make the experience a valuable lesson for those who are unfamiliar with this industry.
But in the years since that moment, a part of me has felt a deep level of shame and regret for taking that job. My words became more hollow than a Ft. Knox vault. How could I ever preach about the ills of capitalism ever again if I was willing to work in the belly of the beast?
Forgiving and letting go
I quit that job over 4 years ago, but until the last month, I hadn't truly forgiven myself for trading my morals and values for a few measly fiat notes. It was only through my neuro-feedback treatment that I uncovered how my shame had been holding me hostage.
Facing this shame head-on is the way I have decided to process through it, and sharing this experience through this blog is a part of it. By owning my actions, my response, and my feelings, the shame and guilt associated with this experience will fade.
I cannot change the past. I can, however, change how I view and relate to the past. I can decide to view that experience as a lesson, one that made me stronger and ultimately made me face the uncomfortable parts of myself. It taught me that I am an imperfect human and one that needs to continue to strive to live in line with my values.
Ultimately, it taught me that shame, no matter how much we think we deserve it, is one of the most self-destructive emotions we can feed. Face it, process it, then leave it behind. Don't sacrifice the opportunity to make a better choice today because you made a poor choice in the past.
All uncredited pictures from the pixabay.com
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