HOW TO SURVIVE A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER AND KEEP YOUR SANITY
Do you feel trapped when dealing with a Narcissist Mother? Is it like your mind is blocked and you don’t know what to do? Then, this article is definitely for you.
Let’s go right into the matter. I would like to hand over some practical tips you can practice to save you personal integrity, along with your mental sanity and emotional wellbeing.
The first thing you have to remember is that you are not a victim of the circumstances. You have power and free will do set in motion the next stage of events.
The second thing you have to remember is that you have options. You have three options to choose from at any time to save your integrity and peace of mind. You are free to pick any of the three options that you see fit. Let’s see what those options are.
From Victim To Empowered
Having to suffer and endure a Narcissistic Mother leads many people to a victimization role. To successfully exit this condition you have three options at your disposal:
- Modify the situation
- Leave the situation
- Accept the situation
Let’s see each one of the three options and its consequences.
1 - Modify The Situation
This implies you have the power to change what is happening or at least negotiate in order to have your needs and wants met.
In general, most people don’t have the power to change the situation either due to previous behavior conditioning of the Narcissistic Mother or due to be living in her personal space, her house.
Even if you have the power and the will to try to change the situation through negotiations that will become superfluous and inefficient, not because of you but because of the Narcissistic Mother. Narcissists don’t respond well to negotiation. It is either their way of the highway. No middle ground. Additionally they don’t recognize your needs as valid. So, you see the picture.
2 - Leave The Situation
When the Narcissistic Mother starts to judge you, insult you or even threaten you, then it is time to leave the situation you are in.
At first, the Narcissistic Mother is used to you staying and listening to her rants in silence or to start to fight back. Either you listen in silence or you fight back, she wins. She wins because she got you in her web of attention sucking and control.
By listening in silence you are surrendering your self-esteem and drowning in the victim role, letting your personal and spiritual power being drained, slipping into an interior void of dread.
If you fight back the chances are that you will lose your temper, emotional balance and arrive nowhere. In discussions, the Narcissistic Mother ignores reason, consensus, or your needs. She will resort to any trick she knows to push your buttons and win her point.
So, maybe if you leave the situation, it is something new to her, which she does not want (she looses your attention) or doesn’t know how to deal with. By leaving the situation you are not taking her lack of respect for you, her projections and you are making a statement about yourself: you are starting to take care of yourself and not allowing others to treat you badly.
When you start to take care of yourself, personal respect starts to emerge. It is the first step towards self love, and the healing process of reconnecting with the most inner core of your being, a kind of spiritual healing.
At the same time, by leaving the situation you are sending another message to her: what you are saying is not that important to me, I am no longer paying you allegiance, I am free from your spell, I don’t take that crap anymore. You say this with no words, just by leaving.
You can and should leave but you don’t have to be rude to her. You can kiss her goodbye and say that you don’t want to have that kind of talk with her. You can even say that you are open to talk when she calms down and is open to be reasonable. Then, don’t justify yourself and just leave the situation.
As you repeat this every time she begins to insult or tries to abuse you, she begins to understand that some of her tricks no longer function and you are escaping her “spell” (which will make her quite uncomfortable and even angrier, as she feels she is losing).
3 - Accept The Situation
The sense of accepting here is not submission. Submission has to do with feeling powerless towards what is happening to us. On the other hand accepting the situation is an act of will, coming from you that empowers you in relation to the reality that you lived or are living at the present.
In every person I met, abused by a Narcissistic Mother, there is a little child waiting to be loved, whom secretly holds the secret belief that perhaps one day she will change, and most important of all, that she will truly start to love you.
Coming out of this “spell” is one of the hardest things to do, as it shatters that childhood dream of being loved. Just the idea sends shockwaves to the foundations of who we are. To be able to accept that we were not loved, and will not be loved by that person, the Narcissistic Mother, it is very painful and at the same time very freeing.
Going through this process of grief, of our first lost love, it hurts and it is very hard, but when you come out you notice that the psycho-spiritual bondage is no longer. You are beginning to accept your past (no more complaining or regretting). Accepting your past, as horrible as it was, gives you the power to love yourself and start to take responsibility for your present life.
