Better You #7 : Increase Your Social Intelligence - How to Deal with People.

in #blog7 years ago

Good evening my Steemian family, it is finally Thursday evening meaning that my mini-vacation has officially started. 🎉

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Life Update

Tomorrow morning, my girlfriend and I will head to Amsterdam where we will attend a rave festival on Saturday. This while enjoying two full days in the city, exploring and enjoying a few work-free days.

Don't worry fam, I will cover our journey here on Steemit and bring you guys along.

Life hasn't been very eventful the last couple of days. They have mostly consisted of work and studies from early morning til late evening - getting as much hustle done as possible - to be able to relax a little bit extra on our trip. 🤟🏼

I still have a bag to pack and some sleep to catch before we'll leave with our cab at 6.0 A.M. Thus, I will aim to keep today's post fairly short.

Going Back to the Classics

During this week at the gym I've been listening to the audiobook How to Win Friends and Influence People, authored by Dale Carnegie 1936. An old-time classic to say the least. 🙏🏼

Funny enough this was one of the first books I ever read voluntarily outside school when I was like 15. I remember how my older brother gave it to me and told me it was the most influential book he had ever read.

To be honest I don't remember a single lesson from the book. I don't even know if I finished the book when I think about it. 😂

For some reason I just haven't picked it up since and haven't actually re-read the book until now. And yes, it is archaic and quite obsolete at times, but I can't argue with the fact that Carnegie had some time-less wisdom spelled in those pages of literature.

I truly understand why it's consider one of the best books ever written in terms of human relations.

And as usual, here are my top key takeaways, taken from the first part of the book.

How to Deal with People and Increase Your Social Intelligence

Principle #1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. …. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

I definitely agree with Carnegie on the fact that criticizing other people is a recipe for failure as a general rule.

On the other hand, I think it is incredibly important to both give and being able to receive constructive criticism from your close peers and eventual partner.

Hence, I would argue that there is a major distinction between your inner circle that you're trying to achieve greatness with, and with people outside of that circle.

Although one thing to keep in mind regardless of the case, and that is if you want to change someone's behaviour; the typical demeaning criticizm just won't do it. This is because humans are much more likely to change their behaviour if they are rewarded rather than punished or threatened. Encourage good behaviour rather than criticizing bad behaviour.

As a rule of thumb however; don't critizice, don't condemn and don't complain.

Principle #2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation

If you can deliver a sense of importance to your fellow man, you will have found the key to dealing with people.

Charles Schwab said, “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement.”

This is a big one. Especially here on Steemit where people seem to have misunderstood the whole thing.

One of the first things that strikes you on this platform is the comment-spamming and the insincere flattery. To be honest I have a hard time understanding how people think this will help them achieve their goals. Because let me tell you:

There is a major difference between appreciation and flattery.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody. But our natural response is to criticize what we don’t like, and remain silent about what we do like.

So the next time you come across a Steemit post you like, make sure to leave a thoughtful comment and let the author know that you appreciate his or her work and why.

It doesn't necessarily have to be an essay long comment, but the long-term return of such an action can be unimaginable.

People overestimate the effect of flattery. And underestimate the effect of sincere appreciation.

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Principle #3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want

When you go fishing, you don’t bait the hook with the strawberries you’d like to snack on; you use what the fish prefer, worms. Yet in our interactions with people, we always barge in talking about what we want, which is a complete waste of time and effort. Instead, we should always be asking ourselves what the other person wants, and present our reasoning from their perspective. Tell them how it will get them what they want.

Henry Ford said, “If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own.”

To get what you want, don't focus on yourself. Instead learn to understand the other person's point of view, and arouse an eager need in that person. Create a win-win situation.

While it might sound obvious, people nevertheless persist in every interaction to explain their own needs and desires, ignoring the other person.

Carnegie nailed when he wrote the sentence, “The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”

Magic Bullet of the Day

I'll round this post of with another great quote from the book that just resonated so well with me.

A man's character and integrity can be measured by how well he can forgive and understand his fellow human.

