You There! How Would You Like to Get Paid to Read My Shit Today?

in funny •  9 months ago

Or maybe you want to get paid to look at someone else's shit?
It doesn't matter!

The point is:
You get paid.  Simple.

Stop.jpeg

Hello. My name is Mr. Himself and I will be your educator today.

And No

This isn't some kind of bullshit online scam.

Are you one of these useless kids we've all heard about who can't stop looking at their phone?

Do you just sit on your ass all day doing fuck all nothing but watch other people play video games on a live stream because you don't have any friends and that kid with the headset in front of the camera who said hi to you once in chat seems like someone awesome that you'd like to hang out with someday but your mom doesn't let you leave the basement because it's too dangerous outside?

Is the Playstation 3 that man gave to you, so you stay quiet about him and your mom, collecting dust because nobody plays that piece of shit anymore?

Are you sick of your mom telling you to go get a job and stop stealing cash from that box under the bed where she keeps the weed?

If the answer is: Fuck yeah just kill me already...

You've come to the right place!

Welcome to Steemit.com or whatever app you used to be able to view this article today.

We here at Steemit.com produce only the finest quality blog posts, vlogs, game streams, music, and whatever the fuck else you can think of, for you: The Content Consumer

We do things a little bit differently around here though.  I call it: The Better Way

Have you ever noticed:

You can't seem to be able to buy cheeseburgers with those likes you get on Facebook?

I have.

Every time I want a cheeseburger, I have to give those assholes money or they kick me out and call the police.

That's bullshit!

I was all like:

Don't you know who I am!  I have 100 followers you know!  They're going hear about this!

But it never seems to matter.  No money, no burger.  That's the rules.

Around here though, people vote.

It's just like a like!

And those votes pay assholes like me and everyone else who produces some shit for you people to feast your eyes upon all day and all night.

But that's not all they do!

Up to 25% of our rewards for working our asses off get split up and go to you slouches for doing nothing but pushing a goddamn button!  Isn't that exciting?!  I think it is.

Just think of all those times you saw that chick you stalk on Facebook post another selfie of herself standing in the bathroom where nobody can see her acting promiscuous for the camera.  You hit the like button everyday for eight years!  You left cringy-ass comments three times per day and...

Nothing but friendzone!

Now just imagine if you would have got paid a little bit here and there for those efforts.

You'd want to be the biggest prowler on Facebook!  You'd love everyone and laugh your way all the way to the bank!

So what if she doesn't like you!  You're driving a used Civic now with an awesome wing on the back!

And all those streamers and youtubers you love so much...

What did they ever give you besides an opportunity to buy their shit merchandise?

Nothing!

They want you to sit there all day and soak up their drivel for nothing!  Those bastards!

We got people strumming guitars and singing awesome songs.  You can help pay them with a push of a button, it costs you nothing, you earn a tiny piece of the pie, it adds up and before you know it you're not telling dad you lost the change after he sent you to the store for cigarettes and milk because you have your own money now!

We even tip you little fuckers a few dimes for leaving a daily comment on our blog!  When was the last time a Youtuber even read your comment?  Huh!  Huh!  Never!  And here we are sharing the wealth to all those who choose to participate.  Say something to me that doesn't sound fake and depressing and you're damn right I'll hook you up!  If you don't believe me, fuck you, go check my previous posts and look for yourself.

"A Lousy Dime?"

"What kind of sick joke is this?  I deserve millions of dollars for doing nothing and I want it now!"

Ahh shut up your mouth with those entitlement issues!

You get paid in glorious cyrptocurrency.  The more you grind like you're playing one of your favorite video games, the more value gets added to your wallet.  Let it build up over time.  The more you have in there in the form of Steem Power, the more you'll earn after hitting that vote button.  Simple!

Then, since cryptocurrency likes to be volatile, you'll have the chance to take advantage of a spike in the market value of your tokens.  What was once a dime could then be worth a dollar and you can finally treat yourself to the all weekend bender of your dreams.

If you want to earn more in a shorter period of time, why not try your hand at publishing your own work?  Create a meme, do some vlogs, write a shit post, open up MS Paint and scribble out a picture and pretend to be an artist; anything you want, it doesn't matter!  Someone might like it and hook you up with a vote or two.  Some work for five years on Youtube and never see a dime, you could produce a vine and see a buck in no time!

Tell your mom to sign up!

Then maybe you'll finally have food in the fridge!

Are you getting sick and tired of listening to your parents fight about Facebook politics and flame wars that naturally occur in that sad state of social media?

