Why I'll Never Go To That Bohemian Grove Party Ever Again (Mature! Reader discretion advised!)
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They Told Me to Keep It Quiet
"Not a peep."
This is writing though. It's not loud at all.
They put me in my own private jet last year. It was a bumpy ride. If I wanted something to drink I had to get up and get it myself.
It was like a flying hotel room complete with one of those little forbidden refrigerators. I didn't know if I was supposed to pay for that stuff so I took one bottle of water, drained about a dozen of those little vodka bottles into my mouth; then I filled those little bottles with water, and put them back in the fridge. Some asshole is probably flying around now, wondering why he's not drunk. That's my fault. I don't care though.
That Was a Six Hour Flight
I was still drunk when I got off the plane.
I forgot about taking my pants off so I had to run back inside the jet and look for them. Couldn't find the damn things. They were gone.
I blame that pilot to this day. He's probably still wearing my pants somewhere. They shouldn't let people like that board planes. Damn terrorists.
I made up for lost time at airport security.
They asked me to strip down, I was already half way there.
I didn't shove any guns up my ass this time but that didn't stop that big lesbian from waving her magic wand around and giving my balls cancer. Then they pushed me over to the next station and dumped the contents of my bag everywhere.
As they were rummaging through everything, looking for the cocaine I had up my ass; I reached in for some pants and that big lesbian slapped my hand. It was the first time someone ever hit me that hard. It was traumatizing and now every time I go on a date with the Palm sisters, I'm reminded of that big lesbian and it kills the mood.
Code Name:
Bumfuzzled
I finally found the driver holding up the sign that read, "Mr. Bumfuzzled."
That was my ride. I asked him, "What kind of limo is this?" He laughed and said all the good ones were taken so I had to park my ass inside the back of an early 80's Pontiac Parisienne. It was comfortable but I didn't know if the crusty stains on the upholstery were baby puke or some dude's happy ending. That stuff was everywhere and stood out like stars in the night sky. Out of boredom, I started looking for constellations.
I don't have much to say about the hotel room.
I did the vodka trick again, then passed out.
I woke up with a nasty headache and heard something hit the floor.
It was a box. Someone was in my room while I slept. Those little signs we all hang on the doorknob do not work.
I opened the box. All that was inside was my robe, another one of those tiny bottles of vodka, a clip-on name badge and a note that said:
Your ride will be out back waiting for you at six o'clock. Do not put on your robe and name badge until you exit the vehicle. Make sure nobody is following you.
The only people following me were you people.
I trust you'll keep your yaps shut.
So whatever. I got there, put on my fancy robe, chugged the vodka, clipped on my name badge, then walked up to a crowd of people.
The first guy I see is Alex freakin' Jones.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not get rid of that fucking guy. The entire night his mouth is going off like a machine gun. Total cockblock, too. That dude has no idea how annoying he is.
Some say it's all an act. Well they never met him! King fucking douche bag. And he keeps bringing me these cloudy red beers. "That's real goat blood in there! Makes you feel like a real man! Puts hair on your chest!" And the next thing you know, he's got his robe off, standing there with his dick out, pulling on his chest hair and making these fucked up ape sounds.
Then Kanye walks up with his massive cock and starts plowing Alex Jones up the ass!
Alex was still talking the whole time!
Then the music started.
Now Alex Jones is yelling and laughing about having the new world order up his ass the entire time and he wasn't lying because they started running a train on that man.
Then Donald Trump ripped off his toupee and wedged it in between his butt cheeks so it looks like a tail. The next thing you know he's prancing around the bonfire yelling:
I'm a fox! I'm a fox! Help me! I'm a fox!
Then Zuckerberg comes flying out of the bushes wearing only a cape and a three foot long strap on dildo. He's got the Steem logo carved into his chest, blood everywhere, and he's all like:
I'll save you!
And the next thing you know, Donald Trump is trying to cough up his toupee hairball that no doubt got rammed all the way up into the back of his throat from what Zuckerberg kept referring to as, Kim's Rocket.
Then I remembered I still had cocaine up my ass.
There was no way in hell I was going to let these maniacs ruin my party.
So I ran outta there as fast I could, all the way back to my hotel.
And I am never, ever, going back to that place again.
Screw that!
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.....I'm speechless NN.... and I have always thought the needle and nose is the best way to cocaine....surely you have proved that the ass is now king!
Have you ever heard of the Aristocrats joke? I thought about pushing this even further, then reconsidered.
there is the smack of truth in this that makes it all the more fun. i can totally picture kanye fucking a goat while a disabled middle eastern child cries for milk.
Your mind likes to wander. Mine does as well but I don't think it can go that far. LOL!
A wandering mind, does not bother unless it touches something special. then, much like a priest in an orphanage, it touches as much as possible.
have called in the cavalry... this drug mule will be getting some love it rightfully deserves
Thanks a lot. I'm glad I stayed awake now. It was crickets here for a long time. I better get off this crazy contraption though. Thanks again.
❤️️❤️️❤️️Muuuaaah 😘 this is why we love the
filthyspiritual journeyful brain of yours! ❤️️❤️️❤️️You're welcome!
And thank you for the opportunity. I truly appreciate what you folks are doing for this place.
Nothing quite like ass cocain to motivate a man. This fear and loathing moment was brought to you by.... Butt snorts ‘R’ us. Do it for the kids... they are the future.
Haha, that's some party.
"As they were rummaging through everything, looking for the cocaine I had up my ass"
I woke my wife up when I snorted at this.
Brilliant. So much funny.
Don't worry. I won't tell her about us.
I was reading on the commute train.
I was laughing.
Now I have this song stuck in my brains because of you!!!
And a weird red multiple-penis monster smiling in my face (I guess this post is considered a great success).
nice infomation sir
I almost kept going. I thought about dragging this thing out for another 1000 words. Had a strange feeling my nice information would be meeting the crickets, so I stopped. I sat here for nearly two hours, afraid to look at Steemit. I was nice enough to put in a warning this time, then I started thinking maybe I should delete that because maybe it's scaring people away.
I think I'll just throw this post into my WTF moments pile and pretend it didn't happen! LOL...
Thanks for laughing!
Haha! You sound like me whenever I text whiney messages to my boyfriend: Go offline and pretend you're dead. Go online after an hour and act like nothing happened.
Steemit is different. You can pretend but the blockchain will always know!!! :P
Damn, you and vodka are just something else
Unfortunately, I wrote this sober. I... don't know what to say.
😬you are one of a kind!fam
I gave this advice to another steemian and I will give the same to you.
If you want my honest good opinion, the least harmful way that wastes the least amount of your time to get high (unlike smoking it or snorking it, which is all people do all day who do it that way it seems to me ) ..... The best route is rectally.
Meaning, you crush it to powder, mix it with water, take a syringe with no needle or cap on it (KEY DETAIL THERE!) and then insert that rectally and hit the plunger. It takes effect in seconds to minutes (increasing as it goes) and you can go about your day. That's actually a good way to do MOST drugs to tell you the truth. You may be struck by a sudden urge to use the restroom after doing this, but if you are, you must wait if at all possible for at least 15 minutes so it fully absorbs first.
Is that the weirdest advice you've gotten this week? I would guess so. But it's legit advice and you'll get a better high. And it's a generally safer way of doing drugs in general than most others. This isn't advice most people would be willing to share. They would feel weird about suggesting it.
Putting drugs up your ass is a quick, effective, and safe way of doing them. :)
You are a great comedian and that's the reason we love you. Now experiment and have fun. Good night.
For the record. I don't do drugs so I doubt I'd be injecting them into my ass. LOL