Hope you enjoyed today's post, now I'm off to pack my bags! ✈️

Previous 'Better You' articles

Better You #6 : How to Deal with Failure
Better You #5 : How to Become a Professional and Conquer Resistance
Better You #4 : The Difficult Art of Relaxation & The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck
Better You #3 : Investing $1000 in Steem. Inside suffering is the seed of change.
Better You #2 : Hacks to improve your sleep and practical tips & thoughts to enhance your life
Better You #1 : A new Steemit project to help us all become the best version of ourselves

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He seems spot on! I hadn't heard of that book before, but maybe I'll give it a chance, he's not bluffing at all. Have fun on your trip! I have never been to a rave, so have fun, I look forward to reading your posts about it! :)

It's definitely worth a read. You don't need to read many such books in life but if I would recommend just one it would be that one.

🙌🏼

My oh my, 'How To Win Friends and Influence People' is one of my all-times favorite books!! This book in insanely influential, because most of the principles taught in it are very basic and straightforward - yet people seem to have 'forgotten' due to our modern culture and environment (eg. bashing people online, pointing out other people's mistakes for the sake of making ourselves look better etc.)

Btw @williamwest, are you into physical books or audio versions?

Yeah it is such an amazing book indeed 🙏🏼

Definitely physical books, I read way more physical than I listen to audio, but for example at the gym, or when I'm out walking, I at times put on and listen to an audio-version. How about you?

Nice. I enjoy reading physical books too. Right now, I'm writing on a new podcast to turn physical books into audio-versions to help Steemians save time - like how you can 'read' while doing working out/walking etc. What do you think about this bro?

I'm not sure I understand fully, can you elaborate and explain again? 🙏🏼

Hahaha no problem @williamwest!

I'm working on a new project which aims to help avid readers like yourself to save time, by listening to the audio version of books instead of reading them page by page.

Since you've been a huge fan of reading, I was wondering if you would be interested to consume such content once it's available? :)

How does it differ from regular audio-books? But in general, yes of course I love anything that helps me save time 😉

I will do adding in my own reflection after reading the book: chapter summaries + lesson learnt, and also an overall list of takeaways from the entire book upon finishing ;)

Yes, love it man. And also that regardless of result you will learn tons on the way, do it brother!

Hello, @williamwest. My today’s comment won’t be pleasant. I am disappointed in you.
Here is why. I know about the ‘commenting’ problem on the platform. Comment-spamming and the insincere flattery are indeed very obvious and frustrating. But do you think calling out people will change anything? No. Nothing will change and, on the contrary, some people might get upset. Personally, after reading your thoughts I felt insulted at first - I have comments, that might be seen as flattery. However, I know that they are not, because I don’t force myself to write a comment just to please anyone. I do it because I simply want to, like the material or care about the author. But what about people, who have only couple of sentences or even words in their comment? Don’t just label them ass ass-licking profit seekers and think that they are all bad. Maybe there is another explanation?! Choose one:

  1. A person simply doesn’t know how to write a genuine comment.
  2. A person lacks strong writing skills. And couple of sentences is the maximum he/she can do.
  3. A person is just socially awkward and doesn’t know how to express him or herself properly.
  4. A person doesn’t possess a fruitful fantasy to make its comment unusual and stand out.
  5. A person wanted to share emotions with you or encourage, but he/she isn’t as smart as author. That’s why, not to be seen as silly, he/she keep comment simple.
  6. A person doesn’t know English and only wrote couple of words not to be seen as illiterate.

Some people aren’t simply as good as others.

To tell you the truth, I was a comment spammer when I first joined Steemit. But things changed after I read two posts from @cranium (1. https://steemit.com/steemit/@cranium/how-to-write-comments-correctly-kak-pravilno-pisat-kommentarii. 2. https://steemit.com/steemit/@cranium/how-to-write-comments-correctly-2-kak-pravilno-pisat-kommentarii-2.) They aren’t the best in the world and I know a lot of ideas can be added, but these posts really opened my eyes and made me rethink, how I comment people. After it I started making efforts to take my commenting on the other level. Because Steemit isn’t Facebook or other social platform. Don’t know, If I’ve succeeded or not, but at least I am trying to get better.