Then tell them to shut the fuck up and stop wasting their time.  Dad could come here and show us pictures of his man cave and drinking problem while your mom knits quilts or whatever the hell women do these days.  People love that shit and it'll bring the family closer together!

Plus I'll finally get another chance to say:

helpedmom.jpeg

That's right!
I helped your mom!



So what are you waiting for?!?!

Sign up today!

Start reading my shit and getting paid!

It might take a few days for your account to be approved but fucking relax!  You somehow managed to live this long so I'm sure a few more days won't kill you.

P.S. Don't listen to those people who say this place sucks.  It's new, it's not perfect, we're trying our best here and those people can kiss my ass!

Ciao!

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Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
"No, I am not an official representative of anything."
Don't forget to vote or you won't get paid!
Share this with all of your friends so they can get paid! Resteem! Something! Anything!

Images © 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
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hahah

i actually asked my mom to sign up ... asked her to do "one recipe a week" ... i'd do the typing and the photos, she just had to cook like she does anyway

but she didnt wanna :)

its just not for everyone, and when you say "crypto" a lot of people think "dreughs and lambos"

these things take time

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There's something for everyone. Plenty of people could attempt to monetize their daily activities here. I've seen people take photos and talk about the food and drinks they had at the bar, which ended up paying for part of their bar tab. Why not!

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ive seen people write three hour posts and get like 5 cents too ... its not a given

Fairly unrelated

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You know what? That clip almost ruined cheeseburgers for me many years ago. Every time I think about cheeseburgers, I think about that movie scene, and laugh every fucking time! LOL!

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I quote so many random parts of that movie on a daily basis. But yeah, I hear or see cheeseburgers I also think of that nasty brown bag and blow jobs.

Holy cow dude you tip a whole dime? Those basement dwellers better get over here and start snatching up some "likes" When I arrived the going rate wasn't even a whole penny.
I actually know a couple people who fall right into your target audience for this one. Maybe I should send them on over they are missing out on a great introductory offer here. Besides saving up for that weekend bender is a noble goal.

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A whole dime. It would probably be more but I have to save some to vote for posts as well.

Besides saving up for that weekend bender is a noble goal.

Well yeah and we certainly don't want to see the bender go extinct.

I wish I could take those useless kids who stare at their phones and put them to work on steemit. My niece spends hours watching youtube "texting stories" aka videos on nothing but text messages you read that tell a story. It's terrible. So far every person I've told to get off facebook and join steemit has tanked. Even got several signed up for steemit but they gave up or never tried more than a few posts. Such a shame. Meanwhile I've done really great here.

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Yeah I've convinced quite a few people to sign up and most don't last long. Some don't even get started. I know one lost his password within a week... LOL... ugh.

I see where you’re going with this... This is the start of the nonameslefttouse Steemit Marketing campaign! You’ve decided to be proactive, to take matters in your own hands! You’re going to be the One that pulls steemit from the shadows and bring it to the world stage!

Bravo, nonames! Kudos and throwing a sprinkle of loveheart confetti at you! You’re going to single-handedly save this platform!

I will support and cheer you on 1000% . I like the script too. Can we assume you’ll be the next “Jerry”, only more lovable? So many gave him an awful time and I never knew why it got so nasty and so personal. But don’t worry, if anyone laughs at you or bothers you. Just tell me their steemit ID. I have this creepy magic doll I can stick pins into.

When will the DLive & YouTube vid be published?
Have you got a steemit costume?
Hair and make up?
Professional lighting and sound?
This is really exciting!

Anyway, very sweet of you to help out all the Moms. Not so freaky, I think...My mother is rather eccentric.

I already said I was reading your ‘shit’!

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I actually did a similar 'marketing campaign' over a year ago. Same tone, just having fun, being honest, no confusing technical talk. I didn't trend that day either LOL! ...but the outside world seemed to enjoy the message because it was passed around social media for a few weeks after.

And no I'm not going to be pulling a Jerry.

No videos, though I do have one I've been meaning to share. I found a unicorn one day and recorded, but I was wearing my house clothes and well, you know, people expect perfection which I could not provide so I've been quite hesitant on sharing that exclusive grainy footage.

I am a motherhelper.

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As a mother, I can confirm a motherhelper is the best kind of mother love. We can never be helped enough. :P

And what are you waiting for? I was lead to believe the opinion of others doesn’t stop you being original, cavalier, a wonder to behold! I think it’s poor to tease us with your amazing find, only to get coy about your house clothes. Really? Up until recently, I’d always assumed you didn’t wear any! At least your modesty is protected. So what your clothing is unkempt, ill-fitting, unflattering or dirty. You’re a ‘writer’, my expectation wasn’t high to begin with. Besides, you forget you’re competing against a mythical creature... Upload!

