Tools to End Arguments Fast! #182

in happierpeople •  2 years ago 

How do we get out of a fight with our partner, family and friends fast? Will you hear the tools I use to end arguments because these might help you avoid hours of pain and frustration in relationships?

For having a happy marriage, feeling like a good husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, child and friend, I hope the viewpoint I share helps with getting out of a victim and perpetrator mindset to return to a happy space!

Tools to End Arguments Fast!


Would you like some tips to get out of an argument faster for the next time it comes up because these save me an incredible amount of pain and suffering in my relationship with my wife?

I'm very grateful that I have these tools today and I'm sharing them with you because they work really well for me. I know because I've been using them within the last 30 minutes.

Here's exactly how the tools work and why they work.

The tools work like this.

As soon as an argument comes up, I just had one a few minutes ago and I'll share it.

I often use more of a loose parenting style with my daughter in the sense that I trust her to essentially run around a bit further away from me. I trust her to get in other people's way and be a little bit more obnoxious than my wife does. My wife prefers more of a shorter leash, more hands-on control.

Today while we were walking down the street in the city in St. Petersburg I was managing my daughter while my wife was talking with her mother and sister. I was allowing my daughter to run as much as ten or fifteen feet away from us at two years old in the city, where she easily could then, if she kept running farther without stopping, have run into the street, and then potentially got hit by a car.

I trust my daughter to immediately respond to my voice, not to go out too far and I was pushing the comfort zone for my wife a lot. My wife got scared and upset because she sees that our daughter could easily just not listen for a moment, and then run out in front of a car.

Both of us having a valid point, both of us having valid fears and concerns. I have fears that if we raise our daughter with too much of a short leash, then she won't be very well prepared to go out into the world because she'll be conditioned into fear all the time. My wife obviously has a very logical fear of if, we don't keep our daughter close enough to us before she learns about things like running in front of cars that then she could get hit by a car and die, and not have a chance to even grow up.

Both of us have our right points and both of us have areas we are wrong. Now, having this view about it by itself is extremely helpful for any argument or situation coming up. I don't see that I'm a hundred percent right and the faster I can see that, the easier it is for me to start thinking, what do I need to understand about my wife's point of view right now?

When I start thinking about what I need to understand about her point of view, it starts disrupting the argument because this obviously was a very powerful force.

My wife asked, "Do we need to go home now?"

I came back with some reply like, "Don't you trust us?" or something like that, and then spent the next 10 or 20 minutes in uncomfortable painful silence.

What you see is something that works a lot better for us today than for my parents who used to get into screaming and shouting matches and who would drag arguments on for days, bring things up years later.

The first thing is to recognize that the painful event has happened, that there is separation. We are no longer on the same page, that it feels like there's a "my side" and a "her side." There's a perpetrator and a victim and more than likely in my wife's mind I'm the perpetrator and she's the victim, and then in my mind, I'm the victim and she's the perpetrator.

But sometimes we both agree and one of us feels both like the perpetrator, and both the other one feels like the victim. The key is with this is to realize that this is an undesirable painful state and what we want to do is return to a peaceful state and it will not happen as long as we keep judging and condemning and playing the victim. It will not happen unless we take a very conscious effort to exit the victim mode or exit the perpetrator mode.

What I do is use the line from the St. Francis prayer, "I seek to be understanding rather than understood."

You have to detect the argument immediately and have the honesty to say, "Okay, argument detected."

Now you might think, "That's really easy," but do this in the moment with a sense of impartiality. As soon as it's happened you go almost into an impartial third party point of view.

"Argument detected."

"Separation pain detected."

Then, instead of it being this personal thing, you're almost witnessing it between the two of you. You're not sitting there stuck in one body. Therefore, the first key thing upon recognizing it is to make a conscious effort to realize this is not how you want things to be, and then to start asking and praying.

I'll often say, "God help me remember I love my wife right now," as my mind is sitting there with thought after thought, "I can't believe she did this. How did she say that? She's wrong. She doesn't know what she's doing."

That energy is just overwhelming, and that one thought that goes out consciously created, "God help me remember I love my wife," disrupts all of that thought train.

I use another one, "God help me forgive my wife or forgive myself, or whoever is the perpetrator. I'll forgive them."

