Agony Girl answers- Comedy Open Mic - Part 2

I'm very fond of punchlines, and guys provided some beautiful setups.

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First up is @paintingangels who is concerned about her stalker's grandma

Dear Agony Girl,
I hope you are well, aside from being always in agony.
Here is my problem. You probably can't help me, but I'm so desperate.
Some backstory.. My sister works as a cashier at a grocery store and she informed me that cashiers do not like to small talk with customers when they go through the line.
All they want to do, she said, is just hand people their receipts and then go cry in the breakroom in peace while they eat their lunches.
So, out of respect for my sister and cashiers everywhere, I do not speak to cashiers when I buy groceries, ever.
But, regrettably, lately, I have been forced to do the unthinkable and converse with one of these unfortunate souls. It's AWFUL. I need to explain.
There is this person at the local grocery store where I go to buy my own groceries, the aforementioned cashier, who always talks to me when I go through the line. He is distressed. He is in dire need of help for himself. So really, this question is for him as well. His name is Mierde.
Mierde tells me about how his grandmother eats cereal with a fork, and he is constantly asking me for advice on how to fix that problem. She needs to become comfortable with using a spoon. Forks don't scoop up cereal very well.
Sidenote, just girl talk.. he used to ask me out to dinner every time I went through his line, it was so frustrating. He's very smelly. So, one day, I bought 3 tubes of jock itch cream just to mess with his head, and scratched my fake balls a lot in front of him, and that fixed the dinner problem right away.
I'm pretty sure he thinks I have testicles now. I'm only 80 percent sure that jock itch actually means a rash on someone's balls, but it doesn't matter. Worked like a charm. I apologize for wandering away from my question. Please keep reading.
The grandmother problem is not so easy to fix. Now, I told him the obvious answer, just give the damn woman a spoon. But apparently, she is anti-spoon. (some kind of accident when she was giving birth to Mierde's father.)
HOW do I help this annoying cashier to help his dying grandmother eat cereal withOUT a fork? He said that she is losing weight quickly and looks pale. That is why I assume now that she is dying of an actual real reason instead of because of a fork.
You see, cereal is the only thing she eats, and so he is blaming her deadly ailment on her eating habits, but I feel that it is NOT the reason that she's losing weight.
I need to help Mierde to help her to begin finally eating cereal the right way so that he'll see that the cereal is not the real problem. I can't stress that fact enough.
THE CEREAL IS NOT THE REAL PROBLEM!

I'm not sure if you can help me, but if you can, I will give you all of my jock itch cream, in case you are secretly a boy and in case you might have itchy balls someday and need a tube of medicine. Or if you need to somehow find a way to repel a smelly man like I did. I will make it worth your while to help me. I promise.
I love you always,
Totally Torn in Tennessee

Dear Totally Torn in Tennessee

First year of medical school, I learnt about can’t-have-cereal-with-spoon-itis, although I skipped the next class because of my fear of cereal killers, I know the answer to this one. It was in the Notebook.

Please ask the guy’s grandmother to watch this motivational video of Ryan Gosling overcoming his fear of eating cereals with a spoon.

Source

Source

Again “IT’S NOT ABOUT THE CEREAL”. It's about Ryan Gosling.

@negativer is positively confused

Dear Agony Person,
I have a secret crush on someone on steemit. I also talk to this person sometimes on Discord. But whenever I do, she is mean to me and makes fun of me. Sometimes she makes me cry. I am also not sure she's a she, and I feel this is important. I'm confused about everything now.
Halp.

Dear Negative person who writes stories in which everybody dies faster than you can say George RR Martin,

@nobyeni, stop making fun of Neg, and ew
_____________________ He has a crush on you.

How can I be sure you’re a he?

also @paintingangels (above) will send Noby some itch cream so that you stay away from her.

@hazem91 should put a ring on it

My girlfriend said she's willing to get married as soon as someone proposes.
Why is "someone" in itallic? Is that a hint? Should I pay someone to propose yo her? I really want her to get married and be happy :)
Single Forever

Okay, @hazem91, I want you to run a “The Bachelor” like contest on steemit for your girlfriend to find “someone”.

