The Flip side of Success (It’s my life so far)

Hello Everybody, My Name is Pallab Kayal (@jenas), and I am a new Steemian here. First of all, I want to thank you, my dear friend, @nirmal who told me about this place and encouraged me to join here.

I am 23, and I am a failed B.COM (Bachelor of Commerce) Graduate. I came to know about Blogging a few years ago. That’s where my story begins.

**I apologise to you (in advance), as it's not going to be another typical introduce yourself post. You may relish or despise after reading till the end. **What's so different about this? Well. You'll need to read it to find out. So, give it some of your precious minutes to read my story.

I’m from Kolkata, India. But I born and brought in a place, known as Diamond Harbour i.e. 2 hours away from Kolkata by Train.

How Did I mess up my life (& career) passing out from school (12th standard)?

I’ve done my schooling at my local city. I’ve always been keen to the computer, and so I wanted to study technical course rather a regular college degree.

Meanwhile, I was doing basic computer course from a computer centre in front of my school. They brainwashed each student to do at least “Computer Basic” which I did like before completing my 12th standard. Needless to say, it was a total waste of money.

I scored 65% marks, and it was good enough to enrol at my local college for studying B.COM (Bachelor of Commerce). I had to pick commerce because my stream was commerce at school.

But as I told you that I was keen to the computer, and I never liked math anyway. The centre filled my head with garbage, and I was too naïve to trust their words back then.

Mistake #1: Wrong Choice

It's where everything started. The centre called and filled my head with (false) ambitions and hope, and they were successful as they knew that I wanted to pursue computer degree rather than a general college degree. They suggested me to study BCA (Bachelor in Computer Application).

Meanwhile, all of the friends took admission form from the local college, and I did it same too. But they filled it and submitted within proper date, but I didn’t since I decided not to go for a general degree in a college.

Mistake #2: A foolish decision (without any discussion with friends and family)

Even though, all of the friends advised me to submit the form if something happens or I change my mind later. But I didn’t listen to them as I made my decision already.

However, I never told any of these things to my parents. Well. I just told them once that I want to pursue BCA casually.
Meanwhile, the deadline ended to submit the form. I didn’t know anything as I never called anybody for a week or so. Now, I visited the computer centre with my father as the centre administrator (brainwasher/manipulator) wanted to discuss something before admission.

Mistake #3: An unforgivable mistake (huge blunder)

I must tell you a little bit about my family background before telling you rest of my story (or mistakes).

I am from a low-income family. I’ve a little brother along with mom and dad. My father works as a clerk in a Travel agency in Kolkata. The course fees were very costly, and it was like a mountain to climb with barefoot.

But I didn’t understand a thing even though I was 18 years old back then. Shame on me. I never felt the pressure to carry such a burden with little income. But now, I know it very well.

We came back home, and my dad and mom told me that it wouldn't be possible. But I forced my ideology and told then it has better chances to (big fat) salary than a regular college degree.

So, they agreed and enrolled me into BCA by taking a loan from office. But life had another plan. In the end, I couldn’t continue BCA course after 3-4 months due to my reasons that I can’t share it here.

What’s next for me? Remorse, Regret, Desperate or Depression?

After making such a **crime, I didn't know how to face my family. I cursed myself for not submitting the form in college. I could have avoided if I presented my admission form just as my friends told me back then.

But there is no choice for me now. College already was begun, and there was no chance for me to do anything except regretting every day.

So, I decided to look for jobs with my current qualification (12th pass), and I thought what if I can make money from home. Isn't there any way to earn money online?

So, I googled to learn all about making money online, but I came across some PPC (Pay Per click) scam websites. Next, I tried newspaper to look for jobs, and there was an ad to make money online.

They charged 500 Rs (10$) to become a member, and (lol) it was same PPC scam. But they didn’t share all information, and the ad was quite promising, and I fooled again.

Yeah!! I know what you are thinking. I am an idiot, dumbass or something similar. I guess that my head was not working properly that time.

After a while, I came to a bit about blogging, bloggers and adAdSenseI made a blog on Blogger (Blogger.com) and wrote some articles. Also, I made some blogging friends in the same niche too.

But I wasn’t able to make any money, and I thought that it’s not going to work for me. So, I quit writing on that blog after some time and tried to a short-term course to get a job as soon as possible.

How did I get into blogging?