By accepting that you were not loved begins to lessen the need to be clinging to every drop of love that is being thrown in your direction, and begin to differentiate between conditional and unconditional love. This might change, for the better, your perspective on how your love relationships are, or will be.
When you accept that you were not loved, you can start to aim for a healthy love relationship. You accept and know what doesn’t work, and aim for what does work.
Only by breaking that attachment, leaving it behind, you are able to be open your heart to new love relationships that feeds you, that respects you, cares for you, and makes you feel whole again.
So, in conclusion, to be able to accept the situation without falling into it, you need to have done your inner work (works best if you have a skilled psychotherapist to help you heal those early childhood wounds of not being loved).
The inner work will lead you to a point where you are immune to the Narcissistic Mother manipulation and “spells," and at the same time, you are able to maintain your emotional balance and compassion for the lost and unloved being that she is.
This means that this third option is not for everyone. Only attempt this option if you are ready, and not because is trendy in New Age circles to just forgive without addressing all the emotional baggage that you carry unconsciously underneath.
New Rules of Engagement
After you accept and came out of the “I was not loved” spell you are able now to set new rules of engagement with her.
There are some steps that can serve you as guidelines:
1 - Find you personal space. Move to a place that is chosen by you (and not physically close to her).
If you don’t have enough money to pay a full rent maybe you can share a house with other people or friends. Find an option that suits you.
2 - Set your own rules of contact with her. Think what makes you comfortable, once a week, once a month, once a year, or never. Think also about the duration of the contact (how much time you will endure) 5 min, 30 min, an hour. It is up to you to decide (with no guilt, you are defending your needs).
You don’t need to state these rules, you can just behave by them, and the Narcissistic Mother will get it as time goes by, but you have to be consistent.
Another thing, don’t feel obliged to answer every contact or question from her. Decide for yourself what makes sense to you. Most of the time when she contacts you it is just to send you another “hook” to throw you in one of her spirals of confusion and attention seeking.
3 - Set in place strategies and tactics to deal with her when you are together.
This is a long subject but there are some very effective ground rules when you talk or interact with her:
Stay calm, grounded, non emotional, and conscious of protecting your bio-energetic field (some like to call it aura). Remember to breathe slowly to calm you down. Let your presence be like a Sumo wrestler, unshakable.
Put your ego aside - By putting your ego aside you are less prone to fall for name calling, insults, labels, and so on. Remember no one can offend you if you don’t give importance to what is being said.
Everything you say can and will be used against you. Go for impersonal talks, never disclose personal information about you or your friends.
She is always right. When asked what do you think about an opinion she just stated, always agree with her even if you don’t agree. I know this is a hard one, especially if you have a high integrity and you want to be truthful and coherent. In this situation you have to decide if you want to start a discussion with her just to defend you position, or agree with her to save hassle of having a heated discussion that will drain your good mood and energy. It is always your decision.
Time delay. She will ask you to do something for her. If you agree this will make her feel that she still controls you. In general the task is not that important to her, what is important is you acceptance of doing it. If you don’t agree to do the task and don’t want to start another confrontation with her use the time delay tactic. You can say that you have to check your availability, your calendar, with another person, you need to think about that with more time, you haven’t yet reach to a conclusion, or that you don’t know and you will get back to her on a later date.
“I don’t do that”. When she is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to or disclose information about you or other people (for her own interest), you need to stand by your values, defend your ground and say NO!
Never justify yourself - Justifying to a Narcissistic Mother signifies that you are still a child. Adults don’t justify to each other only if they decide to, not because they have to or are coerced.
The broken record - When she insists, and she will, repeatedly to see if you break and she maintains dominance over you, you can resort to the “broken record” tactic. You just keep repeating what you said before, like: “I said I don’t do that”, in a very calm tone of voice. You keep repeating every time she asks you again, until she gives up (she will not be happy with this but you defend your free will).
Dealing with Emotional Aggression and Anger - There are some sentences that are quite effective and you can use to protect yourself and defuse the situation. They are: “I am sorry you feel that way”; or “Your anger is not my responsibility," or “I guess I have to accept how you feel”. By doing this you are not responding to the emotional aggression or anger, but you are affirming that you understand her emotional reaction without accepting it.
