what its like to have anxiety disorder - an open letter to my community
I had an anxiety attack last night. A full blown physical, mental and emotional demon that took over my psyche and is still clinging on almost a day later. I want to discuss what that's like because I think not many people understand or have any kind of compassion for what that entails. I kinda ramble on, but bear with me. This is how I feel.
When I am having an anxiety attack, physically I might become nauseous and tense, light-headed, muddle brained, skin crawling, heart/thoughts racing, curled in a ball trying to rock myself in grief, shaking, crying uncontrollably for hours to the point I lay in bed physically and mentally exhausted and unable to function for hours or even days. I tend to vomit negative thoughts and emotions in writing to whomever will engage in a vain attempt to make sense of my conflicting emotions, alleviate my stress or distance myself from the extreme loneliness, isolation, rejection or despair I am experiencing.
I have an anxiety disorder which rears its head when I am triggered. It's likely tied into being autism spectrum; I have a difficult time with sensory overload, emotional cues and reactions. Usually it's when I am feeling unloved, guilty, sick, misunderstood, uncertain, fearful, stressed, resentful, abused, taken for granted or ignored; a product of my childhood.
The attacks can happen anytime and anywhere. I can feel fine one moment, and ten minutes later so triggered that I barely know what happened. I can be at work, with friends, on the phone, or in the car. They can last minutes or days. I can be fine for weeks. This is a problem because people forget that I'm not normal, and when I get anxiety again, they resent it.
Even though I'm getting better at recognizing when I am in an emotional spiral, sometimes I dont even realize I'm having an anxiety attack until it's over. Most days I am perfectly fine, sometimes even for weeks or months, but if an issue arises and I am caught unaware, I can get so upset and emotionally wrecked that people don't want me around. I just never know, and neither do they. It scares me more than death.
My major attack last night was triggered by a minor statement I made that got escalated through misunderstanding, sniping and ignorance. It was a trivial thing really, but it became exacerbated to an extreme degree by a negative drug interaction that triggered a full blown anxiety attack.
I've been dealing with bronchitis and plantar fascia, and am on three different medications to control the pain and inflammation. I've had drug induced attacks two other times in my not recent past, but its impossible to predict it will happen until I know which drugs affect me. When it happens, it's like being shoved into a bad waking dream, where I know I'm acting out but I cant stop, and my brain refuses logic and calm. I can feel like everyone hates me, like the world will end and I'll be helpless to stop it. I feel hopeless. I freak out.
Most of my attacks arent from drugs but from fear, or wanting friends to care and not understanding why they dont. While the underlying emotional issues I have are often a trigger for me, most of the emotions have become sustainable. When I'm not triggered, and I tend to handle upset feelings better when I can experience slight anxiety and learn to process it first hand. I know people think i should be able to control my anxiety. They probably do it without thinking. I try to, but sometimes the onset is so sudden and intense that its like being shoved into free fall.
I know some people despise me for my "weakness". They believe I'm being willfully immature and stupid about things. That upsets me because I don't purposefully set out to be mean or disruptive, but what I react to is not always connected to the thing that upsets me, and that doesn't make sense to them. I know certain people dont want to have to listen to or deal with me, and wish I'd just leave until I get better and resolve my anxiety. This hurts, because I have tried all my life to fight this, and no one ever wants to understand how far I've come, or just accept me as I am. The part that they want to cut off is the part that helps me understand pain, creativity and beauty.
My guess is that I am pretty famous for "acting out", to the point that people think its ok to shame/blame/judge me for my feelings and downward spirals, like they are something I can control. The nature of an anxiety attack is that they are NOT something you can decide to stop, once you are in them. They tend to take over my ability to choose, to stop reacting, and leave me with such guilt and confusion that it often takes days or weeks to sort through.
Ironically, when I feel this way, some people think the best way to deal with me is to ignore me, like I am a two year old having a temper tantrum. That's kinda what it feels like sometimes, this overwhelming physical and emotional frustration that I have no control over and I cant understand. Think back to what that felt like as a child. Did you feel in control?