I also use this affirmation, "I am kind. I'm loving."

Throwing out an affirmation right in the middle of an argument works. None of this has to be done out loud, but it can be: "I am loving. I am kind."

This disrupts that thought pattern: "Oh my God. He did this, and then he said that. He said this and I can't believe he did that."

"God help me remember I'm loving."

"Oh, okay! Oh, this isn't a big deal, is it?"

Another thing that helps us to remember is that it's okay to be angry. The question is, do I want to stay angry?

Do I want to keep being angry for the next two hours?

I do not.

I'm sensitive, I don't want to be angry all day, it hurts to be angry.

Another tool that helps a lot is to just be quiet because when our minds are stuck in the state of pain we have two messed up things we want to do.

First, we want to further use our words to reinforce what's happened.

"Remember you said this and I can't believe you did that. You know you did this, this other time and I'm disgusted with this."

That always makes things worse.

I've learned not to do that by doing it a lot, by seeing my parents do it, by doing it in my relationships, and by seeing other couples do it. I don't want to do that.

Another thing that helps is not to use words to try to force the other person to stop. A lot of us have been trained that it's not okay to have emotions and feel.

Often if we're not going down the, "Oh my God. You did this, and you said that, and you are horrible," if we're not going down that path, often we choose the other path:

"Stop it! Quit! No! Come on!

It's not a big deal. All right, let's just move on."

That is trying to force the other person to stuff it essentially.

"Oh, come on, honey. It wasn't that big of a deal. Let's have fun, you know. Let's just forget about this."

That doesn't help either.

It only leads to maybe later that day a giant explosion at home and all the same things coming up anyway. It really helps to just shut the F. up, and that's what I did. I kept my mouth shut and it was hard because I wanted to talk, I wanted to tell my wife what I thought of her for having a different viewpoint than me. I wanted to tell my wife, "All right. Come on, it's fine. It's no big deal."

I wanted to prematurely also apologize, to just try to say how I'm sorry, to just force my wife essentially to move through things. These things tend not to help.

What does help is for me to have some isolation for a minute, some moments of silence. I shut my mouth and my wife didn't say anything either. We both just kept our mouths shut, endured the pain, went through for about 30 minutes, drove home and parked. My wife went across the street to her parents’ house. I came down in our house, I got down on my knees and prayed.

Now, it doesn't matter if you believe in anything in particular. If you've got a set of religions we can use those, if we are a specific religion we can use the tools of our religions. If we're not, we can simply use affirmations or nondenominational things, we can do whatever we want to.

I did what works for me, I got down on my knees and I said, "God help me remember I love my wife. Please help me stop doing this. Let me forget about all of this pain and misery. Let me forget about these resentments. Let me give these things up in favor of love, and peace, and joy."

Then, I said, "I'm sorry" to God.

If you don't like the word God just use the Universe instead, it works just the same. Or if you like the word Jesus or if you like something more specific like your ancestors use that. Anything you feel right using works.

I said, "God I'm sorry," because the baseline argument is with all of creation, and once you see that, it's not with any specific person, the baseline argument is all of creation.

"God, you made my wife and me like this and I don't like it."

That's the basic argument.

All these other arguments are kind of sub-arguments of the big argument. The big argument is with the entire universe, all of creation, everything.

"Well, how dare you make it like this? You screwed it all up."

The simple way is to just say that I'm sorry: "God, I'm sorry. Everything's just fine. Everything's good enough the way it is."

I was on my knees crying and I said, "God I'm sorry. Here I am again saying that you messed it all up. Thank you, God thank you. This world is nice just how it is. Thank you. I really like it. I appreciate it."

You can say this no matter how bad the external circumstances are.

One of the arguments that comes up for this is, what if you are bankrupt?

Or, what if someone just died?

It all is just the same, it's still a basic argument against the whole universe and all of creation, and the basic argument ends when you just say, "Okay. Everything's good enough how it is. I'll deal with it. I'm excited about the possibilities."

I did that, and then I started some affirmations.

So if you don't like the prayer and all that, then just start straight with these affirmations.

I did affirmation: "I am loving. I am kind."

I'm throwing this one in now: "I am a good husband. I'm a good father. I am worthy of love and acceptance."