Dealing with Projections and Labeling - Some other sentences that you can use on these situations: “I can accept your faulty perception of me," or “I have no right to control how you see me”. By doing this you not only reject her projections on you, without defending yourself, and at the same time you take the high ground expressing a mature understanding of her situation.
Road To Freedom - Personal and Spiritual
In the beginning you still might feel guilty when you use these attitudes, strategies, and approaches, but that is ok, it is part of the process, just accept it without acting out on it. That will eventually pass as you get more skillful in the art of being YOU.
When you take this road of regaining the lost connection to inner spiritual core, you start to change. Don’t delude yourself that everything will be rosy, there will be failure along the way, but if you endure and persist, the pay off will be yours in the end. Train as much as you can these guidelines and be gentle with yourself, knowing that transformation takes time, months, or years. Don’t give up, keep on, and you will reach there.
Also take into account that you don’t lose face if you ask for help, or if you need some guiding tips from a psychotherapist.
After sometime this will become second nature and you start to restore you confidence, self-esteem, and presence, without losing emotional and energetic balance.
In this work persistence, endurance, and resilience will build your character to heights that you never dreamt of before, and will reconnect you to true Love, changing your whole Life for the better.
Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in these kind of situations. I will be very interested to hear from you.
Thank you for stopping by. Until next time, this is Awake... Development
Sometimes negative experiences turn out for the best. "Mommy Dearest" would have been a walk in the park. If not for the abuse, though, I would have ended up like these snowflakes, wallowing in fear and self pity. After 18 years of narcissism boot camp, with a narcissistic mother and raised in a cult with a narcissistic cult leader, nothing can touch me. I, long ago, gave up the armor, and opted for maneuverability. The added bonus is that I can pick psychopaths out of a lineup, just by looking at their eyes. Every negative experience, when used for learning, can be turned to the positive. I have higher situational awareness, better eyesight, better hearing, more adaptable intelligence, and I absolutely, couldn't care less what others think of me. I only discovered these benefits while researching the effects of trauma. It hadn't occurred to me before this discovery, why other people seem so dulled and muted in their experience of the world. I find this to be true of many people who grow up with abuse. The people with abusive mother have the most positive outcomes, while the people abused by their father usually retreat to hedonism and/or addiction to escape.
In retrospect, a narcissistic mother was a gift in horrible disguise. If I had it to do over, and could pick my parents before I was born, I wouldn't change a thing.
I see your point @lifeworship trauma and abuse can be, or not, great teachers, that will depend from several factors, but the price of trauma and abuse is always deep emotional scars (even if the person is not aware of it, or in other cases deny their existence). In plus, being raised with a narcissistic mother sets unconscious emotional templates for future relationships. If those unconscious emotional templates are not addressed through psychotherapy one has a tendency to unconsciously repeat those patterns, specially falling in love for the "wrong person".
Allow me question your last sentence, when you said "The people with abusive mother have the most positive outcomes..." Obvious this is your opinion which is not supported by data coming from narcissistic studies, nor from the long list of clients that I help as a psychotherapist. As I mentioned before the deep price paid is on the emotional level, and many years after the marks are still there (if left unattended).
As far as positive outcomes, I was not speaking statistically, but only of the people who survive these ordeals by learning from them. I accomplished this, myself, fact is not opinion. This is about context, not a difference of fact or opinion. Statistically, people who are raised by narcissists have a low rate of success, and usually post traumatic stress drives them perpetually into a victim mindset. Statistically, many people are lost along the way, and there is usually little that can be done for them without their desire to heal themselves. Endless therapy is usually of little help, except to set them up to need more therapy. Statistically, I have never seen, or read about, anyone 'fixed' by therapy.
Interesting what you say @lifeworship about abuse from mothers vs fathers, I'm curious to learn more about this. For me it was both although each abuse was different in nature. I can attest to struggling (still) with success although I've spent a lifetime willing and working hard at healing, growing, learning and trying to move past my childhood. Thankfully it gets easier all the time. The biggest challenge has been without a doubt how I see myself, my self-esteem, and thus how I approach everything. Anyway, I appreciate reading your experiences and comments here, all of us who have lived this have a lot to offer each other! Also, I can't imagine growing up in a cult on top of it all, cheers to all the growing you have done to move past it all!