I know what I wanted most was for someone to just hug me and be with me, to explain what was happening, why I felt so suddenly and intensely unhappy for no understandable reason. I wanted them to tell me how to stop the pain.
What I need most when I am having anxiety is for people to understand that I don't want to be in the place I am in, and talk to me. Sometimes it wont work right away because I am in too deep and not really rational. I would like people to help me to realize that I am getting out of control, and not in a condescending way, to tell me that they care about me and it's ok, that they aren't angry at me. That seldom happens because people usually are at least frustrated and annoyed because they are having a good time and want nothing to do with me. So it tends to make the anxiety spiral even greater.
Anxiety disorders are one of the most common mental health issues, with about 40 million adults in the U.S.known as having an anxiety disorder. That's not even kids, and it doesn't include mental health issues where anxiety is secondary to aspergers, autism spectrum, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid issues, respiratory disorders, or drug use/withdrawal.
It's difficult to cope with having a mental illness because no one can see it. People with depression or anxiety don't look ill most of the time, have what seems like a normal outlook, though there may be some tiny indicator, because usually they are trying their best to fake "normal".
How do you explain to your boss that you can't come to work because you are depressed or having an anxiety attack? How do you explain to a friend that you are freaking out because some tiny thing that happened triggered an emotional fear from your childhood? There's little sympathy and not a heck of a lot of social understanding over someones apparent lack of control, so then a white lie is told, and guilt sets in, for not being able to function like the next guy. Like a bank, it compounds daily.
Each time I get out of control, I feel like people would rather I shut up, quit the server, go anywhere else but here. I'm ok if I don't have any issues, but when I'm having an attack, if I try to hide how I feel, it's like shaking a bottle pf pop. Yet I feel that would be ok with people, so they don't need to witness the freak. They prefer some fake me that pretends to be fine.
At times I feel like I could disappear and kill myself and that would be ok, people would not even care. Sometimes I want to, because I get so tired of fighting for people to notice me and love me despite my issues. When I get sick or feel vulnerable, no one can see it, they don't even bother to care enough to ask how I am. So I try to explain it, but it makes me so angry that no one cares that im upset.
People have told me I'm just making excuses, that I'm lazy, being over-emotional, exaggerating, lack discipline, a cry baby. Sometimes I try to apologize, but how do I apologize when its likely to happen again? Should I apologize to everyone I interact with every time for being who I am, for having a meltdown - yet again?
I have had numerous attacks, sometimes mild, sometimes flagrant. People get mad at me thinking that I should be able to handle them, that I am just spoiled and taking it out on people. At a certain point they all just want me to see a psychiatrist and go on drugs, not knowing that I have done both on and off for years and I can't afford either long term, that the drugs cause other physical issues like depression, apathy, and gastric ulcers that can be even worse. They don't realize that the behavior modification takes years, and a lot of times it takes several tries to find a shrink that will help without immediately trying to shove xanax at me. I am so much more aware and mellow than I was a year ago, but to others I still seem so out of control.
But - it still happens, now and then, and I can't always control it. I want to be strong, enough to not need friends. I used to spend hours crying in anger and frustration, trying to bargain, deciding to walk away, moving from state to state to escape the past, knowing that if i do that it means defeat. Because what I most want is friends who love and understand me, and because of my anxiety, it's not something that I can ever hope to have.
Maybe this will help you to understand more. I hope it will. To those that roll their eyes and walk away - so be it. I'm a lovely person, and I'm sorry that my mental illness is such an imposition on you.
links to a few of my past posts on depression, anxiety, fear and autism:
all photos pixabay cc free use
Thankyou for the insight. It certainly seems to be an issue for a lot of people; hope you can continue to work your way through it. Great read.
thank you kind sir! i see it as one of those things in life i gotta cope with, like a speech impediment or diabetes. i'd just like to bring awareness to this because I think many people don't really understand the condition. :)
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. Anxiety and depression are very real and understand what it’s like to be triggered and react. Thank you for opening up! I wish for peace and healing for you. You are loveable and worthy just the way you are 💜💙💕
thank you! it's amazing how seldom people say that to me, and I really appreciate hearing it. thanks you so much!