These things smash up that mental train in the head that gets going: "Oh my God. He did this. But can you believe what he said? And then I said this, but then he said that, and then he did this, and then you said that…"

These affirmations and prayers smash all that up, they may cut huge holes in it. Most of these mental stories we make up are the core of an argument. My mental story that my wife doesn't trust me, and my wife's story of "He's going to get our daughter killed."

Affirmations and prayers break up those stories, and then you can see the falsehood in that.

My wife obviously trusts me or she wouldn't have agreed to let me supervise our daughter and obviously I'm not trying to get our daughter killed, which is why she's here. You can see from both points of view once you start these affirmations and prayers. I get some quiet time just to myself, even if I am in a restaurant, because then the argument will come up.

"Well, Jerry, I'm in a restaurant" or "I can't get some space to myself."

Go out to the car for a minute.

"What are people going to think?"

Who cares?

I promise you that people aren't going to think good if you're in pain and spewing a whole bunch of perpetrator or victim stories.

Now, maybe some people agree with you and hate, but that doesn't feel good, it actually feels worse.

You can do this, you can step off into the bathroom for a minute.

Go to the bathroom for a minute.

Get down on your knees on the nasty public bathroom and pray to God, or do some affirmations. These things work, I've done these in all kinds of places.

You can do it on the airplane.

Sometimes I just break down right where I'm at. I've had an argument with my wife at the Detroit Zoo one day. I made a video about that and I just cried right down in the middle of the Detroit Zoo. I went to the bathroom for a minute, then I came out of the bathroom and I held my wife's hand, and it was all over.

You don't have to have these arguments go on for hours, days, weeks or months. They can literally be snapped in just a few minutes.

I feel better now, even though just 30 minutes ago I was one big ball of pain and misery. I don't wear my emotions deep down very well, they're right on my sleeve. Everyone can see exactly how I feel and that forces me to deal with that because I'm utterly miserable to be around if I'm not dealing with my emotions.

I'd say that is the underlying thing that helps so much when we believe that we don't have to be in the middle of a miserable argument for hours, weeks, days, months, that every little fight in our marriage doesn't need to lead to divorce, that every little squabble with our child or parents, siblings, friends doesn't mean that's going to be the last time we talk with them.

When we believe that we have a chance to influence our situation and we take the little tiny actions we can like pray, like be quiet for a minute, and ask helpful questions like, "What do I need to understand about my wife's point of view to stop judging her?" that smashes up the whole little story that goes on in our minds.

Ultimately, if we want an argument to end, we've got to just get out of that story which is in our specific mind and see everyone else's point of view, because that's God's point of view or the universe's point of view, in my opinion.

When you see everyone's point of view, when we see from our point of view there is nothing to fight or argue about. There is nothing to be upset about and anything that remains, we can all essentially take action and agree, and go forward on that.

If we can handle our little squabbles in our lives, if we can handle our own little painful moments, then we have a chance to help out with the big issues. We have a chance to help out with the huge problems on Earth.

As long as we spend hours, weeks, days, months or years in our own arguments, as long as we're destroying our relationships with people around us, we have no chance to do any real good on bigger problems.

What I hope I've given here is a very clear set of tools that works very well for me that can work for you today.

I love you.

You're awesome.

I hope you've found this helpful.

Final words


I'm very grateful for the time you've spent reading this post, which was originally filmed as the video below.

If you found this post helpful on Steem, would you please upvote it and follow me because you will then be able to see more posts like this in your home feed?

Love,

Jerry Banfield with edits by @gmichelbkk on the transcript from @deniskj

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@jerrybanfield This is good advice, sadly too late for me. Having lost my fiancee to arguments that could have easily never happened, but because we are strong willed people, neither could or would back down.

We were together for 2.5 years. Due to marry in April 2017 and I had actually moved to the US from the UK, having sold everything I had to start a new life. We had lived on and off together for over a year and a half prior to that point and arguments were always an issue. Seeking counselling but getting poor advice. Sadly, 10 days before the wedding we had an enormous row, which lead us to not to speak and things broke down over days, with her throwing me out of the house, homeless and coming back to the UK to start again.

