My Issues with Authority

in #authority5 years ago

I consider myself a rebel. I purposely want to do things in a different way. It has also made me who I am. It has been the driving force to finding out what really works in life and what doesn't, regardless of social conventions. It has been a driving force to pursuing the quest for truth and meaning with vigor and courage. 

In the past this kind of behavior hasn't always been to my advantage. Rebellion is always criticism of the status quo. The vast majority feels threatened when they're confronted with criticism. It's a "face-threatening act". The result can be resistance or even anger. I experienced it countless times. It's an art to criticize in a way that criticism is accepted. I digress. At times it almost seems like an obsession of mine to go the other way. But does it really serve my purpose in life? Isn't there a simpler and easier way to fulfill my mission? 

The Origin of the Knot

I was at a workshop yesterday. This time as a participant. When I teach I love constructive criticism. It shows that people take part and engage in critical thinking. It shows that they are growing as a person. Yesterday, however, when I uttered criticism, I felt uncomfortable. I felt a knot in my stomach. And I asked my self why? Let me connect the dots. My chain of thoughts might seem arbitrary and erratic. Just wait for it. It'll make sense in the end.

Whenever I hear the clock ticking I feel annoyed. Whenever I hear the church bell ringing I feel annoyed. Whenever I hear someone opening the door in the morning while I'm resting I feel annoyed. There's this instant reaction of "Annoying!". Where does it come from? I meditated deeply upon this question and I found the answer. As usual the root of this conditioning had to be traced back to my childhood. And it connects with my aversion towards authority.

Growing up I was forced to do things I didn't want to do. I guess we can all relate to that. Nothing unusual or spectacular so far. Besides, this is a necessary part of childhood and adolescence. At the beginning of a life's journey you need guidelines. It gets tricky though once the aimless child turns into a critical thinking adolescent. Rules are not blindly accepted and followed anymore, but they need to be negotiated to some extend. And this is why so many parents struggle with their children when they hit puberty.

I remember countless arguments with my mother over keeping my room in order. "Do it now!", I hear say. "Why do I need to do it now? It's my room, nobody else but me has to cope with the mess! I do it later when I'm done reading!", I would reply. "No, do it now! Why do you never do what I tell you to do!?". There was one thought popping up in my head: "Annoying!".

I heard the door open without announcement. "Did you do the groceries yet?", it was the same annoying voice. "I'm busy drawing. I'll do it later."- "No, do it now! Why do you never do what I tell you to do?!". And once again I swallowed, obeyed silently and thought: "Annoying!".

I remember lying on my bed, just resting before I had to go to school (yes, another annoying obligation I didn't choose to take on me). The door opened again. "Did you take the trash out?", she asked. "Not yet, I will do it when I go to school", I replied. "No, do it now!". I sensed anger and frustration arising and I felt a knot in my stomach. "I have plenty of time still! I will do it when I want!" - "Do it now! Why do you never do what I tell you to do?!", I heard her say once again. And she slammed the door. The church bell rang outside. Annoying!!!

There's always a lesson to be learnt

It becomes clearer and clearer how my conditioning regarding authority developed. And as an act of rebellion I developed the habit of procrastination. "I do it when I want!" I remember myself yelling. It has been a major obstacle for me and my well-being. I had to learn to let go of this obsessive act of rebellion. Often it was a disservice to myself and to others. 

There are several lessons to draw from all of this: First, it is pivotal to know the roots of a certain conditioning that is hindering you from accessing your full potential. But that's only the first step. Make peace with what caused the conditioning. Be understanding. Every mother does her best to raise her children. Sometimes with limited awareness, sometimes with limited knowledge about communication and the art of negotiation. Be thankful. She did her best within her possibilities. Be grateful. After all, your past made you who you are. But it's time to move on and let go of the story that has been holding you back. Only then can you write a new one you desire and you deserve to live.

A major key to communicating effectively is found in the art of negotiation. Whenever I want somebody else to do something, I ask for her needs first. What's your take on this? What did you observe? What do you need? It's crucial to establishing a human connection and to creating the feeling of being understood and appreciated. It's the foundation for collaboration on any level, albeit in a work environment or amongst family members. When this first connection is established you can first talk about your observation in a neutral way in reference to her observations and conclude. You can then ask whether she agrees to the proposed terms to take care of a certain task within a certain timeframe. Always be open to suggestions! People generally support what they create. If you want people to do something, make sure they have a saying in the process. Result: They will do it with joy and motivation. 