I came across another ad on the newspaper “learn share trading and get a job after three months”. I convinced (forced) my father again to learn this (bull) crap as I wanted to get a job desperately. So, I went there, and the course fee was around 10,000 Rs ($150) for three months training.

They told me that if I scored 60% on the exam (after training); they will find me a job. Why the hell did I accept such term? I don’t even know.

I gave exam after three months, and my score was 54 or 55% unfortunately. Naturally, I came back home empty handed.
I made mistakes after mistakes after mistakes. There was nothing left except regrets within me.

I often asked myself in those days. What’s just happened? Everything was going well until I allowed myself to be brainwashed by that scum in the computer centre.

My mom-dad told me to take admission in the next year at my local college. Oh! Well. There’s no other choice anyway.

But what would I do for rest of these months? I can’t sit idle all the time at home. Something clicked my mind again. I gathered some knowledge about blogging, make money online and freelancing stuff in the mean time.

But how would I make money? I failed to make money from my blog. So, what else could I do? I saw some people giving services such as blog commenting, article writing, logo design, etc.

I decided to offer Blog commenting service as it was easiest and most convenient for me. Luckily, I got a blog commenting request from my friend, and I made 250 Rs ($5) for the first time.

I can’t describe that feeling. I was so happy to earn some money online at last. Thanks to my good friend.

Later, I moved to content writing service, and it helped to cover my internet bills. That’s how I set my foot into internet marketing world for the first time back in 2013.

Things are started to get better, but I was not able to make enough money after blogging/writing for the next six month. It frustrated me even more and more and more and more every day. That’s enough. My earning was low as hell, and I couldn’t take any more. I decided to quit my blogging journey once and for all at the end of 2013. I did it eventually. I decided to quite my blogging journey once and for all.

College Life: Took admission at the last day (or else I would’ve wasted another year again)

Since I had no connection with my former friends; I didn’t know the admission and submission date. Also, I was ashamed to face my friends.

What do I tell them? What did I do last year? I didn’t fail or anything. My reason was not something that you can say bluntly to your former school friends. I was hesitating a lot.

Lol! I was still the same (naïve, fool, full of mistakes) even after one year. My dad took two days leave from his office for enrolling and submitting the form behalf of me. Lastly, I gathered my courage after listening to my mom’s words and went to college with my dad to submit the form.

Thankfully, it was the last day to submit the form. Thank God. Otherwise, I would have wasted another year again. You must be pissed to see the list of mistakes I did in less than a year. I can't blame you.

Beginning of my college life: - It was kind of okay at first until I realized my passion (What I want to do in my future)

What happened before entering into college in my life so far?

Passed 12th exam > went to BCA (unable to continue after four months) > ran here and there (scammed and wasted money again) > tried blogging/content writing (miserable income and I gave up) > took re-admission on B.COM (Honors.) at my local college in 2014.

Note: By the way, my deal computer centre doesn't refund money if you don't want to continue. It is their policy. So, they never paid me back my fees of those four months.

Now, I just needed to complete my graduation with an average score so that I can find a job to support my family. Hell!! Like that's going to happen. I enjoyed my first year in the college. I scored 70% overall, and It was more than enough for me.

HERE'S COME THE BIGGEST TWIST/MISTAKE OF MY LIFE: WHAT? DRAWING? DESIGNING? ANIMATION?

My college life was going well. I scored well in my first year. But something knocked my mind before enrolling in my local college in 2014. Like I've realised for the first time what I wanted to all along.

It was related to the computer, but It was not BCA or B.Tech. I just didn't know enough about it. The thing is that I have liked cartoon always and I wanted to make then.

I wanted to share my feelings/story with others through my drawing/art/animation, but I never knew what I need to learn for it. There shouldn't be any issue if I realised right after passing out my school. But I came know to about animation too late.

Later, I came to know about 2D Flash animation (stick animation), and I gave it a try after quitting my blog at the end of Dec 2013-2014. Yeah!! I did make some animation videos in the first quarter of 2014. But the result was too disappointing.

Am I good for nothing? I tried blogging, failed. Now, it was the same for animation. Damn it all. That's what I thought.

I should've stuck to either blogging or animation. But I gave up way too fast. So, just complete college and get a job. That was the plan. But I never able to get rid of animation fully; I tried after sometimes again. But the result was the same, still.