The best advice I ever received is, in every situation, in every action, ask yourself 'whose approval am I seeking?'. If it is not your own, ask yourself 'why?'.
That IS good advice, thanks @lifeworship, I'm going to give it a try.
I agree with you that some experiences might have positive outcomes. The ones you pointed out are on the DOING side (skills), but you didn't mention any on the BEING side, you know how was the emotional impact of your mother had on you?
Another thing, I don't know if you are aware of what the field of statistic encompass? One doesn't make statistical prove of anything just by starting a phrase with the word "Statistically". The correct use of statistics is done by presenting data from research. If you are interesting I could suggest as reference the: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association. Here you can find most of the data and studies on mental disorders.
Again, you are absolutely right when you said that therapy doesn't "fix" people. One fixes machines and things, not people. People get healed through therapy. If you are genuinely interested in knowing more about psychotherapy the best thing is to start one and extract your own personal experience (sorry I am not taking new clients at the moment).
I would never trust anything the American Psychiatric Association put forward as fact. I do understand statistics, and also variability in determining accuracy and error in individual studies. The Diagnostic and Statistical manuals are rough guides to quantification of observation, and are not the same as, say, a physics text. Psychology is not an actual science, and Psychiatry is the application of medicine to said non-science. This is not to say these are completely without use, but I would never subject myself to such a questionable system, and use it only as a conversational shorthand with those who are not acquainted with the mechanisms of the ability to process trauma at a physical level.
In my experience therapy does more harm than good. It seems to encourage people to rely on an external source for internal healing, a religion of sorts.
@awaledev you have worked with and helped as a psychotherapist, that's wonderful! And I love that you're sharing your insight here on Steemit, I feel so fortunate to have found your blog. Working with a therapist helped me immeasurably! I know psychotherapy and therapy aren't the same but for me I just needed help, didn't know the difference at the time and couldn't have afforded the former. What was most powerful was to have someone who truly understood and cared, and the permission she gave me to live my own life. Working with her taught me to trust and taught me how to be in healthy relationships. I can't imagine how I could have survived without her. The work you do is so important, and on behalf of all those who walk this particular life path, thank you!
Thank you so much for your words @natureofbeing If you are interested I have more stuff on http://awakedevelopment.com Take care.
Great, thanks I'll take a look!
You have captured perfectly the realities for children of narcissists!! I know this well from the inside too. One thing that really freed me up from the guilt trip involved in my decision to stop trying to help her and meet her needs first was when a therapist told me that nothing I could do could would ever be enough for her. I couldn't possibly fix her nor really even help her very much so I might as well focus my relationship with her on taking care of myself and giving where I wish, and basically make the relationship work for me. I have and mostly it works for me but sometimes I get sucked in to hoping for a little love or acknowledgement or something motherly from her and I have to snap back in to reality. Thanks for a thoughtful and excellent post!
also - resteemed and followed :-)
Thanks @natureogbeing following you too :)
That is quite true when you said "ever be enough for her". The really tough part is to accept that they are unable to give love. They can say the word Love but you don't feel love.
Thanks for your comments @natureofbeing glad to help.
Yes you're so right, the impact and repercussions of having a parent who can say the word love but actually not be capable of loving are deep and far reaching and I know for me, I am still healing myself even in my 40s!
Yes, don't get discouraged. It takes time to heal this kind of abuse that goes deep to the core of who we are. Reconnecting to self acceptance and self nurture is a way to open up to Love again (and a major victory).
Thanks and yes so true!! have a beautiful day
You too my friend.
I covered all the basis you mentioned in my first 40 years of life and finally had to leave my family when I turned 40, I'm still sad but not angry or hatefilled, which was the lesson I needed to learn in this life. My mother was my teacher in ways she could not understand. Excellent post friend @awakedev🌸🙏🌈
ah @reddust...no wonder I feel such a connection with you! And I have cultivated the same perspective - grateful for the lessons and what she was able to give knowing that I wouldn't be me without her. I too have very very little contact with my mother although I ache for her sometimes! xoxoox
I feel the connection too @natureofbeing, hypersensitivity/alertness is a survival skill I've learned to use rather than the behavior use me.
