11 TIPS TO SPOT A NARCISSIST
What if you could spot a narcissist before they take advantage of you, or make your life miserable? Wouldn’t that save you a lot of hassle (and your sanity)?
In the last article we went through a journey to try to understand the narcissist’s mind in “Peek Inside the Narcissist’s Mind”.
You would profit to read the previous article in order to better understand and use this one. If you haven’t read it you can do so by following the link above.
Disclaimer
The list below with 11 signs will serve as a rough guide to identify narcissists in real life (or in your life).
Remember that we all share in some degree narcissistic characteristics. The difference is that a narcissist will score most of the 11 signs bellow, whereas a non narcissist person will just exhibit one, two, or three of those, and to a lesser degree.
When you use the list below remember that a full diagnosis of a narcissist should only be done by a credited health care professional.
“I have a very simple question to people…who seem to suffer from excessive narcissism: Please name three other persons who are smarter and more capable than you, in the field you work in. (In most cases they are utterly unable to answer that question honestly.)”
-- Ingo Molnar
11 Signs Narcissist Identification List
- Sense of Grandiose and Self Importance
- Me, Me, and Me
- Charmer
- Feels Entitled
- Lack of Empathy and Respect for Others
- Manipulates, Deceives, and Lies
- Lack of Guilt or Remorse
- Lashes Out When Challenged
- Obsessed With Fantasies of Limitless Success
- Impulsivity and Poor Behavior Control
- Rule Breaker
Let’s see each one of those signs in more detail.
1 - Sense of Grandiose and Self Importance
Grossly inflated view of one’s self worth, abilities, self-assured, opinionated, braggart, and cocky. Behaves arrogantly, haughtily, and believe they are superior to others without presenting corresponding achievements.
The narcissist looks for people and situations that will feed their need for excessive adulation, attention, admiration, and affirmation.:
Some examples of this grandiose image making
“My accomplishments are everything” ― Anonymous executive
“I dyed my hair blond and enlarged my breasts to get men’s attention—and to make other women jealous” ― Anonymous
“I never want to be looked upon as poor. My fiancé and I each drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding also drives a Mercedes.” ― Anonymous
2 - Me, Me, and Me
The narcissist loves to be the center of attention.
In conversations they monopolize the space and just talk about themselves. They don’t seem interested in knowing about you, your views or your feelings. You will struggle to get your message across.
Selfies will be abundant. If in a group photo the narcissist will be at the center of the photo. The world revolves around them.
3 - Charmer
When they are interested in you, the narcissist will be very persuasive and charismatic, making you feel very special and wanted. Of course they are interested in you for their own interest and gratification.
While you satisfy their desires and need for attention the narcissist will be very sociable and engaging, but when they lose interest in you or got what they want, you will be left in the cold without a second thought.
“Narcissists commonly cut people off and out of their lives due to their shallow emotional style of seeing others as either good or bad.”
-- Karyl McBride
4 - Feels Entitled
Being treated like everybody else is not enough for the narcissist. They feel that they should be treated differently by others. They expect automatic and full compliance with their unreasonable needs, demands, and expectations. They do this without being considerate in return. They expect preferential treatment.
5 - Lack of Empathy and Respect for Others
Narcissists show a lack of empathy and feelings towards others: no heart resonance. They can be coldhearted, inconsiderate, disdainful, and tactless.
They often put people down as it feeds their need to feel grandiose.
Other people’s boundaries are ignored and disregarded, including their thoughts, feelings, physical space and possessions. They show unnecessary disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. They overstep others limits and use them without sensitivity or consideration. They may borrow items or money without returning them back. Narcissists break obligations and promises repeatedly. They show little or no remorse for others, and blames the victim for the lack of respect.
6 - Manipulates, Deceives, and Lies
Narcissists consider others as an extension of them, and as such, they have no problem making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. Other people may be used by the narcissist to fulfill unrealized dreams, or to cover up self-perceived flaws and inadequacies: “If my daughter doesn’t grow up to be a doctor, I’ll disown her”.
Narcissists can manipulate you by playing the “victim” card and making you feel guilty, eg: “You must help me or you’re not a good person”, or “I’ve made all those sacrifices for you, and you’re so ungrateful”. They take over your emotions, and seduce you to unreasonable demands.
They can make use of deception and deceit to con, cheat, or defraud others for personal gain.
Pay attention to inconsistencies as they are prone to lie. They may behave in crafty, shrewd, sly, clever, and cunning ways. Some narcissists may even be cunning, deceitful, unethical, deceptive, dishonest, and unscrupulous.
7 - Lack of Guilt or Remorse
Narcissists show little or no concern for the feelings or losses, suffering, and pain of one’s victims. There is a tendency to be dispassionate, unconcerned, unempathic, and coldhearted.
They seldom or never apologize.
“There’s a reason narcissists don’t learn from mistakes and that’s because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one.”
-- Jeffrey Kluger
8 - Lashes Out When Challenged
When you say or express something that is not in accord or agreement with the narcissist, they will likely correct it, ignore it or dismiss it.
If the narcissist gets frustrated, confronted, or contradicted, they might get infuriated and express rage.