I make sure I observe my relationship with authority closely. Shedding light on the root cause and making peace with it are the first important steps to getting rid of the shackles of the past. However, it requires constant attention, observation and meditation to take care of the left-overs. Habit is a bitch and without vigilance and discipline it can easily reel you back in.

What's your relationship with authority?

How does your relationship with authority serve you?



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First, I would like to describe my impression and contradict you about your "being rebellious" in the present. I think you are no longer a rebel, but an adult person who strives for maturity and wisdom. The self-knowledge that you describe here is an encouragement for other people.

I had to smile a lot when you described your teenage years and your encounters with your mother. Parenthood is difficult, especially if you have only one child and have to get into this role first. I have found for myself that it took me a long time to give myself authority (in its most positive sense as a guide and responsible person) and not to depend on the consent of my son. This form of parenthood, where things are not negotiable, is an art. Between children and adults there should be only a limited room for negotiation - adapted to the age and maturity of the child - and the rules are set by the adults. They should be self-confident in this. Which, of course, they are not always.

Today I observe parents who want their children's consent even with small decisions, because many suggestions end with the question: "Okay?" Instead of simply saying, "We're going to do this and that now", without even thinking about whether the toddler wants it or not. When parents talk to their children as equals (as opposed to equivalence), they do themselves no favors.

My son regularly receives my displeasure about his untidy room and I interfere in his mess because that is my job. He doesn't like it when I give him orders. I must stand above it, because it is not his pleasure I am courting. I have to learn that he does not praise me for this, but angers me. On the other hand, I give him room to negotiate where it seems appropriate and so he learns that through skilful negotiation he can get what he wants. I am often a tough negotiating partner, so that he learns that not only charm is enough, but arguments count. Persuading a mother or emotionally "blackmailing" her is much easier than a later superior. He is less impressed by it. I make mistakes and get impatient or insufferable, but that's human. Trust is what counts, and sometimes I answer my son: "You don't have to know my motives in detail, but trust me that I know what I'm doing." If I don't have this trust in myself, then my son will also have difficulty accepting my decisions.

My own attitude to authority is the following: I have no problem accepting someone who is superior to me and has his reasons for this or that decision. As far as I can influence, I try. If it doesn't make sense, then I have to consider alternatives, whether I might find another working environment more suitable for me, in which the hierarchies are not so pronounced and there is more leeway for my own decisions and actions. I don't need to run into things that I can't change at all.
I needed a long time for this insight and made many good and many bad decisions (still making silly mistakes, though:).

I now feel myself at an age when I have gained my own authority and I am allowed to do so. With it comes additional responsibility for the things that go wrong.

However, I have never accepted instructions or expectations from people who did not really fulfill their authority or thought they had authority over me to such an extent that I would not have retained my dignity if I had bowed to the instructions. In such cases I negotiated hard. And I drove very well with it. Sometimes, in youthful exuberance, I exaggerated and sometimes, in youthful insecurity, I did not negotiate enough.

How much power I give someone over me has more to do with myself than with the other person. Otherwise I have nothing against people who radiate a natural authority and quite rightly claim that they want to lead people and do so well.

Thank you very much for this extraordinarily intelligent and sensitive contribution.

P.S. I came here through @insight-out s recommendation on her blog.

Hi there! Thanks a lot for your profound elaboration. I appreciate a lot the insight of a mother on this topic. I think what you mentioned towards the end of your text is something that I value tremendously. It's integrity. Only follow instructions from someone who practices what he preaches. You seem like such a self-reflected person. I'm constantly looking for new approaches to improve my practice. What tools helped you the most in gaining all these insights? Cheers and thanks again for your valuable feedback :)

What helped me were questions from others who were interested in my maturation. It was critique I received from people I trusted or chose to trust. As well as kind behavior I observed from someone to another one. I learned a lot during my education in becoming a consultant for social affairs. I don't know if that were the exact words but our teacher asked us: "You sure you act as a person of authority or as a person of need when you command your children?"

Regarding parenting I learned a lot from Jesper Juul, a Danish family therapist who said: "Many parents do play their parenthood. They do not fill out their roles as parents but turn it into an act. They treat children as if they were their projects". I felt to be caught myself in that. It was a shocking and hurting insight. Guess, my mom also played a huge part in it as she never questioned her authority over me. The total lack of an analytical mind saved her from all the insecurities of modern people. It had its downsides, that is also true.

My daily helpers are buddhist monks and nuns to which I listen on youtube. Their lectures are quite humorous and wise. Great teacher is my son. :)

A quote I also heard: "The biggest favor you can do to your parents is not to create them."

I think that counts also for children.