My point is: if you want to make a difference, don’t just call people out. It will only anger them. Instead - teach people to be better. Write a post on how you see commenting should be and how you do it. Or make a little contest for the most creative comment. Nothing will ever change without a push in the right direction. And try to see positive things in people first. Don’t just cast them aside, give them a chance. We can always roast them later.

Love this comment @moviebuff, big ups from my side that you're putting yourself out there being sincere. And you know what? You're right, I agree.

My apologies for my ignorance on the matter, all the explanations you mention are very valid, and I will definitely take your words to heart.

As you say, merely addressing an issue won't make a difference, teaching someone how to act differently will.

Expect a future post based on your well written words my friend!

Thank you again for your comment 🙏🏼

Great post. I think that I do better with online social things than I do in real life. It seems easier to wade past the small talk and really see people. I know a lot of people think it's the opposite, but for me I appreciate the convenience of getting to read people's thoughts and respond in my own time.

I think these are some great, core ideas for relationships, though. Thinking about others first and being genuine. Definitely being REAL. I respect that so much more than shallow and fake conversation!

Awesome post. I wish my brain was feeling more coherent this morning so I could respond a little better!

@byn

I find it very interesting that you find it easier to see people online. It can needless to say be a quite useful perk, definitely something that can be of benefit to you 🙏🏼

I agree a 100%, good thoughts!

Thank you very much 🙌🏼

Love the post, I always find this sort of stuff very fascinating. I started following you. Thanks.

Thank you for your words 🙏🏼

This is really good stuff and I really liked it! Happy that you share it with such a beautiful way:)

I'm glad you enjoyed the post my friend 🙌🏼

"One of the first things that strikes you on this platform is the comment-spamming and the insincere flattery."

This. 100%.

When many users comment on Steemit, they do it with their own rewards in mind. This creates a tendency for insincere "engagement".

Then, lo and behold, someone will leave something genuine and sincere for you to read, and it brightens your whole day. A few of the comments I've received just made me over the moon happy, because I could tell that reader appreciated what I wrote.

I am continually surprised how much authenticity pays dividends. I am not surprised that "Give honest and sincere appreciation" was a rule that made it into that book.

Being real is its own form of currency.

Thanks for writing, and enjoy your trip!

Amazing thoughts Christ, as someone already said below, Being real is its own form of currency, great quote!

I hope we'll see a convergence towards a more genuine majority, especially when it comes to new users as the platform evolves. Although I wouldn't say its certain since our human tendencies our biased towards the "easy, spammy" way, but we'll see, I have a positive outlook 😉

Oh, rest assured, we'll be there when the dust settles hahaha.

People will get bored of spamming for a few pennies here and there. Perhaps, larger changes will occur to prevent abuse by whales.

The long-term strategy wins out in the long run, and it's more durable to changes and turbulence.

Keep it up, dude. Looking forward to watching you grow, and chasing you in a very friendly fashion. ;)

Love it brother, back from my mini-vacation now so let's 10X again 😉👊🏼

Being real is its own form of currency.

This is an amazing quote, @chrismccron

they do it with their own rewards in mind

I think this is a problem intrinsic to a platform like Steemit. Money is the primary mover for people to join here. Once they are in, they slowly start to love the community, but practically speaking of you take the money away, things will fall apart.

This, however, does not take away the fact that how much you earn is the result of your sincerity towards the platform and community. You cannot take shortcuts and spam your way to riches. This is another awesome characteristic of this platform.

You are right that most people wouldn't stick around without the rewards system. They just need to do a little critical reflection to realize that even though there is personal gain to be had, selfishness won't serve them.

I bought this book about two years ago and I read it multiple times. It helped me a lot, especially in the workplace. Good pick.

Yeah I will definitely revisit it in the future as well, timeless wisdom!

And of course, go ahead and enjoy your trip in Amsterdam with your sweetheart!!! Can't wait to see what you've got to share with us from there ;)

Thank you brother! We had needless to say an amazing time, part 2 coming up soon :)

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