Who are these people sitting on your couch, smiling, trying to talk to you? If you're not related to them, they could possibly be 'friends'. These are people you collect over the years – from work, school, pubs, the neighbourhood and even online.

Here, I'm going to explain what a friend is and what the f*!k they want.

Who is a friend?

Assuming you're not surrounded by Quakers, the first category defines 'friend'. I'm not saying Quakers can't be friends (they probably can). How can you tell the difference? Friends often wear all types of outfits and subscribe to a range of beliefs (or not). I've included a picture of a Quaker to help you discern any visual differences:

We're very loose with the definition of 'friend' though. Many label another as 'friend' when, secretly, they're not that fond of the person. There are some who 'befriend' a person because they fancy them and are hoping a mutual attraction will develop. Others become friends because they envision the future friendship as beneficial in some way other than merely 'mutual affection'. Other 'friends' are merely tools to relieve boredom.

I've got some friends. One of them has been a friend for nearly 45 years. This is the longest non-familial relationship I have. We met at primary school and grew up together, supporting each other through life's challenges and also having fun. We survived 70s fashion, 80s hairstyles and drug experimentation, bad marriages, kids, careers, and now have the adventure of middle age. There were times when we had more in common than others, but the friendship has always been a backdrop. Our friendship has developed, evolved (and devolved sometimes), morphing over the years. But it's always been there by mutual choice.

Then there are friends of convenience. These usually start off as co-workers we don't despise. We have something in common (work and colleagues) and can sit across the desk from each other knowing there is always something to talk about or do together. We usually find their company pleasant. But is it a friend? Unless you take the relationship outside the workplace and share mutual interests (other than work), it is merely a colleague whose company you enjoy. Unless you can find something else to build upon, when either of you finds another job, the relationship will shift or drift.

Then there's the drinking buddy or the fair-weather friend. This is someone who accompanies us during fun activities like the weekend booze-up or regular sports event. There's a mutual interest around which a companionship develops. It helps relieve boredom and spares us the agony of doing these things alone.

So, friends: what the f*!k do they want?

A real friend wants the best for you. A real friend wants to:

• help you
• know you
• laugh with you
• be loyal
• protect you (from yourself and others)
• be there for you
• comfort you when you're hurt
• love you

And this is mutual. Friendship is a two-way street. It's no good being all take or all give. That type of friendship is unsustainable in the long term.

Beware the false friend. These people mimic the behaviour of a real friend, yet actively undermine you in secret. These are worse than open enemies. When you find one of these in your camp, destroy it immediately.

We bump into many people in life but few ever qualify as a true friend.

What do you think qualifies as a real friend?

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All pics are freely available online (pixabay, wikimedia, pexels), labelled for reuse and doctored by me