9 - Obsessed With Fantasies of Limitless Success
Narcissists are obsessed with get rich fast schemes, fame, unlimited success, omnipotence, or fearsome power, mental brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily wellness and beauty or sexual attraction and performance (the somatic narcissist). You also have the idealistic one obsessed with, all-conquering, everlasting love or passion.
10 - Impulsivity and Poor Behavior Control
Narcissists often lack planning or reflection. They jump into action without evaluating consequences as they are unable to resist frustrations, temptations, and urges. They may act in unpredictable ways, foolhardy, erratic, rash, and reckless.
All this is due to poor behavior control as they let run free their expression of annoyance, impatience, irritability, verbal abuse, threats, and aggression. Often narcissists act hastily, lashing out with anger and temper tantrums.
11 - Rule Breaker
Narcissist get a kick out of violating social norms and rules, and getting away with it, some examples: breaking multiple appointments, cutting in line, stealing office supplies, tax evasion, chronic under-tipping, or disobeying traffic laws. A good example is the following quote
“I take pride in persuading people to give me exceptions to their rules”
-- Anonymous
Use It Wisely
Hope this 11 tips will serve you well and help you avoid unpleasant and abusive encounters, making your life more enjoyable, free, truthful, and peaceful.
The next post will be about ways to deal with narcissists in your life, including practical strategies to protect yourself and stay safe. If you don’t want to lose this article please subscribe to our mailing list bellow and receive email notifications of new posts. Stay tuned.
If you enjoyed the post please leave your comment bellow or share your personal experience with narcissists in your life. Thank you.
Until next time, this is Awake... Development
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association.
Carlson, E. N., Naumann, L. P., & Vazire, S. (2012). Getting to Know a Narcissist Inside and Out. In The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Vol. 28, pp. 283–299). Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley & Sons, Inc. http://doi.org/10.1002/9781118093108.ch25
DuBrin, A. (n.d.). Who is a Workplace Narcissist? Edward Elgar Publishing. http://doi.org/10.4337/9781781001363.00005
Holtzman, N. S., Vazire, S., & Mehl, M. R. (2010). Sounds like a narcissist: Behavioral manifestations of narcissism in everyday life. Journal of Research in Personality, 44(4), 478–484. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2010.06.001
I work on a sliding scale daily on all of these characteristics....haha😎 Some days I'm a saint other days 😈😇🤡
We all have a bit of those characteristics @reddust at some point or another, this thing is when their remain constant and are intensified.
I grew up with a narcissist mother and a psychopathic pedophile stepfather, both seemed to be missing reasoning and empathy abilities. Long term ability to see how their action would impact their health and others wellbeing. I felt like I was living with aliens...that is why I'm highly aware of my inner world, my conditioning as a child was influenced by my caregivers.
Thanks for sharing. You are not alone @reddust It is a tough call to grow up where you feel like "living with aliens".
I just wrote another post about the same topic " HOW TO SURVIVE A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER AND KEEP YOUR SANITY
that might interest you.
Excellent article, thank you for taking the time and caring for people like me❤️
You're very welcome @reddust. Learning to be free is a must to create a freer world for everybody ❤️
Is that possible that a charmer be disrespectful of people and have poor behavior control? Besides, a person who only talks about himself is a great bore and looks foolish. IMHO, to effectively manipulate people, one should be empathic (Tyrion Lannister is a great example).
Yes, I don't see why not.
For some alternative perspective about a "diagnosis" that no longer exists. I think anyone that truly loves and respects themselves could never have anything to fear from any "narcissist."
https://steemit.com/mentalhealth/@clayboyn/mental-health-and-stigma-revisiting-the-topic-with-greater-perspective
Thanks @clayboyn for the comments. Appreciated.
About labels, it is a yes and no. They do still exist you can see by the DSM literature used today (see references) and can set a course of therapy, on the other hand they can also misused and create unnecessary hell in people's lives ( I am thinking on some artificial labels created by the big pharma just to make money, like ADHD).
On a more mundane level this article can help people to recognize the level of abuse and suffering they have been undergoing on the hands of narcissists, and bring awareness to the problem.
On the next article I will approach practical ways to deal with narcissists and maintain our emotional and mental health.
I totally agree that it's something it that can be emotionally abusive, but I don't agree with labeling people based on a behavior that can be changed. Narcissistic behaviors, like you said above, are presented by all of us. It's not like murder or rape or child molester. Those are actions. Labeling someone a narcissist because of a narcissistic behavior that is developed as a coping mechanism to abuse or neglect that they previously received is not helping, it's saying "We're all fucked up, but your more fucked up so you are the bad one." I hope you can see my perspective here. I'm not trying to fight your beliefs on the issue, I'm just trying to promote the ability to challenge your own thought on the matter and make sure that is what you believe at your core.
I understand and I am with you @clayboyn horrible things have been done using labels, like the confusion of most psychiatrist, even today, between psychosis, and spiritual crisis or emergence. My background is in psychology so I use them but with containance.
