My story, my life, my pain

Why Im writing this today? I had a seazure yesterday and I just can get rid of this negative feelings, so I decided I need to share this story with you, maybe will help to me to calm down a little bit.

Staying positive is the most hard thing for me last years. Its so hard for me. Im a nerve wreck. Its scary and it makes me just crazy. I want to be me just like I was before epilepsy occurred. I was always so happy and positive. But with time everything went downhill. I discovered why is this happening to me now. My childhood was hard. I didn’t accept that and I was sure it wasn’t so bad. But with time and with growing older I discovered that my childhood was not so easy. We lived in the same house like my gradmother. My grandfather died and she started to drink. It wasn’t so obvious at the beginning, but with time it started to be very disturbing. She was always drunk and she was aggressive too. Screaming at night, smashing things and crying. We couldn’t sleep. There were constant fights between my parents and her. And than with time, my brother became sick. He's struggeling with the same disease as myself - Morbus Crohn. Since he was just a kid, my mom was always with him in hospitals and since there was no suitable doctor in our part of the country, they spent most of their time at the other end of the country, which is a little more advanced in terms of health. But because I went to school, I had to stay at home. Since we didn't have a lot of money, my father worked in other country, so that he earned at least some more money because my mother was without job, so that she could be with my brother. This meant that I stayed alone at home with a drunken grandmother many times. The aunts and my other grandmother took care of me, but that was not the same. My mum was mostly sad because she wanted to be with both, but unfortunately it wasn't possible. I know that she's still feeling awful because of that, but I wasn't mad at her, because she had to take care of my brother. But she was always scared for me, because she know, it's not possible to live with my grandmother anymore. After a while, it didn't work anymore. Because there were constant cops and ambulances at our house and it was much worse because she still didn't stop drinking. And then one night the police brought her home because they found her unconsciously in the middle of the road. We had to call the ambulance because she didn't respond. Of course, my mom set the ultimatum the next day. Whether she's going on treatment or we move out. And the grandmother decided to treat. I don't have to say what kind of relief it was for our family. 2 months to live without fear that grandmother will appear again in the middle of the night, threatening with a knife. Of course, we all hoped that she wouldn't start drinking again when she came home. And she didn't. Of course, it was once again difficult to offset good relations because we all felt a resentment towards her. But over time, our relationship improved.

I wasn't angry at all, I was just relieved. It is over. Maybe I wasn't angry because I had a lot of friends and I was always outside so a didn't put a lot of worry in this. I had a boyfriend a lot of friends and I was going to the school. My life was nice. I wasn't thinking a lot about what had happened in my past and I wasn't spending a lot of time with my brother because he was always in the hospital and at that time I didn't understand how sirius is his conditon. Just for info. He is my best friend now, and I still filling awful that I wasn't a sister which he deserved. But we are the best sister and brother now :)

And then with time, my life started to fall apart again. I accepted the first diagnosis. I'm having a disease for the rest of my life but I can live with that so I didn't burden myself with that. But then epilepsy came. I really tried to stay positive and I was pushing my feeling away from me. And it was working, for a little bit. I had these strange fillings all the time but I didn't put a lot of thought in that. But now, being home all the time, alone, my fellings came to surface. And this is changing my life now. I'm always scared, anxious and I think depressed too. I'm doing a lot to push these feelings away from me, but I learned I just need to accept that and do something about that. Maybe is my past that's driving me crazy? My grandmother apologized and I accepted that and our relationship is good now, but maybe is still something in me that makes my life hard now. I don't know.

I know that I have to accept these feelings and finally agree with my past and accept it, but I can't find a way. I collected the money so that I could afford a psychologist, but because I lost my job, this plan has currently failed. My husband would do everything for me, and that's why it's even more difficult for me to see that he would like to help me, but he can't.

I just want to be an old me again, when I wasn't burdened myself with feelings that if I go for a walk, something bad would happen. I would love to be happy, I would like to wake up with a feeling of happiness, not anxiety. I would like to become someone I want. I'd love to be healthy. I realize what's wrong with me, I realize that I have to accept these feelings and clear them, but unfortunately it's easier to talk than to do it.

I know what is wrong with me, but I just can't accept that.

The feeling of anxiety is very difficult to define, so this feeling is one of those that people understand the least. People feel anxiety when they judge that they are not coping with the life tasks they are facing. This means that they feel that they are not able to deal with their living conditions. In this sense, the anxiety is a kind of tramp before the whole life situation. This disorder is still a stigma; therefore, many who suffer from it, live a double life and try to hide the state of existential fragility in which they find themselves every single time, they don't speak to their loved ones either. But is liberating when we learn that we are not the only ones.

I know how to get rid of this feeling, but I just can't relax during yoga or meditation. I'm thinking too much. But I'm a fighter, and I will be fighting till this isn't over. And I know with time, will be all better and this filling will be gone. I just need to accept that and talk about that. And you know what? It helps that I'm writing about that. I was feeling awful this morning and then I started to write and the feeling was gone. Guys, I don't know if you're reading this or not, but is easier for me to just write and talk about that. I know distraction isn't enough but is something than just lying home and thinking how shity life I have. Because is not shity. I have a wonderful husband, amazing dog, the family that is always beside me and friend whom I can trust. So life is great, I just need to get rid of this aura that is following me. Be strong, be positive, be you, the real you! ❤

I love you guys and till the next time 🤗

With love, @tinabrezpike ❤