This. This is the ultimate in relaxation.
My friend, Mr C, waggled a card in front of my face. I looked at it and then at him.
Go on then... What is it?
Mr C was always up to things. He thought he was on the cutting edge of everything, you name it and he had tried it or had arranged to try it. I dreaded to think what this could possibly be.
It's a voucher, a very special voucher and it might be yours!
It might be mine? Hmm, what have I done to deserve such a thing? You still haven't said though. A voucher for what?
It's a voucher for a free flotation tank session.
I made a sitting on something wet face.
And what, pray tell is a flotation tank?
This was the bit that he liked the best. When he knew something that others didn't or had tried something that people had never heard of.
He launched into a long explanation about the benefits of a flotation tank, the isolation and the deep relaxation that came from using one. He looked really smug at being a floaty tank pioneer. As a special offer, he had a couple of free vouchers to give out. I was looking like the lucky recipient of one of them.
Weren't they big in the eighties?
I inquired, just to annoy him.
He looked as if a cat had gakked up a hairball in his shoe.
Whatever man, if you don't want it I will give it to someone else?
I gave in. Who was I to refuse a free thing? I mean, it might even be quite nice. Sitting in a tank or something with whalesong piping in through some speakers.
Heck, maybe I would find myself.
I held my hand out.
Go on then, I suppose I will take it off your hands
And so I found myself handing the voucher over to a girl in a white coat in a small health Spa in the trendy end of town.
She gave me a towel and instructed me on what would happen throughout the hour session. I nodded like a faithful dog whilst she rambled on, only perking up when she mentioned the panic cord.
What the heck is there a panic cord for?
She smiled, the smile of someone used to dealing with idiots.
Some people find the experience quite overwhelming. They sometimes need to know that there is a way to end the session and bring the lights on.
I was shown to the room with the tank. I was a little disappointed to see that it wasn't some futuristic big plastic thing like I had seen on Google. Instead, it was a small room within a room with water in it. It looked to be about a foot deep. There was a door which sealed it shut.
I took my clothes off and got into the mini-room within the room. Before stepping in I pressed a button on the wall outside. This activated the timer and gave me two minutes before the lights clicked out.
I sat in the water in the little room. It was about seven feet by seven feet. I lay down as I had been instructed. The lights started to dim.
There were a lot of mineral salts in the water and I found myself floating in it quite easily.
As I suspected, some twee music started piping into the room with random nature noises in it. This, of course, included the standard whale song that no relaxing thing can ever be without.
The lights faded completely out.
It was pitch black.
The volume of the music got lower.
I floated there in the dark.
Hmm, this is quite relaxing. I thought. My mind began to wander.
Something touched my toe.
I let out a little scream and jerked my feet up. What was that?!
I forced myself to calm. I had seen the little room with the lights on, there was nothing in here. There was nothing to worry about.
I lay down and relaxed again. The whale music made its ooorrrs and eerrrrs. I began to almost doze with relaxation.
The something touched my face.
I screamed again. A proper scream. A mans scream. Like a bull finding a rooster in its bed.
I flailed about, water everywhere. I could almost feel the thing without a face in the dark with me. What if it ate me? I was too young and too handsome to die like this? In someone's old bath water?
The door was jerked open and the lights came on.
The girl from the reception desk was there.
Are you ok? Goodness me. We heard you screaming all the way back there?
I waved my hands around my man parts in a bid to hide them from view. Bizarrely at this point, they had decided to look keen.
It was a... Something was in here?... Something touched me... It touched my beautiful face?!?!
I flailed about a bit more, the water churned. We both saw the monster at the same time.
It was an old Elastoplast. Floating about like it owned the place. Obviously, it had belonged to a previous user.
After many apologies, I accepted a voucher for another free tank session. This time the girl promised to make sure it was totally emptied. She laughed. I didn't.
My mate Mr C, texted me later.
How was it, dude? Awesome isn't it!
I looked at my phone, my face all twisted as if I was chewing a wasp. I carefully tapped out my response.
Yeah mate, I am soooo relaxed. I have never been so relaxed. It was awesome.
Pfft, I threw the free voucher in the bin.
What about you? Have you ever had a near death experience that turned out to be not quite so deadly? Have you ever made a bit of a fool of yourself when trying something new?
Is it really just me?
Tell us your best tales in the comments. I will be there to listen!
Authored by: @meesterboom
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