Need to get off this and get a life. There’s quite a few unicorns living at my place. But like Toy Story, they only come to life when we’re not around. Quite the nuisance that.

Ps: I hope you captured this unicorn in your art too..

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I sometimes wear clothes. I guess it all depends on what I'm doing. Unicorn hunting requires clothes. Other unicorn hunters might laugh at my garb because it's not brand name unicorn hunting gear like they all have. Wouldn't want to be the laughingstock of the community. That's not a real unicorn. I can tell by the hat he's wearing, they'll say.

P.S. Don't listen to those people who say this place sucks. It's new, it's not perfect, we're trying our best here and those people can kiss my ass!

This place rocks actually. Getting paid to be entertained, to learn, to meet some cool people all while having the possibility to see ones investment (if one makes one monetarily) grow. And sharing things we know with others who appreciate it.

I mentioned in another comment about one of the first posts I read on here, from a young man in Africa. He was so happy because his earnings here had allowed him to buy a new pair of shoes and eat in a restaurant. Things many take for granted and he felt he was blessed. The opportunity not just for making money, but making a difference for someone else is here for those who can see it.

Glad to see you writing. You are as gifted at writing as you are with your art and found myself laughing a few times as I read this.

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I'm with you there, I respect what you said. Though I don't consider the place to be a charity (it's many things that can include charity) and personally prefer to see people earning their keep and would like to see it stay that way, I do know that these small tips and tokens of appreciation can change someone's life for the better, especially in places where earning money isn't something majority can achieve. I love that part about this place, and people don't need to beg (yet some still do for some strange reason). It's much like busking without the police entering the scene to tell everyone that singing or talking or creating art or writing a story for money isn't allowed. Talent from all over the world can publish without needing connections and the high overhead costs. It's truly revolutionary, and it's not even close to reaching it's full potential yet.

Thanks for laughing at that! It's always a challenge getting a laugh out of the written word, so I'm happy to hear this was funny. I don't really know until people laugh.

Do you watch other people play video games on a live stream because you don't have any friends and that kid with the headset in front of the camera who said hi to you once in chat seems like someone awesome that you'd like to hang out

Hey I fucking live stream and I'm fucking awesome, you all will be graced if I say HI.

Can you read my tea leaves now? I want to know if I will ever pull off that 500 Meter single slide I have wasted 9 + hours streaming trying to achieve.

And don't you ever help my mom again, just fuck her like a man you dork. She will make you a hamburger afterward, duh!

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Yes, I know you live stream, and I think it would be great if your audience grew because they realized they were actually getting rewarded to be there instead of just wasting their lives listening to other streamers ask for donations while the consumer gets nothing. Right!

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What kind of dirtbag would ask for stream donations?

I even give out prizes during mine to people who chat with me.

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You didn't want a free hamburger anymore, lol.

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Shit. Were you giving out free burgers on your stream and I missed it?

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You'll have to come chat to find out...............lol

"Ya but it sounds like a scam... Where does the money even come from?" - All those people on YouTube and Facebook and Twitter etc.. not earning anything for their content.

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"Ya but I've been using Steemit for three days and I'm not rich yet so I quit."
Says everyone who found this place through those fake-ass "get rich quick" advertisers on the trending page and Youtube.

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Those guys only make "money" because they constantly power down and fuck the rest of the community........It just makes me feel not dirty to know I am not like those pieces of shit you speak of.

Oh man, I've read all your Shit today. I'm already on my way to the bank, I hope you will make a couple of dime available before I get to the bank. And btw, if you ever see mark, tell him he can sell my fb accounts.

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I'll let him know, right after I use his product to spam this post around. It's not the worst thing in the world, it's just toxic and doesn't pay.

Billy Mays would have been proud of this pitch.

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It's like the Shamwow guy on crack once the camera stops rolling.

You nailed it mate.
I must confess the caption got me but the content was the hit
And lol you were a bit vulgar with the words but some shit-holes need to hear this, and its so fucking ReStEEmeD.

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It's funny vulgar not anger vulgar. Some folks don't know the difference but whatever, I'm just having fun. The headline should have been enough to scare those folks away anyway so I think I'm safe. Thanks for the resteem! I appreciate it.

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Tis true. Anger vulgar takes a nasty turn using the same words, and I want to run away. I'm still here so this must be funny vulgar.

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@ginnyannette hahaha, it sure is.....