I guess by what you wrote that you haven't been the target of a narcissist in your personal life or have to deal with them professionally. You might not believe the emotional and mental scars that they leave are like any other type of abuse or trauma. I have clients in their 50 and 60 that are still trying to deal with things that happen to them in their childhood.
The other thing that is so sad with narcissists is that they are never wrong or apologise. By not accepting that they did something wrong they continue to repeat it (creating hell for them and others close to them). In the narcissists mind they are never the problem, the problem is other people. And so it goes. It is very difficult for them to change even with psychotherapy (which in most cases fail).
I feel like the core issue, which is why I really hate labeling based on the behavior pattern, is that I was convinced I was completely different from everyone else. Sometimes people take that as a narcissistic view of themselves being better than everyone, but it's nothing like that at all for the person doing it. It's just a tool developed to convince everyone else that nothing is wrong. Honestly, once I started fixing issues I kind of gave on the whole concept that a narcissist was a real thing, but perhaps the overt physically abusive and the covert internal rage are really two different conditions. Either way, thanks for the alternative perspective and hopefully I provided some food for thought.
I understand you hate labeling based on behavior patterns. I don't have that relation with labeling, it is like anything else that can be use for good or ill.
Sorry @clayboyn I disagree with you when you try to explain narcissistic behavior based on the ends of the narcissistic behavior. If you really want to understand what goes on in their minds please read my article PEEK INSIDE THE NARCISSIST'S MIND
Going back to labeling. Take an example a person that kills people. If I don't give you the context you don't have the whole picture to proceed, or in this case to label that person. If I tell you that person that kills people is a soldier of your country, or that person is a psychopath criminal, or that person does medical assisted euthanasia in terminal patients. Although the aim of the behavior is the same, the context in which is done will alter our perception and meaning of it, and consequently the label attached to it.
It's fine to disagree it allows for additional perspective. My view is that morality and perceptions are relatively subjective. I prefer to base mine on my own beliefs and not a superego societal norms. Personally I feel that society has become so far gone at this point that to use the skewed condemning views of a society that finds it more comfortable to toss blame instead of looking within for comprehension of why you would allow yourself to be emotionally abused as an adult if something wasn't inherently off with you in the first place. Codependency enables narcissistic behavior, so removing codependency could also be seen as a cure. Ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves.
:) If you read the post I linked at the start, I'd say I'm extremely familiar with "narcissist" as I have spent the last three and half months fixing my own issues that no one had ever even pointed out to me. I would say I hit literally every behavior used to diagnose NPD and was completely oblivious. The key to changing all of that? Love and not being treating like I was broken. I have basically used steemit as my journal for mental health and working through all of my issues if you want verification. Including finding the points where the broken behaviors were learned.
I sympathise with you @clayboyn . First of all you are having the courage to step forward, and I bow to that. No all are able to do that. It takes certain kind of people to embrace such challenge. Second, you are not broken my friend, at core you are perfect, but that doesn't mean that there are some issues with the way you make reason of the world and act on it. The main point is that you took the challenge to better yourself and that's what counts in my book. Let me know if I can help you in someway. Much respect for you.
Actually I'd like your opinion on this: I think the reason I feel so strongly about this is exactly the subjective nature of the behaviors. I think the problem with diagnosing the behavior based on broken thinking is that it's telling someone they are that behavior. I feel like mental health diagnosis in general doesn't consider the damage done by telling someone their entire mind is broken or sick. It's similar to gaslighting in its own way in my mind. It's like telling someone they are sick and the only way to get better is by learning how to be well again, but your mind doesn't work either so take some pills and hope for the best. I honestly feel that if at some point someone pointed out that these behaviors can be abusive and that we don't understand that we are hurting someone and explain the difference in perspective, it would have been incredibly more helpful. Like explaining that denial is a coping mechanism that I might be using to protect myself, but that I don't understand that to someone else that denial is gaslighting because it is invalidating their perspectives and emotions. Maybe even pointing out that repressing our emotions is a form of self harm because we fear the rejection and abandonment that we already know, but we don't realize that by living this way we are continuing the cycle. I honestly feel like the reason so many psychiatric professionals fundamentally failed at diagnosing and treating this is the very thing they are trying to teach: perspective. How can you ever begin to explain perspective to someone if you don't understand what it's like to not comprehend perspective. I thought perspective was universal up until a few months back. People existed as I saw them in my mind and people that disagreed were just stupid and couldn't face the facts. I think exactly what I just said is why someone with so much perspective has so much trouble diagnosing and treating someone with no perspective.
@clayboyn the question you are asking is personal one which I can't answer as I don't know you personally. Even if I knew you I wouldn't feel uncomfortable to discuss this on an open forum as issues of confidentiality would have to be considered. If I may suggest an avenue of reflection for you is to approach your question in a different way. Try to get in touch with your feelings that are underneath your opinion about the issue. You might discover something new about yourself.
You already are. Every bit of perspective helps, even if I disagree.
Excellent post! I like your work My friend
Thanks @mars9 for your comments. You maybe interested, I am writing another article on how to deal with narcissists and remain sane. I will post it this weekend.
I tried to vote but it didn't let me anymore . Bookmarked !!
No idea what happened @mammasitta
Probably shortly before payout