Where do you take from what supports you?

Meditation :) Kundalini Yoga. A lot of breathwork to keep my ability to observe at a high level. There were many great teachers and classes I learnt from. I think my favorites were Brendon Burchard, Eckhart Tolle and Mindvalley as a whole.
While we're at it: Are you going to this year‘s steemfest in Krakow?
I‘m doing a workshop on how to get into a state of flow. I‘m going to share some of the essential tools I collected in recent years to empower the individual. Since you belong to my followers, I wanted to ask you first :) Can you make it?

What you get: Clarity on what you want and the foundation to accessing the magical flow state each and every day.
Price: Included in Steemfest-Ticket, so no additional costs
Date: 11th November 2018
Time: 11AM-1PM
Location: probably Qubus Hotel Krakow (depending on the amount of participants)
You can also send me an e-mail to: [email protected]

Much love
Meister

Oh, you are going to Steemfest. How nice! No, I am sorry, I won't be there. I wish I could. But thank you a lot for inviting me.

I bet you are going to have a good time there. Tell me later on how it worked out and what the response of the people was. Are you on discord?

I don't know Brendon Burchard, but will look him up.

Good Sunday for you & til next time.
Send some love, too:)

Well, it depends on the amount of interested people for the workshop. So far there's not enough interest. I will be in Hamburg before and would go there just to do the workshop. I just read about discord. Is there a group I would fit in well? :)

What a coincidence - I am located in Hamburg.
...

... Warte mal, bist du Deutsch?

Hast du ein Konto bei discord? Dann können wir dort chatten.

Good post.
I have to remember what I heard many years ago about the teenage rebellion. Much of it comes back to the same fights you have when the child is a toddler, except that the answer must be different!

If you have trouble telling a toddler "no" - then it's not going to work to tell a teenager "no". You put the toddler in the right direction so that when you get to the teenage years, you can begin to let go in a healthy manner, knowing that any corrections now will only be minor.

I think problems with authority are likely to stem with problems with parents... Ones who didn't set the child right early on, and were still struggling with the major steering issues later on, rather than minor nudges. By the teenage years, it really is too late.

Although, as was said already, CC0 images don't require sourcing, the best practice on Steemit is to source anyway - as best as we are able. Thanks for letting us know where the image was from.

I found your post thanks to @insight-out featuring you in this week's Pay it Forward Curation Contest. Keep up the great work!

Hey there! I appreciate your inputs a lot :) Yeah, a classic case of planting the seed I guess with the toddlers. Although I get your take on the subject, I slightly disagree with you when you said: "By the teenage years, it really is too late." Teenage is quite a wide range (10-19), so i.m.o. there's still a lot of space to navigate into a constructive direction. The older they children get, the more negotiation skills it takes. I see the biggest issue with the parent not being able to change his/her attitude towards his/her child. So a "soft, spineless" hardly turns into a self-reflected, tough negotiator. Could be though. It's never too late if you ask me ;) Thanks again for your insights :D

I have always seen "teenage" as 13-19, but that number is more open to interpretation with this younger generation.

You are right that there is always hope, but the job gets much harder the longer it's put off. And no matter what the upbringing, there's always strong-willed children/teens who will push the boundaries until they get what's coming to them (as my niece has just discovered, now without internet privileges for the foreseeable future until she shapes up her attitude and behavior!)

And yes, the older we get, the harder it is to change our ways - including the way we see others. Which, again, goes back to the fact that the main issues in parenting need to be addressed as early as possible.

Vicious cycle, anyone? :-)

Interesting topic @meister .. I think I was born as a rebel because its already in my blood inherits from my ancestors 😊 so I'd better find the top authority to address my issues. Better way to understand how to deal or cope with "annoying" in our head is to dealt with children😊

Found your post through @insight-out entry post in the pay it forward contest this week

Nice, were your ancestors actual revolutionaries? :D

Well.. in the 12-19th centuries in our history, there's always fight against the collonialism and my great grandpa from my mother side is a leader or war commander against the dutch in Aceh. When I grew up, the Acehnese fought the Indonesian Government in more than 30 years for self determination but in 2005 the peace agreement was signed and Aceh is become part of Republic of Indonesia. But anytime the Acehnese people travelling around the world, when people asked their nationality.. they would tell people that they are Acehnese (including me😂) instead of an Indonesian.

Oh why, when my mother told me to cook for viand I ran away. I cook steamed rice and that's it. 😃 During my childhood, I'd rather go to the farm or feed the pigs or take the goats to the grassland than cook. That would pacify my mother. 😊

Of course, my style with my mother is not applicable everywhere. And my answer to that would be my usual playing safe phrase "it depends." It depends on the context of the situation - who is the authority, what is it all about, where, when, etc...

