Hi there. Welcome to your next lesson. I am Mr. Himself.

Sit down, shut up, pay attention.

Okay

^{No time for introductions.}
Let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we? We shall, you don't have a choice.

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Step One

• _{So you're an asshole who found this place and decided to become a writer because it says you can get paid to do so.}

Well, it's not that easy. You can't just wake up one day and be a writer. You must first have a brain and at least some knowledge of the language you choose to write with. For me, that language is English and if you can't figure that out, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, you're practically screwed, and should probably leave this lesson now.

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Step Two

• _{Okay, so you have a brain but you don't know how to use it.}

I love Google. That's how I know everything. This is how you use Google as your brain so you can figure out what to write about. Notice the headline up there? "What I want to write about." I'll just throw that mess into this fancy little search bar, like so:

^{Actual screenshot of Google}

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Step Three

• _{There are nearly one billion hits but you only need the first one. I clicked it so you don't have to.}

Once inside the article, this "professional" writer mentioned six things you'll need to do to be able to write, I guess. They were:

• "Relax"
• "Come up with a lot of ideas."
• "Kill the wrong ideas."
• "Ask your muse."
• "Second guess yourself."
• "Once you've chosen..."

So, that doesn't help. How the fuck did these people ever become writers? Then this thing popped up:

^{Actual screenshot of bullshit}

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Step Four

• _{Rage quit!}

I was trying to read that!

I SELECTED THAT ARTICLE BECAUSE IT ONLY HAD SIX STEPS AND I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE MY TICKET TO WRITER'S HEAVEN! I WANTED TO BE FREE AND KNOW HOW TO BE A WRITER WITHIN FIVE MINUTES! I DON'T WANT TO LEARN SIX STEPS JUST TO BE TOLD I NEED TO LEARN TEN MORE STEPS!

• One: I fucking hate it!

• Two: I fucking hate it!

• Three: I fucking hate it!

You can take those three easy steps and shove it up your ass!

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Step Five

• _{Listen. If you need to research what to write about and how to write it; you're fucked.}

Why do I even bother! Fuck this. I'm outta here. Go teach yourselves. They don't pay me enough to deal with this shit everyday. Do you even realize, when I go home, I drink? Yeah! I drink gallon after bloody gallon of the bottom shelf vodka because it's cheap and people tell me I don't stink, even though I can smell it everywhere I go.

You think this is water in my bottle? You're an asshole! It's vodka too! You see that fish over there? It's fake and the bowl is full of vodka!

I can't wait until I can retire!

Class Dismissed!

_{Disclaimer: This article was intentionally designed to be humorous, not educational. If you didn't find it funny but thought I was an asshole instead, that still means I did a good job so you should probably vote. Have a nice day!}

Credits: _{All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "I'm just doing this because I enjoy it." [email protected]}

^{© 2018 Two Insanity Productions. All rights reserved.}Follow @NoNamesLeftToUse^{(Click the link for previous posts!)}