A distant daddy's battle with depression

in #fatherhood8 years ago

Part 1: becoming a dad

This is my first steemit post and the first time I have written anything in detail regarding the past decade of my life.

At 25, I was content. I'd visited a good few places, some I never dreamed I would as a child. Watching the rising sun at Angkor Wat, and snorkelling in the beautiful waters of the Perhentian islands of Malaysia just two amazing experiences I'll never forget.

I had a good job, a close friend group, read a lot, exercised and participated in sports and social events as often as possible. And, although not ending well at times, I'd had my share of women both in relationships and single time.

Life was good, good enough for me.

It was new year 2004, I was at a house party and met a girl who would turn out to be the mother of my only child. 6 months later she was pregnant, the pill hadn't done its job, but other precautions should of course have been taken to be in no doubt. Anyway, that's how it was to be, and I'd always wanted to be a younger father than my own, who had turned 46 when I was born and was already 50 when I wanted to kick a football around all day.

Soon after we found out the news things obviously began to change, not least my child's mother. Early into this time she confirmed that she'd deferred university and stopped taking the pill. A shock but too late for it to make any difference going forward. So we moved in together, I worked 9-5, washed, cooked, cleaned while she steadily became tougher to live with. If I was 20 minutes 'late' home from work, I'd find clothes on the path outside and have to answer many questions and beg to be let in. Any photos I had with a girl present were destroyed one day, I found 'fucking wanker' written in conditioner on the kitchen counter one evening (I did laugh at that one, still no idea why), I even had a pint of water, with the glass, thrown at me one day. I had to pin her down as she went for a shard whilst I called the police.

I was a prisoner in my own home, no longer allowed to go see friends. Everything came with a similar threat.. You won't see this child and you'll end up like your dad. She knew where to attack, and I just kept taking the punches, I wanted to live with my daughter and be a part of her upbringing, so I'd back down and bottle it. One day I got home to face a heavily pregnant girl and a kitchen knife, I had nothing to offer her, I just left and called her Grandma.

March 25th 2006, my daughter arrived, healthy and requiring a 'bit of sunshine' on top of the usual eat, play, change, sleep rota. The first 3 months I loved, being a dad and learning how to keep a young child content was really great fun.

However, someone was not having fun. Tired of hearing of her friends parties that lasted all weekend, I was again to blame for 'the disappearance of her childhood' - another lie to suit the people present, oh there were so many of those.

We lasted another 3 months, until she finally got what she wanted -
Retaliation from myself in the form of physical force. It was my first day off after paternity leave, I woke to my daughter stirring, fed her, changed her, and played with her on her interactive mat. Looking content, I left her to play, went upstairs and checked in to see if any food or drink was required. Only got a moan so assumed not and went into the spare room. The moment I switched the PC on, she was there, 'what are you doing?', 'err, just checking emails n stuff?' And so another argument began - who starts their daily hate campaign from bed?

After another round of verbal abuse, along with a few kicks and punches I decided enough was enough. I grabbed her by the hair, pulled her back into the bedroom, and put a chair in front of the handle. I went downstairs, sat in front of my child and cried my eyes out - I knew what was coming. I received a warning for this crime, sat and answered many questions while the tape was running, but never once said a negative word about my child's mother, until the tape was stopped and the female officer asked if there was anything else - she received many of the details above, but didn't seem to care much.

So there I was, sat alone in this house, a criminal record, with no contact with my child. Although one of the low points of my life, time was not to heal and things became tougher in the years following....

With no idea how this will be taken, I've decided to split the post out into two parts. The second post will follow in a few days. Thanks for listening thus far.

Ash

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I think this old old tale of 2 years gone by deserves more than $0.00. I was going to ask how you ended up in the Balearics's at SF3 but there's no need now.

You have had it bad I can see that. What happened to part 2?
I can't seem to find it. @bingbabe (my wife) was quite touched with your story.

Thanks for the visit here!

I never actually wrote the 2nd part, it's come out over the past year or so in parts, but perhaps I need to focus an effort on a post.

It was a tough time yes, I'm out the other side though and feeling much happier. Cheers!

I had three posts that got zero when I started. It really sucked I tell you. This was from the heart and should have something.

Oh wow @abh12345! I was just reading through your posts to see what I'd missed, and it seems like it was quite a bit... I wasn't expecting this.. But I can honestly say that I understand. I've had my share of (verbally) abusive relationships. The one with the father of my 2 middle children, made me pick up my children and leave the country to live in Ireland...I felt only water between us could stop the abuse. I thought wrong... However, we live in peace now, he's completely out of the picture. He got what he wanted: for people to feel sorry for him. Anyway, I just learned a lot about you (from your first post). Thanks for sharing your story. (mind you: I didn't learn my lesson at the time, as I had been in a similar situation once before, and once after...🙄I guess three time's a charm right?)

Thanks for going back into my Steem history and commenting here, I really appreciate it.

Those years were tough, and although thoughts still enter my mind frequently, I can manage them much better these days.

And yes, just because you have and get past one abusive/failed relationship, doesn't mean you are immune in the future.

Thanks again, and i'll see you in a few weeks time :)

Did you ever make part 2?

Thanks for reading this old post :)

I never did specifically make a number 2 but there are a couple of posts that touch quite heavily on the subject.

https://steemit.com/@abh12345/burdened-by-the-thoughts-of-others-you-love-and-the-ones-that-don-t-care-about-you-at-all-its-never-too-late-to-make-a-change

https://steemit.com/@abh12345/the-eternal-heartache-of-a-distant-dad

Thanks again for looking back, I appreciate that.

Hi Ash, and good to meet you here. I only found out about this place, Steemit yesterday after watching a subbed YT video guy talking about it. Seems alright, up to now.
I am really sorry what you have been through. many people assume there are only 'battered wives', but I found out many years ago when I started work at the factory and met this older guy in his 50s this was not so. he admitted to being a 'battered husband'. Thing is, and it made me VERY angry reading your experience, it seems this society sides with the battering wife rather that understanding your experience. That is SO wrong, and you should not take it. Is there no way you could (if she is lying, which I suspect she is) of secretly recording her abuse to you and then exposing the bitch?

My mum had this kind of sht from her husband I reluctatly call my 'dad' many years back. This is how they do it, if the type male OR female. Totally seek to control your every move. She went down to 6 stone, but got out of the nightmare divorcing the sadistic cnt when I was 3 year old. Once she stood up to him, even though she is small he never tried it again.
I just want you to not take this, not being allowed near your child. it is HER who should not be allowed near CHILDREN. I am looking forward to your next part.

Hi Julian

Thanks for reading and thanks for the reply. I'm sorry this post doesn't really fit the title thus far, but as I started writing I felt like some background was required.

I too have read many posts from men who seem to have had the rough end of the stick, and I think you are right about how one-sided it is looked upon.

I'll try to get my notes together for the 2nd part over the coming days.

Thanks again

Ash

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