Simple Secrets to Happiness #4: Stop Complaining
If you’ve ever had one of “those” days, you understand that particular temptation to unleash the play-by-play to your closest friends and loved ones. Car problems. Work problems. Family problems. Finance problems and so on. And, being the good friends that they are, they normally validate your feelings. And you’d think all this venting might actually help you feel a little happier, but it doesn’t. Instead, your brain releases a stress hormone that inhibits clear thinking. AND, it does the same thing to the listener since they are normally powerless to help. Not good.
What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.
-Maya Angelou
What To Do Instead (The happier approach):
Take a No-Complaint Challenge. You can easily raise awareness of how much you complain by putting a visual cue on your wrist. Switch it from one wrist to the other each time you catch yourself complaining.
Don’t focus on the problem, come up with a solution. If you catch yourself complaining, transition your thought to find a happy resolution to your issues.
Follow up with a “BUT.” If you have a grumpy thought in your head regarding your life situation, try to include something positive. For instance, I might say, “With the kids in the pool so much, I have double the laundry to do!” I could follow up with a “BUT, I’m glad they’re getting dirty playing outside and not sitting behind a TV all day.”
Say “I GET to” instead of “I HAVE to.” I feel like I have to do most things in my day and find myself stuck in this mindset from time to time. Instead of “I HAVE to do dishes again.” I can say “I GET to do dishes with running water!” (Since I lived briefly where we had no water on site, this does mean something special to me.)
Use the phrase “Enough about that.” It can be hard to stop complaining once you get going, but as soon as you recognize it, stop and change subjects to something more positive.
Sounds simple right?
This actually will make a big difference in your day, and if you can master it, it will set you up for success with secret #5. Hint: It has something to do with gratitude. Gratitude linked with happiness, who knew? ;)
In case you missed it
Simple Secrets to Happiness #1: You Can’t Do It All (PLUS a giveaway)
Simple Secrets to Happiness #2: You Can’t Will Yourself to Be Happier
Simple Secrets to Happiness #3: Build the Right Habits
Until next time, @allforthegood
Classic. Love it!
This reminds me of the Bible verse in 2 Corinthians 10:5: "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,". I agree with @negativer that working out something verbally with a trusted individual is a healthy thing, but as you say, the way you phrase those things to the other person can not only color your perception but theirs and turn it into a cycle of complaining - which is no longer productive.
Yes, I think it's good to remember we will be disappointed and frustrated at times...we are feeling creatures, but we do have to take those thoughts captive and not let them rule over us.
Learning to not complain is sometimes difficult to maintain. Thank you for your advice. I find myself sometimes applying these, especially the "looking on the bright side" by applying the "but". @ironshield
I'm glad you found it helpful. I think it's a lifelong lesson, since in this world we will have trouble and we just have to keep refocusing on the positive, the potential solutions, and press on.
Amazing post! I'm grateful to have come across your post. I am now to study all of your Simple Secrets to Happiness posts. I'm sure to enjoy them.
I believe that all of your points can be summarized with the next statement:
And I don't say that to undermine anything you've said. The contrary is True. I wish only to emphasize it.
Through your points, you've shared with us beautiful "techniques" to do that very thing. To remove our attention from the bad and to place it on the GOOD.
Thank you very much for this most precious insights that you're offering to us.
Followed, upvoted and reestemed! Thanks. @CiprianG
Thank you so much! I have more in this series to go. I'm so glad it's encouraging for you. You are right, that's a good summary statement, and one to keep remembering to apply
You are so right! Being positive has a snowball effect and the more you practice it the faster the effect builds. Unfortunately the same is true with negativity. I especially like the "I GET to" idea. I haven't thought of that one!! Thanks for you amazing positivity and I wish you and yours great day :)
Your welcome! I only wish I was better at applying this, but I am not giving up. I GET to keep trying :)
Good info! Although it may sound corny, a good antidote to complaining is thankfulness. No matter what a person's situation is, there is ALWAYS someone with more to complain about. If I must complain, I take it to a higher level - to God in prayer. I find He is "big enough" to handle it and also that it's oddly satisfying to just lay whatever it is at His feet. I don't think of it as a first resort, but rather to count those blessings as a good place to start.
That's great advice. I was having a somewhat difficult morning and then the power went out and it's about 100 degrees outside. So I started praying. There are many many ways things can get worse. I didn't destroy anything and the power came back on. You better believe I was feeling suddenly thankful for something I took for granted!
All of this is good. I would say there's a fine line between complaining and 'working through the problem verbally'. Sometimes just speaking a problem aloud gives you the means to get perspective on it, and describing the problem to someone else (in a levelheaded manner, even if they don't give any feedback and just listen) makes you feel better afterwards, because you've now shared the burden of the problem with someone else. There's some value in having others understand what you're dealing with or angry about.
Absolutely. There are psychologists and therapists for a reason. I think the person on the other end partly has the power to make it a healthy thing or not. Their response can add more fuel to the fire, or they can encourage you and calm you.
You are totally right, I used to always complain but trying to stop this bad habit !!
Positive vibes on !!
Yup, definitely takes some conscious effort. Good for you, you're already on it!
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Thank you!