My Mom just passed last year and I hadn't seen her for almost 4 years after she was diagnosed with cancer growing around her heart. I said goodbye to her when she was diagnosed and felt no sadness at her passing, I let go of her over 20 years ago. I was the oldest and protected my sibs from the perverts and child molesters she attracted. All the women in my family have had issues with this type of man and it took years of therapy for me to develop boundaries and see a psychopath when I meet one. Psychopaths are attracted to narcissistic people and me and my sibs have narcissistic traits. I'm the only one in my family that has worked to let go of that type of conditioning. It's really difficult to do with a creative artistic personality all the women in my family are blessed/cursed with....
It's wonderful how well you've helped yourself! This is a major accomplishment in life and something to be very proud of! What you say here is SO insightful and I've never heard anyone articulate this concept of the unique dangers and challenges inherent in having an artistic temperament and hypersensitivity (among the blessings)) particularly when growing up with a narcissistic parent. I'm working on "using it" rather than "it using me" as well but I am not as far along with this as I'd like to be. Also something else I've noticed but never heard anyone else say until I read your comment is how as a child of a narcissist, you can take on narcissistic behaviors while not actually being a narcissist. I've seen it in myself, my siblings, my father and step-mother. In the case of my father I've watched him heal and transform going from being tyrannical to moving past these behaviors and becoming an open-hearted, loving, generous man in is 60s. Anyway, it always helps me to know there are others there on this particular path, thanks for your insights @reddust and @awakedev!
Thank you @natureofbeing🌸
Thank you @natureofbeing 🙏
Thanks @reddust for your comments, appreciated. Let me know if I can be of help. Take care 🙏
Thank you @awakedev, I've done lots of survivor work one on one with a ptsd specialist and closed group work years ago, also lots of vipassana meditation retreats with SN Goenka's community. I also changed my diet and exercise to deal with stress induced illnesses, which are in remission. His assistant teachers were amazing, I left my night terrors, anxiety and panic attacks go back in 1994. I've developed healthy coping skills and relationships too! I still get sad, stressed, and even angry sometimes but now I consider my emotions to be pretty normal compared to my mind state 25 years ago, this is a journey that will be ongoing until I pass away, I'm okay with that now.
Glad for you @reddust you didn't shy away from life's challenges and fought back to regain what was rightfully yours, a sense of self acceptance, self love and peace of mind. It takes courage to do what you did and at the same time is beautiful when someone like you rises above life's conditionings and becomes free.
yes so true!
Excellent post! I like your work My friend
Thank you @mars9 appreciated.
I have a friend who would love to read this.
Thanks @decentral Please send a link to your friend.
Sure @awakedev, already done that, thanks :)
Thank you :)
That was very interesting even though I don't have such a mother but a few Ex's I got trapped with.
Thank you @mammasitta for your comments. I wrote another article that might interest you 11 TIPS TO SPOT A NARCISSIST
That's the one I will read for sure 😜
😜
This post has been ranked within the top 80 most undervalued posts in the second half of Apr 23. We estimate that this post is undervalued by $2.10 as compared to a scenario in which every voter had an equal say.
See the full rankings and details in The Daily Tribune: Apr 23 - Part II. You can also read about some of our methodology, data analysis and technical details in our initial post.
If you are the author and would prefer not to receive these comments, simply reply "Stop" to this comment.
Stop
We apologize for any inconvenience. You will no longer receive these comments on your posts.
thank you for sharing this. it meant a lot to me while reading. please post more and hope to be good friends w/ you too. (yes i do need a lot of advice too).
Sorry for the delay answering you back. You are very welcome @erelasblog You might like two other post about the same subject, they are https://steemit.com/life/@awakedev/11-tips-to-spot-a-narcissist
https://steemit.com/life/@awakedev/peek-inside-the-narcissist-s-mind