Arguments can be very hard to break, but love is hard to find and we loved each other very, very much. Sadly, our natures couldn't help us step away as easily as we would have both liked. I still wish I had the hindsight, that we had the hindsight to simply have stopped and realised how much we loved one another.

It doesn't matter who wins an argument, you both win if the argument ends and you end up back in each others arms. Don't forget that.

Amen Stu! Thank you for sharing your story with us here which I pray to remember if I find myself upset again with my wife!

Didn't quite understand the reason for snapshots till reaching the end😂 , and nice post as always. Happy to see that some steemit users are actually interested in promoting quality posts and developing steemit rather than being here just for making money.
It would be nice if you replied on some comments though, never saw a reply @jerrybanfield

Thank you for commenting about the screenshots @life-a-z and still continuing to comment even after I am guessing I have not replied to any of your other comments!

Well said Jerry...So true!!! Had a heated argument with my girl friend and it's amazing how applying this simple tool powerfully puts the situation under control. Thanks for sharing

Post of the day my bro.resteemed

Hey sir my best friend why so I called you the holy monk bcoz your ideas and style of mentoring on any problem or on any issue is awesome sometimes I get some good suggestion some time good business ideas and some time the tools to lock out the arguments, really awesome sir.
Thanks again.
Best wishes God bless you forever.

Friend this is not only the tool only but it's a key to get rid of easily efficiently and effectively yes he is a mentor.

You can support him by giving him witness vote as I did by visiting here https://steemit.com/~witnesses as he is paying 100% of it's profit to advertise Steemit in various platform like Google, Facebook and YouTube and I am personally giving him credit for the betterment of Steem coin price and community.

Yes Julia I am agree with that.

Thank you @oodeyaa!

My wife and I are going through some financial problems due to my having to go on disability and the house getting foreclosed on. So the arguments come way to often.I try not to fuel them but my first instinct is to come back with a zinger and she like me won't back down. I will be giving some of your insight a shot because I do in fact love my wife and hate that we argue.......

I could give you a trick I use which is not really a trick per say but it can save you from unecesarry arguments :)

When you notice someone (in this case, your wife) starts the argument just let her say what she has to say and when it's your turn to say something just tell her "I love you more than this argument" <-- which is true, right? Maybe give her an unexpected hug :) Usually, the other person calms down

Much love

E

@szuri that is outstanding a very helpful thought to think for sure!

Worth a try

@mrkstn1 we are all very happy to hear this and will be thinking of you!

"I seek to be understanding rather than understood."

@jerrybanfield I love that quote! In my experience, when you put out the energy of understanding...suddenly, you become understood!

A lot of what you wrote here reminded me of the book Non-Violent Communication. In that book the strategy is to identify your needs and your partner's needs so that you can find a solution that satisfies both needs in the best way possible.

In the end we're just trying to get our needs met, and when you begin to look at it like that - suddenly life gets a whole lot easier ;-)

Would love to hear your thoughts about my latest life experience!: I Vlogged For 7 Days Straight And This Is What I Learned About Myself

@axios thank you very much for recommending the book Non-Violent Communication which I just bought on Audible because of your recommendation!

Awesome @jerrybanfield! I know you'll love it based on the thought process you presented in this article. Looking forward to reading more of your blog - cheers!

Very important tools

Hi @jerrybanfield, the part that got me was when u were explaining when you allowed your daughter to run farther off you, and your wife seems to disagree with you.
I may deviate a little bit from the topic, because while i was reading through, my mind took me back to when i read a book related to what i'm about to share now.
We should all learn from an eagle's parenting, when the eaglet is about to initiate its first flight.
The mother will soar with the baby high up in the air, and allow the baby when she reach the highest altitude, but will guide the baby all through, but when she noticed the baby is about to hit the ground, she will pick the baby up again and continue the process, until the baby loose the fear to fly.

Beautiful sharing about the eagle training the babies to fly @yanga :)

Great points
Need to implement ,it will be a worth trying these set of tools.

As long as we spend hours, weeks, days, months or years in our own arguments, as long as we're destroying our relationships with people around us, we have no chance to do any real good on bigger problems.

Well said. thanks for the post it was a great reading.

Rahul thank you for reading and commenting!

