The eternal heartache of a distant dad
Tomorrow, I fly to the UK for the first time in 16 months. My daughter lives there and I miss her, a lot.
Projecting these thoughts out is not easy, and I read conflicting views as to whether there is a benefit to doing this, or if it actually makes things worse.
I suppose there's only one way to find out.
Three years ago, I left the UK following a personal struggle with my mental health. I'd long been separated from my child's mother - we'd only managed three months together following my daughters birth.
The weekends were our arranged time together, but as my daughter was getting older, her own life became busier and so naturally, this reduced the physical contact - I wasn't invited to many of her social events, they were more of a 'family' thing.
Living less than 15 km away, being 'so close and yet so far', really got to me. I wasn't interested in my job any more, many of my friends had moved elsewhere, and this left me feeling 'empty'. I was living in that city to be near her, and this was 3/4 days and nights a month. I lived for these days, but that left a lot of days in-between where I felt so low.
After some time off work and plenty of time to reflect, I made the brave decision to leave the UK, for sunshine and less stress. Being in a new place, with less worries day-to-day, seemed to level me out and brighten my outlook.
I worked in a Jewelry shop here in Mallorca, and also worked as an IT consultant for the United Nations in Valencia. The last 8 months have been spent mostly in Mallorca, with short trip to Reunion and Mauritius in the middle.
There have been many occasions where I've felt happy and comfortable during the past couple of years, but on flip-side of that, there is always something in my heart and mind that is unsettled.
And I think the above quote has something to do with it.
I don't love myself for leaving her, despite the situation. I'm regretful of that, and I'm unsure at present if it's tougher being 1500 km away, or just the 15.
'She's fine, she's safe, she's happy, and she loves you'. These words you can hear a thousand times, and never truly believe them. Or at least I can't, yet. Maybe I need to hear and feel this from her, more often than at present.
There is always the possibility of moving back close by, and I guess this trip may give some clues as to if that would be a good option for us both. I could do 6 months at a time - England and Mallorca, would that work, I don't know.
What I don't want is to be where I was at mentally 3 years ago, that was no good for anyone. But I think that is down to me. An acceptance of the situation, and learning to be OK with decisions I've made.
Perhaps when I give her the biggest hug on Saturday morning, all my fears will fade away, and I need to keep a hold of that moment to give me strength and confidence for the times when we are apart.
It is about time I grasped these feelings and took control of them - the physical distance will likely be a part of the future, especially as she grows older and chooses her own way in life.
Sixteen months feels like a long time, but I still remember the last words she spoke to me in person, and to those I said 'I love you too'.
See you at the weekend my love.
Asher
Honestly, as someone who has experienced this but the other way around, this post touched my heart.
My father lives a 10 minute walk away from my house yet we do not have contact.
To read this post and to read such genuine heartfelt raw honesty makes me happy.
It gives me hope.
Because I've been so jaded about fathers (and men in general) that it really does a world of good to see a dad be so caring and loving about his daughter.
Really Ash, thank you for your words.
And regarding the situation, you need to do what feels right for you.
Please keep us updated on your journey dear!
x
Mine is the opposite to yours, yet we are all linked. It's funny, as i wrote my comment below before i read your comment. Mine is hope that my daughter will talk to me.
Now i feel if i keep messaging her i feel like a stalker. So now i just message on her birthday and Christmas. It's so sad.
Ah, it's difficult isn't it?
How long has it been since you last saw each other?
I wanted to write : Don't give up!
But I realized that's me projecting my own hope onto your story because I seriously wish my father would make the effort to make contact in a healthy normal way.
So my advice to you is this : Do what you are comfortable and happy with!
Whether that is messaging her only at Christmas and her birthday, or not messaging at all or just really going all in and making a ton of effort to connect with her.
<3
x
Thanks for your reply. I'm toying with the idea of writing mu daughter another message. However the pain it causes when the message goes unread keeps me a prisoner of my own making.
I've changed so much. I haven't seen her, or heard from them for 3 and a half years.
I sent a new year message and i don't think she even read it!! I can't blame her.
I will hopefully build up the confidence to try again soon. Thank you for your kind thoughts...
Thank you Ashley, It means a lot to have someone speak from 'the other side', even if the situation there doesn't sound ideal.
Speaking personally, the amount of time spent thinking about how my daughter is, has far outweighed anything else, since the day she arrived, and I suspect that is not as uncommon as it may seem.
We're (ok, some men) are just a bit crap about talking about it - I'm very much in this gang.
I'll likely write a blog, and include some pictures, about the time we have together over the weekend.
Thank you very much for your words too x
<3
Yes.
