Tiptoeing around a fragile mind
Shhh. Quiet. Don't say a word. Or, if you do, be careful what you say.
Is there anyone that you feel you must choose your words for? I think that we all know people that we feel we need to either protect them or fear them. Some break down in tears at the smallest perceived slight, some erupt into a rage at the tiniest criticism and some withdraw into themselves like a wounded animal whenever corrected, or lash out like cobra backed into a corner.
So we tiptoe.
We say that these people are overly sensitive, even passionate but I disagree. If anything, they may be under-developed emotionally, immature. We watch our words with children in an attempt to keep them motivated or not damage their growing sense of self, to hold fears at bay and maintain a curious mind.
Children's minds. We try to keep them open so they can challenge what they know, question their world, discover new and build the skills to solve problems, create a life. We do it this way for they are inexperienced.
But that is not what we are doing with these adults. We fear them. We fear their reactions, their outbursts, their tears. We fear they will do something rash, even become violent or maybe harm themselves. We fear they may breakdown, never run again.
And we tiptoe.
It is not their emotions that cause this but an irrational mind, one that cannot gauge the power of communications, or the strength of their own response. Minds that cannot tolerate being wrong, embarrassment or negative feedback. Those that have no impulse control and no way to evaluate themselves. Minds that warp the world into one where they are always in the role of victim. Omit their persecutions.
Therefore we tiptoe.
We hold back our words and opinions, we hold back our fears and emotions. We hold back our questions and feedback. We hold back anything they could perceive as a threat, anything they could interpret as an attack. We hold it all back, we hold back ourselves.
We cannot be who we are for who we are offends, our ideas are inappropriate, our words weapons. Our dreams differ, our actions too. We cannot be honest, open. We cannot let them see who we are for who we are will not meet their every expectation. So, we hide ourselves away.
Softly tiptoe.
We create safe zones to protect them, build walls so they feel secure. We wrap them in cotton wool, pat them on the back for the slightest achievement and ignore their bad behaviour, gloss over the tantrums. We adjust everything and ourselves to their special needs and instruct others to do the same.
We give them power and position, status by default. We bow to their every whim as if they are emperors and in a way their are. Who gets such treatment but a petulant child born into privilege, never asked to mature?
Because we tiptoe.
When their backs are turned and their ears out of reach, we talk in hushed tones of their inconsistencies, their rage and depressions. We whisper at how they could be something great if only they could learn to control their emotions, control themselves. Words and understanding nods back and forth are exchanged.
But we tiptoe
If only they would look at themselves and see, the charade and disconnection, the fantasy they live, the concessions made, the soft gloves used. And, all of the pain they cause.
But we play a role also, we stunt their growth. How can they course correct if their compass steers false? How do they know the pain their actions cause when we support them so?
Should we tiptoe?
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
After growing up in a house with a psychopath, I developed a kind of reflex. If someone wants to be treated as an adult, all the while demanding deference for their delicate sensibilities, I tend to laugh, out loud, in their face. It's not simply to be mean, but I just can't take it seriously.
What is the general reaction to your approach?
No psychopath, in my home I was blessed with the company of narcissistic personality disorder.
When I was young it would depend on how fast I could duck. Since I've been an adult, it is usually met with retreat, not fear, just withdrawal. Many psychopaths don't like it when you can see them. When I was a kid I got knocked down a few times. If I'm going to laugh, I like to be ready for what might happen.
Attention seeking puppies that have been scolded.
I would suggest that you are more rounded, stronger person for it and probably hold a great deal of understanding across a wider spectrum than many.
I've thought that to be the case, but I often think of the many who went through similar experiences and did not survive. I almost did not.
well-written, some good reflections in this.
t'is a tough situation - and of course, each different with different people at different times. and there is no one answer.
sometimes, the wisest thing is tiptoeing - being gentle, compassionate, understanding, providing a person their space needed to come to their own realizations. other times, not speaking up a little - even though we know they're not gonna like it - becomes enabling for patterns that aren't healthy. challenge is, it's not always clear black or white.
thus, the value of maturity and wisdom, being able to discern the most appropriate choice for the time. and even then, we're bound to fuck up at some point, cuz there never is a clear right or wrong all the time. nonetheless, we stumble, fall, learn, get back up, and carry on, hopefully gaining some insight to handle it all better the next time...
This is what I hope. There is no clear right in these situation of course but defaulting to tiptoeing thoughtlessly is not compassionate either. It can be harmful in many ways to all.
Working towards understanding for all takes time and patience and true sensitivity.
Sometimes I feel I am the one people tiptoe around, because rarely do I tiptoe to make a situation easier for myself. I do if I think it can help someone suffering though.
No answers here. Lots of questions as is my way. Thank you for taking the time to read, think and comment. It is appreciated.
I enjoyed reading your post. Thank you. Sent me away to have a think, i'll return if i have something!
You are welcome. Please do come back if you have anything :)
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The attempt to make me famous and wealthy is appreciated.
More than probable my friend, although lunatic specimens rather have awkward & random schedules to sleep and wake up to let us know. ;)
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This post describes my life. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us live through every day!
Raised by a needy and volatile single mom, she told me on a regular basis to think before I spoke. The verbal consequences of a thoughtless word were anxiety provoking to say the least. I survived but became the enabler in all relationships, husbands and children included. I know I didn't do my children any favors by not telling them things they didn't want to hear as teenagers. We are in regular therapy now and I'm learning that NO is a complete sentence. I've met a wonderful man who encourages my on a daily basis to speak my mind. I'm going to share this piece with my son as his personality is like mine and we become stronger when we talk about our need to tiptoe and the consequences.
Well written! and yes it leaves us pondering about why we allow these people to continue and don't challenge them. I think for me. sometimes it's been worth the work (can be taxing) but more often t's been better (for me) to walk away,,,,
Thank you.
I may have walked away often too. Better and easier for me but then they become someone else's problem. What if I am better equipped to handle and cope than someone else?
Yes I agree, if it's a conscious 'choice' to be helpful without it taking it's toll on our well-being then I agree it's a healthy option. However, if the relationship starts to erode our sense of well being, then that's another matter. I personally have done both. As I have gotten older, I have decided my time on this earth is precious and I am more inclined to ask people to 'seek support for themselves' rather than 'be a primary source' of support. We live and learn, there is no wrong and right, we do what we can, and when we can't that's ok too :D