RE: HOW TO SURVIVE A NARCISSISTIC MOTHER AND KEEP YOUR SANITY
Sometimes negative experiences turn out for the best. "Mommy Dearest" would have been a walk in the park. If not for the abuse, though, I would have ended up like these snowflakes, wallowing in fear and self pity. After 18 years of narcissism boot camp, with a narcissistic mother and raised in a cult with a narcissistic cult leader, nothing can touch me. I, long ago, gave up the armor, and opted for maneuverability. The added bonus is that I can pick psychopaths out of a lineup, just by looking at their eyes. Every negative experience, when used for learning, can be turned to the positive. I have higher situational awareness, better eyesight, better hearing, more adaptable intelligence, and I absolutely, couldn't care less what others think of me. I only discovered these benefits while researching the effects of trauma. It hadn't occurred to me before this discovery, why other people seem so dulled and muted in their experience of the world. I find this to be true of many people who grow up with abuse. The people with abusive mother have the most positive outcomes, while the people abused by their father usually retreat to hedonism and/or addiction to escape.
In retrospect, a narcissistic mother was a gift in horrible disguise. If I had it to do over, and could pick my parents before I was born, I wouldn't change a thing.
I see your point @lifeworship trauma and abuse can be, or not, great teachers, that will depend from several factors, but the price of trauma and abuse is always deep emotional scars (even if the person is not aware of it, or in other cases deny their existence). In plus, being raised with a narcissistic mother sets unconscious emotional templates for future relationships. If those unconscious emotional templates are not addressed through psychotherapy one has a tendency to unconsciously repeat those patterns, specially falling in love for the "wrong person".
Allow me question your last sentence, when you said "The people with abusive mother have the most positive outcomes..." Obvious this is your opinion which is not supported by data coming from narcissistic studies, nor from the long list of clients that I help as a psychotherapist. As I mentioned before the deep price paid is on the emotional level, and many years after the marks are still there (if left unattended).
As far as positive outcomes, I was not speaking statistically, but only of the people who survive these ordeals by learning from them. I accomplished this, myself, fact is not opinion. This is about context, not a difference of fact or opinion. Statistically, people who are raised by narcissists have a low rate of success, and usually post traumatic stress drives them perpetually into a victim mindset. Statistically, many people are lost along the way, and there is usually little that can be done for them without their desire to heal themselves. Endless therapy is usually of little help, except to set them up to need more therapy. Statistically, I have never seen, or read about, anyone 'fixed' by therapy.
Interesting what you say @lifeworship about abuse from mothers vs fathers, I'm curious to learn more about this. For me it was both although each abuse was different in nature. I can attest to struggling (still) with success although I've spent a lifetime willing and working hard at healing, growing, learning and trying to move past my childhood. Thankfully it gets easier all the time. The biggest challenge has been without a doubt how I see myself, my self-esteem, and thus how I approach everything. Anyway, I appreciate reading your experiences and comments here, all of us who have lived this have a lot to offer each other! Also, I can't imagine growing up in a cult on top of it all, cheers to all the growing you have done to move past it all!
The best advice I ever received is, in every situation, in every action, ask yourself 'whose approval am I seeking?'. If it is not your own, ask yourself 'why?'.
That IS good advice, thanks @lifeworship, I'm going to give it a try.
I agree with you that some experiences might have positive outcomes. The ones you pointed out are on the DOING side (skills), but you didn't mention any on the BEING side, you know how was the emotional impact of your mother had on you?
Another thing, I don't know if you are aware of what the field of statistic encompass? One doesn't make statistical prove of anything just by starting a phrase with the word "Statistically". The correct use of statistics is done by presenting data from research. If you are interesting I could suggest as reference the: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5. Washington, D.C: American Psychiatric Association. Here you can find most of the data and studies on mental disorders.
Again, you are absolutely right when you said that therapy doesn't "fix" people. One fixes machines and things, not people. People get healed through therapy. If you are genuinely interested in knowing more about psychotherapy the best thing is to start one and extract your own personal experience (sorry I am not taking new clients at the moment).
I would never trust anything the American Psychiatric Association put forward as fact. I do understand statistics, and also variability in determining accuracy and error in individual studies. The Diagnostic and Statistical manuals are rough guides to quantification of observation, and are not the same as, say, a physics text. Psychology is not an actual science, and Psychiatry is the application of medicine to said non-science. This is not to say these are completely without use, but I would never subject myself to such a questionable system, and use it only as a conversational shorthand with those who are not acquainted with the mechanisms of the ability to process trauma at a physical level.
In my experience therapy does more harm than good. It seems to encourage people to rely on an external source for internal healing, a religion of sorts.
@awaledev you have worked with and helped as a psychotherapist, that's wonderful! And I love that you're sharing your insight here on Steemit, I feel so fortunate to have found your blog. Working with a therapist helped me immeasurably! I know psychotherapy and therapy aren't the same but for me I just needed help, didn't know the difference at the time and couldn't have afforded the former. What was most powerful was to have someone who truly understood and cared, and the permission she gave me to live my own life. Working with her taught me to trust and taught me how to be in healthy relationships. I can't imagine how I could have survived without her. The work you do is so important, and on behalf of all those who walk this particular life path, thank you!
Thank you so much for your words @natureofbeing If you are interested I have more stuff on http://awakedevelopment.com Take care.
Great, thanks I'll take a look!