I am so grateful you could receive it! Lots of love 💜💙💕
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This entire post really resonates with me! I don't have anxiety as bad as you have, my problem tends more toward depression. However, I have experienced a lot of anxiety attacks, and it's only in the last couple of years that I've not had much problems with them.
I do understand where you're coming from because I've been there.
I think that anyone who has had more than a couple of anxiety attacks can directly relate to this. Unfortunately, for people who haven't experienced recurring anxiety, they lack the frame of reference to understand what someone goes through during an anxiety attack.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could just wave a magic wand and make our mental health issues disappear? Too bad it doesn't work that way in real life, we're stuck with having to deal with this crap as best we can.
I don't think my anxiety is all that bad actually, (compared to some other people). its just that in social media it tends to crop up a lot more and be an issue. I have depression too, but I am comfortable with that, because its not something that I've ever needed meds for or was such an overwhelming issue, like my anxiety sometimes can be.
Unfortunately, for people who haven't experienced recurring anxiety, they lack the frame of reference to understand what someone goes through during an anxiety attack.
this is the crux of it, and also recognizing its happening. I had anxiety all my life, but I never really understood what to call it until I was much older, because sometimes I dont get many physical symptoms. It took getting a full blown attack where I thought I was having a heart attack to really understand what was happening. I really think many people are totally unaware that what they see as a "bad case of the nerves" is really anxiety.
I'm always here if you want to talk <3
thank you Isaria, you are truly a lovely person!
Anxiety, depression and mental illness, in general, are one of the most devastating and overlooked health issues in modern times, is not only really hard to diagnose properly but it is still a social stigma, opening up about how it makes us feel and how people should react is the best way to spread awareness about this problem, thank you for having the courage to share this painful bit of your life with all of us!
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hi elfranz, i totally agree, re: mental illness being overlooked and stigmatized. and i do think the best way to raise awareness is to talk about it more, even if it's only anonymously so people feel safer sharing.
thanks do much for reading/nominating. i will try to write a bit of something for you.
Hi torico,
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yay!! thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe that such issues are still not accepted in the society even though so many people are suffering. Everyone should talk about it to spread awareness. You did a big step by making such a personal post. I am glad that I could understand how people with anxiety feel and that I can be more empathetic when I come across someone with such problem.
Take care!
thank you for your kind comment! You are very correct, such issues, even if they are accepted, are still not fully understood, and many people resent having to deal with the realities. In a way mental health issues are a handicap, but not many accommodations are made for it in the real world. It's still quite stigmatized, and although I feel safe putting it here in steemit, it's not something I'd feel safe putting out with my real name attached, for fear an employer might see it...
This part got to me the most, I wish I could type so much more but my bad screen wont let me, i do share in your pain, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find the strength to keep going.
love to you mistakili! thank you for your kind words and understanding
I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have the mental capacity to articulate your mental state and at the same time be unable to gain control of your body reactions.
It is good that you're putting it all out for people to be educated on the subject.
I have memories of people in my hometown collapsing to what were most likely anxiety/panic attacks. But, in a rural town with high levels of superstition those phenomena could be nothing but diabolic possessions, so you can imagine what the treatment was.
I sincerely wish you can get better and get the emotional support you crave in moments like those.
Keep fighting
thank you hlezama! In that way I am lucky, not to live in a superstitious place, however it would be nice if we could all be more aware - not just about anxiety or depression but about all mental illness.
hi @torico
yes, I think only those who have been there can understand. for others they are insubstantiated thoughts and useless fears that could be overcome with a bit of goodwill. but it is not so, because the demons that surround us do not see and do not feel. yet their strength crushes us and leaves us fragile, empty and powerless. I travel because in the beauty of nature, sometimes, I find peace.
Congratulations and thank you for sharing with us
thanks for reading!!