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I wonder if people on Facebook do think that folks over here are mostly like PlayStation-boy. I posted a couple of the things I wrote here on Facebook - after the first time it was kind of an experiment. Either Facebook buried them, or my Facebook cronies were freaked out. We don't need those silly people here anyway :)

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Those crazy types won't come, which is good. I've shared my work there as well. The best trick is to write a normal status message, then post the link to your post here in the comment below that.

Love the rant! You got a resteem and a measly upvote!

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Thanks for doing that though! It all adds up.

love it, it had all the italics and bold text of an old school sales letter with all the snarkyness and angst that only a millennial could achieve.

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This place needs the young crowd. It gets marketed to nearly everyone but them. We need more content consumers content with just enjoying stuff and making a few rewards.

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we need to make a commercial with two casually dressed dudes offering some sort of an app or subscription service that they promise is much better than whatever the establishment option is. They are just going to sit in their open concept office space and say how they are totally disrupting the market at great personal risk to themselves.

Haha..I just upvoted and I will ask to not give me the share...
Just go easy on me here :)
Your really on some killer mood today..

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Too bad! Nearly everyone deserves something for stopping in. I've run my blog this way for well over a year and I enjoy it. As for Mr. Himself up there, well, I used to stay in character and respond to comments, still do it sometimes, but it usually freaks people out, so I stopped HA!

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Yeah I am sure it does...
As for your name I have never seen a more unique name than this :)
Love it...haha...

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A lot of folks compliment the name. That's cool. I had no idea when I created it that people would like it.

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I am sure you tried some names and it did not accept and then you came up with this :)

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The name and his posts titles!!!

One hell of a fella, I would not trade his brain for a million Steempower.

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Yes haha..I just hope he goes easy on me whenever I comment :)

Laughing over my coffee this morning....

I hope you shared it outside of Steemit too.

I have two needing to stop and wake up right here on the homestead.

Thanks!

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Be careful drinking something around my blog. I've heard stories of people spilling and liquids getting sprayed around, sticky keyboards, all that fun stuff.

It'll get shared around and hopefully some others play pass it on as well.

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Your warning got me digging deeper... Following now and liking your style.

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Some days I go nuts, some days I just chill, most days I just do whatever and it's all in good fun. Thanks a lot for having a look and following along! I appreciate it.

Brutally honest and straight from the hip. I love it! It's everything that today's media and advertising is not.

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Its true and they don't teach this at any point during those expensive "How to do things on the internet" videos either. That watered down bullshit fake ass mainstream happy-happy nonsense pisses people off while these honest ads get millions of views. Hopefully people share it though.

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The mainstream news is amazingly bad. They should spend their money on reporters instead of multiple anchors and pundits who spin everything.

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hahaha That's great!

That is an awesome rant/pep-talk/get-up or shut-up post. There are a ton of people out there that need to see that. It gets a resteem as well, not that I have any followers or that my upvote counts more than .0001 but hey it's the thought that counts right.... lol Plus I voted at like 2 minutes so you get the whole .0001

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You won't see me complaining about someone coming here to enjoy this stuff and support my efforts. And look! Eleven whole cents to help boost your low curation rewards for leaving a comment. Just like that! Magic! LOL!

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It wasn't too much work for either of us. Comments were what got me started, I had a half smart-aleck comment on a post and a whale hit it for like $17. I was like, wait, what? That's insane. Hasn't happened since but now it's more community, connecting, and fun.

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What this place really needs now though is hoards of people willing to come and just enjoy the show, push the button. Everyone here is dying for an audience. 1000 incoming small votes that so many think are worthless would be fricking awesome right now, plus those people are still earning something. Way more than anywhere else even if it's not $100 per day.

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I would tend to agree, but I don't think it's going to happen without some work on the steemit program and the registration system at least. Not to mention we probably need a few enforceable rules. There is a lot of crazy crap that goes on here. Of course, you have that on every platform, it's just that most platforms who wins or who is right is not typically judged by who has more steem. Most people are not used to that type of approach. I just try to stear clear of all of the drama, and do my thing. I do have at least 4 people I've invited, still waiting on their accounts at the moment.

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Every platform has fake accounts, dead accounts, people using multiple accounts, that's true.

who wins or who is right is not typically judged by who has more steem.

The thing about that is: I started with nothing, I'm still the same guy I was when I had nothing, so I don't see why my credibility should be diminished now, just because I have more STEEM in my account. This was an opportunity for me, it required a solid effort to achieve, I didn't cheat, played on the same field as everyone else. I reap what I sow and so can everyone else. It's there for them just as much as it was for me.