Obviously, it was frustrating (discouraging and demotivating) without a doubt. On the other hand, I need to earn money to play my bills and some other stuff. Hence, I wrote contents to make some money.

But I was forcing myself as I've never wanted to this thing. But I had to do it to cover my expenses. Nevertheless, I resumed my content writing service despite the low income.

Life Goes on.

It wasn’t satisfactory, but it was a lot better than before. Passion or reality? You can’t animate without food, shelter and money. That’s reality over your passion. The answer was clear as daylight. Eventually, I had to forget about animation as it was not going to bring me any money. Just work and go to college to complete my degree. That’s how my first year ended (2013-2014).

I need money to survive in the real word, and so I need to make money even if like it or not. I built some writing clients, and I was earning a bit better than before. Also, I researched everything about animation and animation process, techniques and software. I got everything that I wanted to know about blogging and animation. But I couldn't have time to animate anymore.

But still, I was happy to know everything about animation. I told myself that I can make animation whenever I want now. No need to hurry. Let's make money first to improve my condition.

Maybe, it was my first correct decision till now (lol seriously)

I am in the second year now. Now, I have got more pressure (more math) and more never** liked math in my entire student life just like many of you. I cleared my 2nd year somehow while many of friends got backlogs on one to two subjects.

I took blogging seriously from my second as I was planning to save some money to pursue animation after my graduation. I might have able to save money, but my dad's income was never enough our budget, and so I hard to contribute, naturally.

I wanted to leave everything to focus on my animation only. But you must earn money to live in this hellish world to stay alive. I did everything to support my family, but I was unable to make enough like my fellow bloggers/content writers.

B.COM 3rd year was freaking hard. I wasn't able to clear two subjects: Business Mathematics and Taxation. Most of the friends had cheated as the teachers (examiners) were guarding our exam hall very casually. Some of my friends did hand me their notes, but my hands were shaking even though there was no teacher around to catch me.

I am not giving any excuse for my failure, though. I was unable to clear two subjects, and so I failed to graduate my B.COM (H) degree in 2016.

My life after college: What should I do now?

It has been a year now. How am I going to feed my family? How am I going to help my mom, dad and little brother? I was looking for a job everywhere possible. I didn't get a suitable to job to balance my family like I wanted.

It felt like same as before. And my irony is that this is my fault, no one to blame. It is how my three years of college life ended (in 2016).

** I'm jobless, still. How am I surviving? **

I'm able to survive until now; thanks to my friends. Good friends can change your life despite all of your problems.

I've been earning some money through content writing, and I decided to continue it until I get a suitable job.

Something happened during my 2nd year of college:

I came across some life-changing (helpful) friends during 2015. They helped me a lot to learn about blogging, content writing and many more stuff.

I wouldn't be here without them. My friend @nirmal is one of them surely. He's an awesome guy; always ready to help.

There are no words to show my gratitude to friends like you @nirmal.

What happened to my animation dream? Did I quit again?

Nope. I am not going to quit anything. I will never leave anything in the middle.

I made way too many fatal mistakes which wasted my time, and wounded my career and dreams time and time again. That's enough. No more.

**People learn from their mistakes. But I came to my senses a little bit late than everybody. But still, I have time on my hand; I can bounce back once again and follow my dream if I do thing correctly from now.

There would be nobody who made mistakes like me? Wait. Did I say mistake? Those are not mistakes; it's my sin that I'm going to atone for the rest of my life, perhaps.

**I told you at the beginning that it won't be a typical "introduce yourself" post that you read from most people. I'm such a sore looser.

[I GAVE UP WHEN I NEEDED TO WORK HARDER, AND I LOST HOPE WHEN I NEED TO KEEP MY PATIENCE]

Ultimately, I made my life a joke. I acted without thinking. I lost by my nature (& foolish behaviours and irrationals decisions).

Yes. You can tell/curse/despise me on my foolishness if you want; I deserve all of it. You can laugh out loud so that I can hear you.

But I'm tried to change myself a bit by bit over the years. Maybe, I'm still naive, foolish and scum like before, but I won't give up like before.

I went to the opposite side of success every time. It ends now. Even though I've been on "the flip side of success till now.

Attention: I never wanted to share my (pathetic failures) with you like this, but maybe I became greedy and thought to relieve myself a bit.

Did I bore you too much? I'm extremely sorry. I apologise to you once again.