Breaking News! Ross Ulbricht confesses to being Satoshi Nakamoto!

Ross Ulbricht "the pirate hippy", infamous for masterminding the silk road, dark net market and masturbating in libraries on a windows 98” laptop is now facing life behind bars but in an unprecedented announcement via his lawyer/mum, has announced he is the true creator of bitcoin. He is the real Satoshi Nakamoto.

There have been many theories surrounding the pseudo name and anonymous creator.
Since inception the world has speculated that it maybe Aliens, NSA or Leonardo DiCaprio but now we have an answer.

Anxiously I made an appointment to visit the prison to speak to Ross immediately.

After years of wondering who the genius, brain child of bitcoin and the person responsible for the crypto scene today is, he finally sits before me. Behind 3 inches of bullet proof glass, in a badly lit room, in an orange jumpsuit, sits Satoshi Nakamoto aka, Ross Ulbricht aka, Dread Pirate Roberts aka, aka.

So, of course the question the whole world has been dying to ask. Are you really Japanese or do you just like the food?

I like to think I’m Japanese, If that counts for anything but yeah I adore the food. I’m actually an American.

Where did the idea for the name Satoshi Nakamato come from?

It loosely translates to "spicy grilled pork with dumplings". I used to order it from my local.

What was your influence for creating the world’s first digital currency?

Back in the day I used to cross the border into Mexico for cheap weed and ketamine. Me and my buddy started making it a regular thing and before we knew it we were going twice a week, spending a fortune on petrol but also risking border crossings. I thought wow! Lets just get "Gonzales Rodriguez" (not real name) to ship the damn stuff via FedEx! Next thought was how do we pay him? The only anonymous way was to send cash in the mail, that was the last I heard of “Gonzales Rodriguez”.

Fascinating, so the idea of an online drug market spawned the idea of a digital currency?

Yes! I was knee deep in a Mexican hooker when it dawned on me! You need an escrow system! You need trust in a middle man to facilitate the exchange so what happened with Gonzales could never happen again. Of course, you can’t run a drugs market using Paypal or credit cards, linked to your real name. So the concept of silk road was born we just needed a payment method.

I see, the name you went by as ultimately the leader of silk road, Dread Pirate Roberts doesn’t exactly install trust though?

I realized that soon after, people don’t trust pirates. Johnny Depp is to blame for that, we aren’t all like that. So I added a camel to the logo, everyone trusts camels.

Makes sense. And how exactly did you then create the algorithms, the maths, the code, the blockchain that ultimately is bitcoin and the influence of so many other cryptos today?

I’m afraid, I have no idea. I came out of a 3 week drug binge dressed as a red indian and there it was. I had written the whitepaper using cocaine as ink, (hence the name) all across the hotel room. Few weeks later I’m ordering pizza with this shit! Once I sobered up we put it all together. (The market/ bitcoin)

Always wondered why it was called a whitepaper, you keep saying we?

Oh, I had help of course. Once I got what I needed I handed bitcoin over to the fat kid with the pizza. I didn’t know what half the whitepaper was talking about. He seemed like a nice guy.

I am aware you have never spent your coins? Is this a strategic move?

I wish I could say it was but truth be told, I wrote that at the end of the whitepaper. Sniffed it without thinking the next day. You thought my pizza was expensive, that line cost me 1,000,000 bitcoins!

Do you regret not pulling an exit scam like similar recent markets?

Of course. At the time I thought I was untouchable, now I wish I was on a yacht with my boys Kim, Vert and the rest of the Evo crew.

How do you pass your time in prison?

I read mostly.. not allowed to touch a pc. Not even a calculator. I’ve got an abacus but its limited, trying to hack it to get WiFI.. no luck so far.

Well good luck to you Ross and if you ever get out, I’ll tip you some Ether, its meant to be the next big thing.

What’s ether? That drink from fear and loathing?

Never mind.