Haiku, image - Mizu no Oto Contest week #7
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Original by @f3nix
through the bare hall's mantelpiece
sound of scratching nails
dal camino in rovina
un suono d'unghie
Original by @f3nix
through the bare hall's mantelpiece
sound of scratching nails
dal camino in rovina
un suono d'unghie
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This post was submitted for curation by: @f3nix
This post was given a rating of: 0.9980941294201632
This post was voted: 79.95%
I really like both versions though your original is my favorite! Your first version had a great mood with the lament (along with a bit of cheekiness with 'dirge' also a name).
The second gave me a proper little shiver. (It was probably just a cat...right?) 😨😁
Thanks Bris ☺️ I should have kept the first..I did a mistake.
I'm editing, so I'll put the original version here below. Dirge was a perfect monosyllabic world: a lot of meaning for such short sound. I want it scarier tho. Thanks for your comment buddy.
Fall, crawling dusk -
through the bare hall's mantelpiece
the wind's dirge
No, it becomes now incoherent. I am against it ;-) pls forgive me. Besides, it was so good to have thought of both dirge and @dirge
Hahah well it's totally different I agree. Incoherent I wouldn't say.. actually it's two diff haikus. The first is more haiku than the second but not really. I wanted it scarier :-)
You had a real good thing in the first place.
😎
Smh 😂
Horrific! So the ghost of some former dweller of this ruined house has crossed the thin border between dead and living worlds and it's reliving with torment the times he was there
That's an idea, especially the part of crossing the border. I'd say that the border is being probed.
@f3nix Your poem well with image.
Scratching nails, I recorded that sound earlier this week ... thank goodness whatever it was did not make it through the wall. I am still a bit creeped out.
Thanks Becca for your comment!.. those could have been rats..or something else, who knows?
I had to translate it again in order to get the atmosphere.
Herbst, kriechende Dämmerung -
durch den Kaminsims der nackten Halle.
das Trauerlied des Windes
Haiku is like painting with little but determined strokes. Let go of ill determination but a strong and at the same time relaxed will to unfold the whole picture with as little material as possible.
What an art! It takes so much patience and contemplation to get it. I still do not dare to try.
As I am a little biased by the picture and other haikus I already read, still I will give you my emotions:
Sadness about formerly glorious times - strong opposites of images like dancing couples on a wooden shimmering floor. The warmth of the fire place, the crackling sounds of wood ... fine clothes worn by elegant people in velvet and silk ---- all the luxury: gone. Where music was formerly playing, now the wind is singing.
Oh wonderful! That's how haiku poetry is supposed to work.. It requires the interaction of the reader who resonates with the verses. That's the reason why ego, judgment and subjectivity has to be reduced or totally eliminated.
I'd say it's zen. Those strokes are part of the world of intuition, where for an ephemeral moment we forget of ourselves.
Thanks, we created together haiku poetry, writer and reader.
P.s.= I changed it.
Ah, yes - thank you for reminding me on that. Not only the haiku creator but the reader as well has to surrender and put the ego into it's place.
But the Zen turtle says: you shouldn't have changed the verses. They already created a sphere, a resonance and now you rob it off and all words and comments become meaningless ...
ts ts ts
You're right but I'm way far from the enlightment haha
So? Is that an excuse? ;-)
Isn't the same concept of enlightment a construct that pushes us away from it?
However, I want to see you writing a haiku now!
☝
smotch botch
needlework passion
passed by
grabbing shiny plastic
Troll in the forest -
Someone's else post is ideal
for mocking.
😂😂😉
This is a senryu.
What a vivid picture you have just painted with words.
Gave my best and well willed painting strokes to it! ;-)Thanks for lookin.
I could even feel the coldness of the dusk on my skin and clearly hear the halls. They are crying with the wind's howl.
Exactly, let's see what's inside this hollow home.. the ghosts of the past are just scared of life as much as we're
scared of them. I changed the official version though with a scarier one. Thanks for passing Val, my friend.
oh, well, I now let go of my controlling ego - lol
Oh, now it's nails. Definitely scarer :) The sadness was banished. Now the horror dwells.
If it wasn't a contest where you've to submit one, I'd have posted both. But it's Halloween, time for a different mood! You understood me 😉
Yay, another test for a bot. Sorry about this. Enjoy the upvote though.
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