This is all because you are so deserving .
So you don't need to be thankful.
Have a good day.

Small arguments lead to bigger problems...So,its good to end the arguments before they start!I Hope your writings will help me next time when i get into one :')
But i also think some sorts of arguments are necessary because sometimes they help us realise our mistakes...
Anyways,Thanks @jerrybanfield ....Your post are always great(Though very long XD)
~Regards

@satyamsharma yes!

But i also think some sorts of arguments are necessary because sometimes they help us realise our mistakes...

Great post as always @jerrybanfield. It is amazing how stepping away from a conflict or problem just to create the separation can help to ease mending the path to resolution. We need to make sure that not just us personally, but the other that we are in conflict with has the opportunity to heal or find resolution. I have been guilty so many times of falling on sword to avoid confrontation only to find that my actions only dealt greater harm further because I took the path that while placing blame on me, but I placed guilt on my wife for still being mad at me even though she had every right to be that way.

We need to make sure that not just us personally, but the other that we are in conflict with has the opportunity to heal or find resolution.

Definitely!

One keeps forgetting how to understand instead of making one point across and demand compliance. Thanks for this.

Thanx for sharing your tips. When I land up in such a situation first thing that comes to my mind is that by getting into toxic arguements I am only going to deplete my energy, which is not worth for anything, so eventually Let go is the best mantra and remedy

@nainaztengra wise thank you for sharing!

Thanks @jerrybanfield! I love how honest you are about your family interactions. We can all certainly relate to your little argument. And I commend you for bringing God into the situation thru prayer. It is certainly a powerful tool in achieving and maintaining peace in our lives and relationships. All the best!

Thank you Denise for joining the discord channel and continuing to help us with your comments on Steem!

very nice @jerrybanfield
I would say you can rationally argue with every one but with women especially if she is your wife, it is impossible... lol

lol yes Jazi!

lol

BRILLIANT Jerry!! Ultimately, if we want an argument to end, we've got to just get out of that story which is in our specific mind and see everyone else's point of view,

Exactly @annhoyblog thank you for reading and sharing!

As a person who takes care of his nephew, your approache to your daughter showed me a new and usefull perspective of parenting. Well job. And thanks @jerrybanfield
And also i want to say that; even if the sides are not on the same pages in an argument, when they realize they are still in same book , the argument could be solved in new chapter. and there wouldn't be ''my side'' and ''her side''.
....
good article, thanks again

Thank you @octobre!

I like your tools, Jerry. Perhaps if more people used them there wouldn't be so many unhappy families. Staying angry only makes things worse. Thanks for sharing these words of wisdom today, Jerry.

Hi Jerry, I love you too and you are more than awesome.
There is no perfect parenting and for some kids some rules are good for other not.
You are obviously a very logical, rational individual, but I personally love arguing. The more I argue the more the passion with my partner goes high, if you know what I mean.

@sandrina.life I understand and appreciate you sharing!

Parents know what is best for their kids. You"re a good father and nothing is wrong about it. As a parent, the most difficult responsibility is parenting the kids to avoid them growing up spoiled, fearful even in little things, and nurturing good characters. I've seen it to my parents and I salute all the parents in the world. I salute my parents for making me what I am now. Anyway Sir, in the family there is always an argument. Your wife is luckier because you know how to manage it. I remember your story that your child just cross the street without uncarefully. If happened to my little sister before. Thanks God that nothing happened. God is so good.

Yes I try to repeat thank God throughout each day to remember and appreciate your reminder here Shane!

I am with your wife it only takes seconds your child is still quite small. IMHO
I am overly protective some may think but I worked Pedi trauma.

@rebeccabe you are right as I have learned!

Another great post! @jerrybanfield.. My opinion for this :
Arguments in married life is normal but if we put God as our mediator he will surely help us guiding our way to the right path.

If home is to be filled with joy and peace, each must learn and be willing to give oneself!

One important tool also is the way of submission of words to your spouse. Submission means mutual respect and support for the loved one, the willingness to understand and say, " Your interests are abovr my own, because I love you."

That's it, i just want to share mine thanks for opening this kind of topic.
@jaycee7viral

Thank you @jaycee7viral I pray to keep what you have shared in mind!