Test the contestants on

• Crypto knowledge
• Cooking Skills (Very Important)
• IQ Internet Quotient - How fast can they meme?
• Ask them ,can they tell when their gf is ready for marriage?
• Beer Drinking Skills
• Spear Throwing

@pechichemena can score some marijuana for you

Hello agony girl , it's me the guy with the acoholic pet problems , btw , he says hi , he's still staying at my house since my friend seems to have dissapeared , doesn't call back or anything so .. We are kind of buddies now .. thanks for your help last time!

He seems to have calmed a lot ( maybe the fact that I give hime medical marijuana and put rivotril in his drinks help , but i'm not sure... )
Anyways that's NOT my concern now...
Two days ago we went for camping with some friends to some nice area i'm not revealing , one of the first advices I got was that in order to survive I needed to have enough firewood for the whole trip since winter is approaching we need it to cook and also to keep warm. So I went out and bought ''the best firewood'' I could get and was sold these rather odd looking ones but since the seller was very convincing I just went with it , you know with all the technologic boom and such..
Now , they don't have seem to come with instructions and I haven't been able to light a single one of them , I am starting to get worried .. since we have raw food and the temperature is dropping heavily ... Luckily I got some Wi-Fi by climbing up this tree , now .. I'm also afraid to go down .. and I think I am starting to suffer some hypothermia ... I quite desperate here.. so please , could you please help me how to use one of these ''modern firewood'' .. my life kind of depends on it..

Thank you agony girl , you are my hero .
Yours truly
Pechiche Mena

Dear Pechi stuck in a tree,

I don’t think you’ll make it out of this mysterious camp site. But that’s a good thing.

What is the wifi plan on the tree like? I think if we send you a jacket, your drunk, druggie pet and japanese body pillow, this might make you a millionaire.

• No Rent
• No wifi bill
• No human interaction (Always a bonus)
• Always on steemit/discord

PS: For preventing hypothermia light parts of your tree on fire or convince your pet to have flaming shots.

As for the “firewood” here’s a recipe for it’s usage:

• 1 part “firewood” juice
• 1 part sugar syrup
• 1 part champagne

@leomaryszabala should read the signs

Why are women always the ones who should have hormonal problems? I'm like that, and my boyfriend always gets the worst part because he does not know how to treat me or knows when I'm in a good mood or bad mood. Sometimes I feel sorry for him, but he says that this is going to help me.

I think you need to have a board stuck to your forehead. It should be programmed to reveal your mood. So, your boyfriend doesn’t have to guess it. You can also advertise stuff on the board that you want as a present.

@soundwavesphoton is love again

Dear Agony gurl,
I'm in love with my neighbors wife. I've been tapping his wife almost everyday now and she's always there and willing. We seem to have a perfect connection. I have a ton of guilt about the situation. I don't have a decent connection with my current wife and my ex wife was so slow and frustrating but there is no excuse for my behavior. So what should I do about this horrible situation?
Damn it autocorrect... I meant "wifi" not "wife"

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your neighbour. Take two chairs and sit on his dick while you share a cock. Your neighbour should get laid.

Damn Autocorrect!
I meant
I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your neighbour. Take two chairs and sit on his deck while you share a coke. Your neighbour should get paid.

@carn wants idiotic eidetic memory

I don't study at all for my quizzes and often do terrible on them. How do I develop a photographic memory?
A-Er you can’t develop a photographic memory unless we make part of you a robot. But you can take pictures of the stuff you have to study and make a microfilm.
Cheating has been proven to help students do better at quizzes.
Same thing.Eidetic or idiotic.

@linnyplant is hungry but thankfully not stuck in a tree with an alcoholic pet

Dear Ms Agony,
This is true, as I am sure all the questions here are...but my jaffle maker, that toasting machine that squashes two breads together to make toasted cheese and ham sandwiches was letting out a lot of smoke. And I mean a lot of smoke, such that I was worried it’ll trigger the smoke alarm!
Could it be faulty?
Possessed?
I’m still hungry, do you think I should make another?
I await for your advice with bated breath.
Hungry person...