Enjoy the process, the journey and everything in between.
And above all, be kind to yourself and stick to your heartcenteredness!
<3
You've offered such good advice @ashleykalila. I have really appreciated reading your perspective ❤
Man.... what can be said here that hasn't already been said. All the feels in this post.
My son is 10 and is the center of my world. Without him, I don't know what I would be.
I'm a child of divorce myself. My parents split amicably, and had joint custody. So there was never any real separation from one or the other. In fact, both of my parents, and my step-parents have gathered together for special occasions through the years. We share a meal together, a birthday party, a special moment for a grand child, all are places that you will find "all four of my parents".
I hope never to be in your shoes. I know how impossible the decision to leave must have been. I can put myself in that scenario, and honestly, I don't think I could do what you did. My son is as necessary to me as food and water. That's my weakness, and your strength.
I truly hope that you have the opportunity to strengthen the bond with your daughter this weekend. The teens are coming up, and are a very special time to be involved in a child's life.
All the best Asher! I really hope this journey brings you closeness and comfort. You deserve it!
Thanks Mike
This must be pretty cool, double parents should = a more well-rounded child - at least that's where Aldus Huxley's thinking was in 'Island'.
I guess you could never know how you'd react, until being in the shoes. It was one of the most difficult decisions of my life for sure, and as you can tell, one I'm still living in doubt with - even though the immediate effect was improved health.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, I cant wait to see her comment on how much she's grown :)
Cannot imagine how your thoughts must be flipping from one side to the other! I was heartbreaking to read this!
But like you wrote, if you are not happy you cannot give hapiness to her!
I don’t have a clue about her age! Luckily technolgy has advanced in such a way that a video call has become common practice.
If she is happy and you are there for her when she needs it, distance could be overcome!
Enjoy the moment on Saturday!
Yeah, I struggle with it, but this is my life and there is plenty of other, tougher things that people have to deal with.
She's just turned 12! Some big years coming up, and maybe this is a part of the feeling of wanting to be as physically close as possible.
Yes we have the IT to bridge distance these days, it's just not the same though eh.
Thanks for your comments, I'll try my best to on Saturday (and Sunday hopefully!).
I do understand but this is a strungle in your life! It is comen to stay that some have bigger problems but those won’t keep you awake at night and something like this would!
My oldest son becomes 10 this year!
Cry your heart if needed! We, real men, aren’t affraid anymore to show our feelings! And indeed it is not the same via a video chat!
Good luck it!
Yes that's true, it's what's in your life that will/will not help you rest easy.
Thank you again for the positive response, these encouraging words help a lot :)
Your welcome! Always glad to be able to support others. For sure the ones with the heart at the right place! But I could not have done this without you given something away about your life. Thanks for that!
Glad the post has turned out positively for both and allowed some personal sharing :)
Enjoy this day at the fullest!
I'm so glad you wrote about this Ash; speaking from experience, this community is a safe place to open up in.
Your post made me cry because I can empathize with it all, especially the guilt that's involved. When I split up with my ex and met Brian, my focus went from 100% focus on them to much less, mostly because their father and I had no relationship whatsoever, and I didn't focus on him. There was of course a learning curve for all of us, but I think Brian and I taught my two boys what a loving relationship actually looks like. Also moving to Mexico and leaving them behind has left me awake some nights feeling terrible about it all; even though they are 20 and 23 now, and both tell me they understand, sometimes I just wish there was another way. But like the UK, Vancouver where we are from is a rainy dreary place for 8 months of the year sometimes, and it was truly beginning to affect my mental health and Brian's physical one.
I know I could tell you that you're a good dad, that your daughter will understand, that you guys can have a beautiful long distance relationship, blah blah blah...In the end, you have to really believe that yourself. Most of the time, I believe the same about me, but every now again, especially if I'm tired, or mentally compromised with Brian's situation, that ugly and hateful arsehole named guilt pops by to say hi. And most of the time, I visit with him for a while, then kick him out of my house, like that too drunk guy at a party that doesn't know when to simply shut his mouth. My best advice to you, would be to try and figure out a way to do the same.
Sending big internet hugs your way and hoping for a wonderful reuniting visit with your beautiful daughter!
Thank you Lynn
It is tough to write openly and throw it out there not knowing what will come back, but I know you can speak from recent experience in that the response can be really great.
I understand what you mean about the guilt of a shifting focus, but I think mine was part of my health issues as I couldn't match 'real life', with my expectations or how I wanted things to be.
The weather is a real bummer, I had a SAD lamp for the last two winters sat on my chest, about 5 inches from my face each morning - they don't do what sunlight can though!