I often see people cash out, then complain about their low value votes and things like that, but it's their fault. If they truly wanted a higher valued vote and more say, they wouldn't have cashed out. I feel the stake based system is quite fair. It's not perfect, there are flaws, but it does work.

Changes to the account creation process are on the horizon. Those updates should be coming within the next few months, hopefully. Can't have it now, because these things take time to engineer and test.

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Well I landed here because I saw your resteem.

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Cool, I guess every little bit helps. A large chunk of my followers are bots, which I don't actually understand the purpose of but it makes my numbers look a little better.
It is starting to grow little by little.

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For sure! Bit by bit is the only way to look at it if you are into organic growth. Also building connection for me comes from all over the place. I found you in the #payitforward. Then found this blog, which will lead to more clicks.
I pay the bots no mind. I don't use any (except dustsweeper) but am finding that some like gentlebot are pretty nice.

In my opinion Steemit is by far the best platform for creators to post on, youtube and facebook suck.

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With Facebook we have friends. This place is friends with benefits. It's no Facebook replacement by any means but it does the trick.

This is pure gold, all the way from the basement talk through the "helped" my mom...

Trying to get people in here is hard, everyone is too brainwashed with the fiat mentality, only believe in central banks and think this is a scam... getting 10 cent by leaving a comment is hard to grasp...and the stupid vote bots dont make it any easier, people getting 700 bucks for leaving a picture

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It seems to be a bit much for some folks and you're right, the $700 fake trending posts are some of the worst publicity this place can get. See fake from the start, think fake until the end. This approach is was fun and it's realistic. Nobody is getting rich, but it does pay people, and it does add up.

What a wonderful way of saying - steem, I love you.
You're a great bastard! I like that!

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Thanks. You get eleven cents for calling me a bastard LOL!

Tell it like it is man! Awesome work.

Do you mind if I Tipp-Ex out your name and put mine before I resteem it to my 11 facebook friends?

Quite funny actually!

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I can only agree with you. Here: have eleven cents for laughing today.

I just love your honesty as you express yourself. This has made my day.

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Just having some fun here writing up an advertisement I can pass around social media for a couple of months. Maybe grow my following and attract some like-minded types to the platform.

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Haha and I have to say that it's an awesome advertisement xD
I have to try buy some cheeseburgers with my fb likes hahaha
And I hope that your post will attract many crazy ppl who like this xD
This post even deserves a double upvote haha

Posted using Partiko Android

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It would be nice to have a few more nutjobs here. Some days I feel so lonely LOL!

Honest advertising always works. I did a post like this awhile back and that one spread around to a few thousand, so that's good. Hopefully people are kind enough to share it, but it's quiet today.

Thanks for coming!

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Yeah. Thanks so much

This got to be your best post of all time, very well written!

Found you on an @linnyplant recommendation. You're crazy. I like that.

I only came across one flaw in your article, "a tiny piece of the pie", a fraction of a penny is not tiny it's minuscule. I might, I said might, stand a chance convincing people they could earn a penny for a good comment but when I'd have to place it in this context not so much: You can earn a fraction of a penny, if you are lucky enough to get four votes that fraction turns into a whole penny, if you don't get enough votes to turn it into a whole penny it turns to dust but don't worry you can join dust sweepers who'll swoop in and turn that fraction of a penny into a whole penny for you. All's you have to do is send them a dollar which they'll match so it's like getting your dollar back in a sense just that they don't physically give it back to you they use it to help you not turn to dust. When your dollar and their dollar contribution runs out they will notify you when to send another dollar that they'll match. At that point I get thrown down the basement, the door slammed shut and locked and I am fed intravenously through a tube inserted into the key hole.

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Yes, @sunlit7, I know you don't like the place and had a feeling you'd come along with your consistently negative attitude and attempt to downplay the word tiny even further.

I might, I said might, stand a chance convincing people they could earn a penny for a good comment but when I'd have to place it in this context not so much: You can earn a fraction of a penny, if you are lucky enough to get four votes....blah blah blah

LOL! Okay, sorry for laughing but why would I have to convince anyone of anything when they can simply look around and observe the total of $3.00 I've handed out so far already within this comment section alone and the hundreds of dollars I've passed around in the comments since I've been here? Good luck attempting to convince people that money isn't there LOL!

Honesty is the best policy . You honesty any work obiusly success in life . But i just love your honesty .

Thanks for sharing @nonameslefttouse

Found your blog on an @linnyplant recommendation. You're crazy. I like that.

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