Dear Hungry Person ( I hope you aren’t dead!)

It couldn’t be possessed since most jaffle makers come with ghost protection coating after the big ghost invasion of 1990’s.
I would call a jaffle expert immediately and don’t try squashing two pieces of bread by yourself manually, it doesn’t work, why do you think dinosaurs became extinct?

@anikekirsten is every man's fantasy

Dear Agony Girl,
My wife actually did steal my beer. The problem is not that, but that I didn't know I had a wife. She left a note with a valid marriage certificate and served me for child support as well. What do I do?

Fake your death and assume the woman who is your wife’s name, steal her beer and send it to me.
PS: dont tell your husband about this, he’ll lose it. Most men dream about having two at the same time. Beer, I meant beer...

@amirtheawesome1 needs to get touch with his feminine side

Okay, so 5 years ago I took this girl out on a date, we went for dinner and I paid. She was a feminist and insisted that in interest of fairness she’d pay next time we’re on a date. However, the date didn’t go well and we didn’t have a second one. How do I get her to pay for my food now ?

This has two solutions one is easy, the other is impossible.

Okay you need to stalk this girl, note down all her habits then go up to the girl, go all “love actually” on her with home made boards saying that she’s the one that got away , will she give you another chance, you know , that shit jazz.
Src
Or
Find another feminist in Iraq

I'm reporting @vaughndemont to steem police

So we got a new TV and it's a 62" model and it's too big or heavy and the resolution isn't as high as I'd like but it was free so I guess I can't complain but isn't that the purpose of life anyway if you live in a first world country it's probably something that you'd look into after a coffee or one of those cookie things that don't look like cookies but have a weird Italian name and you get them at that place that went viral last week I think it was a Tuesday and why do we call it Tuesday because Twosday it a better homophone but it's the third day of the week unless you're one of those four-corn days people and what did that mean anyway and since I've distracted you this long
What kind of shoes would you recommend for a quick getaway now that I've stolen your car?

Joke’s on you, I don’t own-
OMG @vaughndemont, did you steal my toy car. I’d bought that for my niece. Who am I kidding I’d bought it for my boyfriend because my husband beat him up.

@holybranches has a delicate problem

hey Agony girl, my dicken resurrects hard everytime our female boss steps inside. She takes it am being non-respectful as i refuse to stand up and welcome her. How do i explain this trivia to the cougar?

Wear a thong to office (again!) , that way you’ll get fired or laid. Either way problem gone. Poof.
Another solution is that you work hard, become her boss and avoid sexual harassment lawsuits like a man.

@acolucky is a God

Hello Agony.
I am dealing with a county clerk. She demands a permit to get a permit to get a permit to put a shed on my property. I assume mass murder followed by suicide is probably not an option. How do I cope with this?
--Broke as Piss in Minneapolis

Dear Broke as Piss in Minneapolis,

Permit me to say although murder followed by suicide is not an option. Suicide followed by a dramatic resurrection, leading people to believe you’re a God, giving you the power to commit mass murders and get a permit in the state of Minneapolis is always an option.
Remember this bonus: Gods don’t have to pay taxes.

@belemo will witness his murder by yours truly's partner

Hello Agony Girl,
I have a few questions pertaining to the workings of steemit.
Please how can I be a steemit witness if I haven't witnessed any crime on steemit?
Do I have to be a Jehovah's witness to be a witness?
Is there a witness protection scheme for steemit witness or does the witness just wear a condom?
Can a witness witness to a witness?

You’ll soon witness the murder of this guy who keeps writing about this girl’s husband, by said husband.
So, become a Jehovah’s witness and I’ll also vote for you as a witness, so you get your answer practically.

@kilbride is going flagpole dancing

Dear Agony Girl,
I never get flagged...... In the words of Michael Palin " I lie awake at night dreeeeeeaming of being flagged. " How inappropriate does a comment have to be to get a girl thrown a fucking flag bone once in a while?!!

Please try writing these sample comments on posts of people above 60 in reputation

I nominate @ma1neevent and @clayboyn to make a post for comedy Open Mic