I'll figure it all out at some point, and maybe this weekend will help a little with that. At least I'll be met with a kind of sunshine you cant get anywhere else.
Thank you!
From the looks of the comments, you are experiencing some of the same as we did!
The weather in Vancouver is the same, and I found it affecting my mental health as well. It can be terrible to deal with for sure. I too tried the SAD lamp; it's got nothing on this Mexico sun :)
sigh ...so darn sweet :)
Enjoy your little ray of sunshine!
The SAD lamp is pretty pathetic, maybe if you had 5/6 of them in one room 😁
Thank you Lynn x
I just had a vision of you lying in bed in the morning, trying to force yourself up, with 5 or 6 lamps on you and Dave's rallier card on your ceiling haha
You are welcome Ash x
😂
If the Dave card was there I wouldn't need the lamps!
That's wonderful that you're going to be seeing your daughter soon Asher @abh12345.
This is critical I think. You did the best you could at the time with what was available to you. If you could have done "better" you would have. It's so easy to look back with our current eyes and see what we could have done differently. But we weren't where we are now, back then.
I was convinced that, when my son , was little I was depressed all the time and couldn't enjoy him at all. Then recently I saw a video of us together when he was about 9 months and we were both really happy and enjoying each other. I was really surprised and the rest of the family were really surprised to learn that I thought I was miserable all the time.
It's not that I wasn't depressed. I was. And severely so. It's just that, although that's what I remember most it isn't all there is to remember.
But more important is to remember that that is over now. There's no value in revisiting it.
Please try and let go of expectation as much as you can and be with your daughter fully, now. As much as you can don't take the past with you.
Meet her where you both are this weekend. Don't think about what will happen in the future and miss these next few days.
None of us know what is ahead and we have much less control than we like to think we do.
Revel in the moment of being with her. It makes no sense in thinking about the future when she's right in front of you.
Love and hugs! 💙
Hi Gillian
Thanks for sharing a some of your personal life, and experience you have gained from that.
I really like
and
And I will try my best to heed your advice and do exactly that.
Thank you! x
💙 💛 💜 💚 💙 💛 💜 💚
Wow, this is pure raw emotions in this post and it is written so well. Your daughter will be proud of you for doing what is best. You wouldn't be any good to anyone if your not mentally, physically or emotionally happy. I hope that on Saturday you have the most incredible time of your life.
Thank you, yes it's important for me to be good in mind before i can be useful to others - thanks for the reminder, and the positive words for the weekend.
You're welcome. It takes a special father with pure love to do something so hard. It is for the right reasons though.
Well done, nice words .. safe trip
Great post from you
Thanks for sharing
Heads up, Asher.
Enjoy @abh12345 - don't dwell. You daughter loves you, and you will know that as soon as you hug her. I'm going to pretend this post didn't touch my heart and move on swiftly.....
Thanks Paula 😊
Asher, I have more in common than you realize. I had a slightly different, but similar situation with my first wife and 2 adopted kids. I was the one left out of everything, and in my case the ex was very subversive and taught the kids that I was nobody to them. I will not go into details here, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain as I've been there.
I think the main thing I learned from the situation is that I had to do what I felt was right. Right for the kids and right for me. And there was an answer. I know that my kids have a great opportunity in life and I did a lot to make that happen. They don't really know what I sacrificed for them, but I do and that is all matters. I did the best with dealing with a difficult situation and feel that in the long run that I did it for all the right reasons. One day I hope my story gets told to them so they know just how much I love them and what I sacrificed.
I'm telling you this so that you realize that as long as you do your best with the facts you facing you, then you always are making the right choices. If those facts change, then you can reevaluate. But knowing you for this period of time, I don't think you have a selfish bone in your body. So do not worry about what happened in the past and just focus on doing what you think is best today (and tomorrow when that arrives). You are very much right in that you have to be solid and strong to be able to help others. So don't ever worry about wanting that because it is the only way you can ever help others.
I hope you have a wonderful trip and I'm excited for you to see your little girl! Something tells me that you are going to have a beautiful day that day and it will be one that you will never forget!
Hi Dave
Thanks for sharing a little of your story, and sounds like we can relate. Personal sacrifice seems ok, that is until it affects your own health - that was where I was at when I had to make a change.
One day my side will be shared, and I hope you get that opportunity too.
First message sent on UK soil 😊 Have a great weekend, I hope mine will be that too.
Cheers!
Hey Asher, I know today is going to be awesome for you! I hope you got lots of rest and give you daughter a day she will never forget! I'm very happy for you! (and for her because you are a special person that she will be blessed to have in her life!)
Thanks Dave!