In my life I take 100% responsibility for the care and comfort of my family and friends. I believe we are on the same page intellectually but maybe not quite in action. Thanks for the post Jerry!

You're welcome @brian-rhodes!

Thank you from those of us who need it 😂🙃😋 lovely post jerry

Thank you @kristyyd!

Always welcome love! 💜

Very deep my friend. We can all benefit from this great tool. Indeed the spirit of remembrance can help shift a conversation in one way or another. "God help me remember I love my XXXX"

Excelent post!! I like your way of thinking, follow me, I follow you. I always see your posts and I love them. An admirer of yours beautiful eyes.

Thank you @andreinacepeda!

Do you even read the comments?

Sometimes

Good to know.

  ·  2 years ago Reveal Comment

Cool post man

Thank you so much for this useful posts @jerrybanfield

Hoo nice post but can't able to understand...

Hi, pleas vote me im new in steemit and i want to be good statmans in future 🙂

useful information thanks

I am on the way! Still reading 😂

very importnate to understands emotions like true argu..

Good advice Jerry! I study the Enneagram in which there are 9 major types of personalities. We each type have a unique filter through which we see life, so basically each of us, all the time, is only seeing 1/9 of reality.

I like your approach in trying to understand your wife’s perspective as well as you own.

Ignore and Go ON, that's another good tool ✌️

Ahmednazar تعال

@ahmednazar تعال شوف هذا

I really mean a lot of beautiful babes, so everyone said you love

başarı dolu bir mesaj olmuş

Thanks for sharing, good article bro thanks .

😍A very informative post. Great job. Keep it up! 😍
OpenMusic Steemit Kiss.gif

Very informative content. Thanks for sharing.

thank you very much for your blog

Each post has a deep point. Thank you for your great support

thanx..

Lol nice post

Hi boss your blog post video awesome.really awesome sir.thanks again.Best wishes god bless you forever

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Really this post helpful on Steem...i like this post...

Congratulations @jerrybanfield!
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Oh !! Nice . very good.

  ·  2 years ago (edited)

A can of pepper spray can end arguments fast ;)

Good post, I am a photographer, it passes for my blog and sees my content, I hope that it should be of your taste, you have my vote :D greetings

very useful story!
i can understand your wife, mothers have such strong instincts and connections with kids, but fathers can think more logically and practically thats why their actions sometimes are more rational and useful.
were you in Russia?) how do you like it?)

Sometimes I just break down right where I'm at. I've had an argument with my wife at the Detroit Zoo one day. I made a video about that and I just cried right down in the middle of the Detroit Zoo. I went to the bathroom for a minute, then I came out of the bathroom and I held my wife's hand, and it was all over.

I love this <3

@Jerrybanfield. I prefer to meditate. when things get a little crazy and I need to think when things are a little out of hand with my significant other or even with my daughter or my ex husband. I take the time to meditate and think about what I want to say to them. I them relax from my meditation and I speak to them. I try to remain calm when talking to others. At times when I am worked up I do speak up and I usually am a very quiet person so it is rare that I speak up for myself. I have to really be worked up to talk and go over things. But I agree with you 100%. We all need to work on things together. Each parent feels and works differently then the other. One is always more hands on then the other. I have two daughters. I raised my first daughter until she was 10 with my ex but raised my 2nd daughter from 2 on my own. So I am used to making decisions on my own. I am seeing someone and He is a significant part of my life. I take into consideration what he has to say in things in my life and my daughters life. I have a 25 year old and a 15 year old. They are the lights of my life. Enjoy your wife and your daughter very much. Thanks for this post. I enjoyed what you had to say very much.

@jerrybanfield. Will you pray for me today? 😕
Thank you if you choose to...
~@bluerocktalk🖖

[email protected] I learnt a lot of how to end argument. In the country where i come from, even when you are wrong, you stil want to argue. The best way i stop argument is to just keep shut and stare at you even when am sure am very right just for peace and hapiness to occur.

Please follow back and like my post. Thank you very much @gigaa

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Please don't SPAM... take a look in this before hurting your reputation.

https://steemit.com/steemit/@miti/newcomers-minnows-and-spammers-this-post-will-save-your-reputation

just follow what @miti said spam here is not allowed