I came across your post through @insight-out's article for the Pay It Forward Curation Contest. You too can join the contest.

Hey, there @meister! I loved your post and the self-reflection you shared. I was looking for an original quality post to nominate for Pay It Forward Curation Contest. I would like to nominate your post but I have a small concern about the image you used. You used an image without a permission or a contribution to its author.
You can check here for images under CC0 Creative Commons which you can use freely.

I will be really happy if you replace the image so that I can share your post and it gets more visibility and appreciation.

P.S. You wrote that you appreciate constructive criticism. I hope you find my feedback helpful :)

Cheers!

He there! Thanks a lot :) I got it from pixabay as "free download", see Link. https://pixabay.com/en/military-drill-instructor-662863/
So I'm confused...
How can I tell whether a picture is royalty-free? It says it's a "free download"...
Appreciate your constructive criticism. Always :D

While technically you don't need to list a source for CC0 images (like those from pixabay) there are some on steemit that want to see it so they know the image really is CC0. CC0 means it's free to use including for commercial use which your blog posts on Steemit are commercial (you get paid). At the end of the post it's really easy to just put a line that says Image Source: (list your source) or do it under the image.

Anyways @insight-out was asking about the image as she featured you into the contest which will bring you traffic we want to know you have all original content and your photos are either yours or legally allowed to be used by you.

Oh, it is OK then!
Just make sure you leave a note for your source so that people would know that you have the right to use it.

Great! I am making my post for PIFC then. I will send you a link later :D

So, finally, here is my post featuring yours :) I hope you like it.

I have an issue with authority when they are being authoritarian :) I don't like it when people act too bossy. I get confused about how to communicate with them. Then I get quite annoyed with myself about not knowing how to respond. I don't like following orders, neither do I like getting into a conflict. I try to find another way like joking for example :)

@insight-out: First of all thanks a lot for featuring and promoting my work :D Secondly I totally get what you are referring to with "bossy" people. Joking when confronted with authoritarian people can work, but I experienced it myself that it can be a recipe for disaster. Bossy people usually want to be acknowledged first, appreciated first. Joking can give the impression that you're NOT taking them seriously. The vicious cycle starts spinning. They get more bossy to get the acknowledgment they want and you get more "funny" to distract from the initial confusion. It won't end well. Referring to the deeper root I can tell from experience that it still takes me consistent confrontational work to disciplining myself into getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Being fine not knowing the answer. Being fine expressing that I don't know the answer. Having the courage to be stupid ;) I realized that it's the inner child who feels "not good enough" who needs to overcompensate through "knowing it all". Nurture your inner child. It's easier said than done, I know. It tends to hide deep within the subconsciousness. It wants to go out and play though without the judgment of not being enough :) So to conclude: When someone's authoritarian and humor doesn't seem to work, appeal to his/her ego, acknowledge, admit if you don't know, and nurture your inner child. Hope I could provide value :)

I suppose you are quite right about the *vicious cycle" (and all of the rest). The only thing that comes to mind to add to our discussion is that one's response to the "authoritarian" people depends on one's goal. If your goal is to accomplish something and you need their assistance - then it is OK to "acknowledge" them and feed their ego.
However, if your goal is to teach yourself how to oppose authoritarian people in an effective way - then you should do something else.
If you need to teach yourself how to subordinate, then you should try to be "in service".

You are right, though. It is all about one's inner journey and personal growth. Every situation we face help us learn and evolve, if we manage to see it in this way.

Having the courage to be stupid ;) I realized that it's the inner child who feels "not good enough" who needs to overcompensate through "knowing it all".

Oh, Gosh! I so much know what you are talking about :D

Thanks for your valuable comment!

Just to be clear, you are under no obligation in the legal sense to provide a source for a CC0 image from Pixabay or anywhere else. But it is best practice while posting on Steem blockchain to provide attribution in form of a source link for the image anyway at the end, so that a reader here doesn't have to wonder if you had permission to use the image or not. Cheers

Cool, thanks for the clarification :)

Ah, ah, ah! Looks like we had a similar childhood! :-)

Thanks for sharing this article, which I've found after @insight-out featured in an entry for The Pay It Forward Contest

Hahaha, yes, you're not alone ;)


This post was shared in the Curation Collective Discord community for curators, and upvoted and resteemed by the @c-squared community account after manual review.

I really like your posts. Following you.

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