“Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose.” — Janis Joplin

There’s a new challenge on the blockchain, initiated by @FreedomTribe, and that’s to answer this question:

"What's the one thing you have lost - or would be afraid to lose - which would limit (or has already limited) your personal Freedom?"

Oh, the answer for me is so very obvious.

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The Price of Parenthood

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What’s the thing I’ve lost that has limited my personal freedom? Being single. Specifically, being without kids.

Let me start by saying this: I love my children. I love them so much it hurts. It scares me, how vulnerable this love makes me, but I am grateful for my twins every single day.

That said, as a mother I’ve given up LOADS of freedom. I’ve given up the freedom to go where I want when I want. I’ve given up free time. (No, it really doesn’t exist anymore. I should be sleeping right now, but I’m writing.) I’ve given up the version of me who didn’t worry about everything, all the time.

I’ve given up the freedom to be irresponsible and take the kind of risks I used to, because now, if something happens to me, it would be devastating to my children.

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That was me at 5.5 months. By the end, I was ginormous (see above). And that beautiful dog in the photo? I had to find him another home because I couldn’t take care of the twins, myself and the dog. He’s in a better place, now, with people who have time for him, but good lord the heartbreak that decision brought.

I’ve given up the body I once had, a body that gave me the freedom to move in beautiful ways. Yes, I can still move, I can still dance, but I can’t do half the things I was able to do before growing two humans and giving them life. I don’t know when I’ll be finished mourning that loss.

I never felt old before I had children. Now, I struggle with so many things, from worry and stress to high cortisol levels and a compromised core.

The sacrifices go on and on, and on, and on. And on.

If you ask me, “Was it worth it?” the answer is mixed. I wouldn’t give up my children—I’m mama bear all the way. They are my world, my joy, my sorrow, my heart. But I’ll be the first to tell someone, “Don’t have kids unless you really want them and you’re ready to give up everything.”

Yeah, everything. Kids aren’t sexy. They are hell on relationships. They will break you down and challenge everything you thought you knew.

They are also incredibly sweet, and amazing, and surprising, and wonderful.

But if you appreciate freedom, don’t have them. Seriously. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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^{Janis Joplin - Bobby McGee — Music for your listening pleasure.}

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Janis Joplin and Simple Wisdoms

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You might think me a terrible person for being so honest about motherhood, but at this point I don’t really care.

I think it’s important that people have a more balanced outlook about parenthood. Before I had kids, most moms only told me the good things about kids, as if it isn’t allowed to let people in on how hard it is, but I think it’s good to be prepared. People should know what they’re getting into.

What does this have to do with Janis Joplin? Well, first off, Bobby McGee is one of my favourite cover songs to sing. I can still belt it out, and I’d record a video for this post but I’m traveling and don’t have a guitar. But the song is about not having much to lose. When you’re a parent, you have everything to lose. Scary stuff.

However, having children sparked something in me creatively that I didn’t have before. I started writing novels when I was pregnant, and it’s something I love, something that gives me a way to express myself. So there’s that.

Second, Janis lived on the edge. She sang her heart out and died young. She was also lonely much of her life, so say her songs.

Can you be lonely with kids? Yeppers. Being a mother can be the loneliest job in the world. But my children are also my companions, and I cherish that. As often as they drive me completely crazy, they melt my heart. It’s a yin-yang to the max.

Third, Janis Joplin was immortalized in her music. Do kids make you immortal? No, they make you feel more mortal than anything, but they can also be a legacy. To me, it’s important that I give them all the love I can, and leave the best legacy I can: kind, thoughtful human beings.

It isn’t up to me how things turn out, just like it wasn’t up to Janis how people interpreted her music, or if they even liked her songs. But I love her music. I’m glad she made it. I think it was a worthwhile contribution to the world.

The amount of times my kids say they love me each day tells me they appreciate the sacrifices I’ve made for them. They don’t understand the freedom I’ve given up, but they love me. And they’re amazing kids. So is it worth it? Yes. It is.

That said, my warning still stands. ;)

Even though I've given up a lot of freedom to be a mother, I am well aware and grateful for the freedom and privilege I have living the life that I do.

When I get frustrated, I try to remember the blessings in my life and put things in perspective. Compared to the struggles many others go through, I've got it good. Everything is relative. I am grateful for the freedom I have, grateful for my family, grateful for my home, and grateful for who I am now.

Thank you for reading. Be kind to yourself.

Whatever happens, keep singing your song!

Peace. @katrina-ariel

Photos mine unless otherwise credited.

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Author bio: Katrina Ariel is an old-soul rebel, musician, tree-hugging yogini, and mama bear to twins. Author of Yoga for Dragon Riders (non-fiction) and Wild Horse Heart (romance), she's another free-spirit swimming in the ocean of life.

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^{Dragon art by Liiga Smilshkalne.}

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