Agony Girl SAVED my LIFE. Forks and cashiers and jock itch cream and such...

I found myself in a bit of a pickle recently. That's how we southerners say we've gotten ourselves into trouble somehow. For instance, maybe we accidentally stepped in horse manure. That's a bit of a pickle.

Maybe a bird dropped a little gift upon our heads. Maybe we farted in church. Maybe we blamed the fart on a nearby toddler. It all means danger. It's all pickles. Bits of them. Maybe it's a British thing. Don't know.

Turns out, though, I found this really great advice-handing-out guru named AGONY GIRL.

I thought I would share the letter I wrote to Agony Girl, and also share the reply I received back from her.

I share this in the hopes that maybe someone out there can relate to the grief that I was experiencing. And maybe someone can relate to how much of a badass Agony Girl really is.

Grief and badassery are like fine wine and good cheese. I consume neither of those things, but I know I'm right.

I'll just let the letters do the talking. See below. First mine, then hers.

Dear Agony Girl,

---

I hope you are well, aside from being always in agony.
Here is my problem. You probably can't help me, but I'm so desperate.

Some backstory.. My sister works as a cashier at a grocery store and she informed me that cashiers do not like to small talk with customers when they go through the line. All they want to do, she said, is just hand people their receipts and then go cry in the breakroom in peace while they eat their lunches.

So, out of respect for my sister and cashiers everywhere, I do not speak to cashiers when I buy groceries, ever.
But, regrettably, lately, I have been forced to do the unthinkable and converse with one of these unfortunate souls. It's AWFUL. I need to explain.

There is this person at the local grocery store where I go to buy my own groceries, the aforementioned cashier, who always talks to me when I go through the line. He is distressed. He is in dire need of help for himself. So really, this question is for him as well. His name is Mierde.

Mierde tells me about how his grandmother eats cereal with a fork, and he is constantly asking me for advice on how to fix that problem. She needs to become comfortable with using a spoon. Forks don't scoop up cereal very well.

Sidenote, just girl talk.. he used to ask me out to dinner every time I went through his line, it was so frustrating. He's very smelly.

So, one day, I bought 3 tubes of jock itch cream just to mess with his head, and scratched my fake balls a lot in front of him, and that fixed the dinner problem right away.

I'm pretty sure he thinks I have testicles now. I'm only 80 percent sure that jock itch actually means a rash on someone's balls, but it doesn't matter. Worked like a charm. I apologize for wandering away from my question. Please keep reading.

The grandmother problem is not so easy to fix. Now, I told him the obvious answer, just give the damn woman a spoon. But apparently, she is anti-spoon. (some kind of accident when she was giving birth to Mierde's father.)

HOW do I help this annoying cashier to help his dying grandmother eat cereal withOUT a fork? He said that she is losing weight quickly and looks pale. That is why I assume now that she is dying of an actual real reason instead of because of a fork.

You see, cereal is the only thing she eats, and so he is blaming her deadly ailment on her eating habits, but I feel that it is NOT the reason that she's losing weight.

I need to help Mierde to help her to begin finally eating cereal the right way so that he'll see that the cereal is not the real problem. I can't stress that fact enough.

THE CEREAL IS NOT THE REAL PROBLEM!

---

I'm not sure if you can help me, but if you can, I will give you all of my jock itch cream, in case you are secretly a boy and in case you might have itchy balls someday and need a tube of medicine. Or if you need to somehow find a way to repel a smelly man like I did. I will make it worth your while to help me. I promise.

I love you always,

Totally Torn in Tennessee

---

The next day, I received my answer:

---

Dear Totally Torn in Tennessee,

First year of medical school, I learnt about can’t-have-cereal-with-spoon-itis, although I skipped the next class because of my fear of cereal killers, I know the answer to this one. It was in the Notebook.

Please ask the guy’s grandmother to watch this motivational video of Ryan Gosling overcoming his fear of eating cereals with a spoon.

---

---

Again “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE CEREAL”. It's about Ryan Gosling.

-Agony Girl

---

CREDITS:

---

Photo: Fork by Dean Hochman https://flic.kr/p/PP9uZU (Creative Commons)

GIFS from http://giphy.com

---

---

This post would not EXIST without @diebitch and her @comedyopenmic posts. I have shared the original posts below. Please check them out, and try to give a couple of upvotes before the 7 day time period expires. Thanks for reading!! ♥-serena

---

Comedy Open Mic Round 11 - Entry 2 -Part 1 https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@diebitch/comedy-open-mic-round-11-entry-2-part-1

Agony Girl answers- Comedy Open Mic - Part 2 https://steemit.com/comedyopenmic/@diebitch/agony-girl-answers-comedy-open-mic-part-2

---

---

Hey! Helpie is looking for new members! @helpie has been growing nicely and we are always on the lookout for new valuable members. We are very supportive and community oriented. If you would like to be scouted for @helpie , please drop a comment on THIS POST.

---