Bring Back the Bullies >>> Some of Us, Self-Evidently ... Need an Ass-Kicking (ComedyOpenMic #39)
For those who don't know, my daughter and I are science nerds. Our Dining Room has been turned into a biological/chemical laboratory and we've been researching both the cause of, and cure for, Alzheimer's Disease for eight years (when my Mom was diagnosed). I'm also an unpaid tutor, having tutored my daughter, and about a dozen of her girlfriends, in science and math since Kindergarten. The story I'm about to recount happened last year while they were in Grade 11.
*****
Last year, I attended an Award Ceremony in which my daughter, and a number of her friends (my pupils), were to receive awards. The sponsoring organization had something to do with promoting, "Women in Science."
So, there I was, milling about a banquet room and surrounded by, mostly, young and middle-aged women. A non-trivial number looked like Christmas Trees, adorned with an assortment of pins and pendants sporting feminist memes and mantras. A few Veterans of The Wars were decked out like North Korean Generals.
The Christmas Trees came in two varieties: Short and plump (the high calorie snackers) and tall and skinny (the emaciated vegans). Irrespective of their geometry, all seemed determined not to satisfy the inclinations of the 'male gaze.' A noticeable percentage of them were visibly uncomfortable with my presence ... a decidedly straight white male with a penchant for performance (we'll get to that in a moment).
One of the things that feminists really hate is men getting all the laughs. It's better, apparently, for women to congregate around a miserable old harpy, than succumb to the charms of a man who makes them laugh. You know, the exact opposite of what Nature intended.
This was meant to be a celebration of women ... for and by. No men allowed. Especially not straight ones taking the opportunity to hit upon reasonably proportionate, yet increasingly desperate, divorcees still nursing the hope of attracting a member of the opposite sex. The fact that I, a straight white male, had tutored a third of the Award Winners into the very awards they were receiving, was of no consequence ... I was persona non grata.
There was one particularly miserable old hag striding around like Napoleon at Austerlitz, bossing and berating her brood of bellicose belligerents. Old, ugly and, I'm surmising ... never married. We'll call her Ol' Gristle. Ol' Gristle seemed determined to capture the souls of the up-and-coming, award-winning high-achievers who were the subjects of the ceremony.
But Ol' Gristle had not counted upon the presence of Satan Himself.
These were MY GIRLS and if they were Women in Science ... it was because of the indefatigable efforts of a MAN ... and tough shit for those who didn't like the ideology-deflating implications of the insight.
The girls had been called off for pre-presentation preparations and so I was left to entertain the ladies. Make no mistake, I'm not an apologist: Males perform to get the attention of females and I'm no exception. And so, I found myself cavorting with a group of four or five women (none of whom were sporting feminist paraphernalia) while the gals dutifully laughed at my jokes ... hence, committing the ultimate feminist sin of demonstrating that men and women can enjoy each other's company despite our inherent (and yes, stereotypical) differences in personality.
Ol' Gristle approached our little group and started handing out 'Smash The Patriarchy' pins and brochures. The women in my group accepted them, politely ... placating, in hopes of vacating.
When Ol' Gristle got to me, she stopped, stood silently and stared steely-eyed straight into my soul ... pausing, perhaps, to pray for perdition.
And then:
Like gargoyle's demeanor; on it, Notre Dame,
Limped off like a Hunchback who shared the same name,
Tales of torment, tyranny and toil,
Desperate for damsels, debauched and despoiled.
A couple of the women in my group shrugged and half-smiled.
Half an hour later, everyone was asked to take their seats around the 40-50 tables set out for the occasion. My group grabbed a table about half-way back from the stage. Ol' Gristle and her cadre of Christmas Trees occupied all the prime real estate upfront (they'd been coordinating while I'd been cavorting).
The 'All-Womyn' speeches began (for those who don't know, they spell it that way so as to remove the word 'men' from the word, 'women'). A medley for the maniacal, soliloquies for the psychotic. The Patriarchy was everywhere, mansplaining womyn into submission and servitude.
Most wars are decided by a single, decisive battle. Such battles are as much symbolic as they are strategic and the battle between Ol' Gristle and Satan was about to come to a symbolic head.
The first Award Winner was called out. As she approached the Award Presenter, about three-quarters of the room started to applaud. But not Ol' Gristle and the Christmas Trees. They started doing ... Jazz Hands.
For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, certain luminaries on the Far Left have decided that 'clapping' is 'triggering' ... you know, like being hanged-and-quartered or being skinned alive.
The original solution to the crisis was the introduction of 'finger-snapping' in lieu of applause but, alas, that too was eventually deemed too traumatic. And so, eventually, these thought-leading empaths developed a whole series of silent hand gestures meant to protect the "Safe Space-ed-ness" of those with psychological micro-fragilities.
Here's what this shit looks like in action (it took me a long time to find the best video to illustrate the point, so all of you had damned well better SING ALONG ... and I WILL KNOW if you don't (@cryptogee) because it's a catchy tune that will effect the tenor of your commentary):
As you can see from the video caption, this was Occupy San Fransisco in 2011. The psychosis has spread. Apparently, flailing around like a lunatic in need of lithium earns you social justice street cred:
"Look how sensitive I am ... to sensitivity."
Everyone has a Line of Incredulity beyond which they become ... incredulous. Wherever mine is, Jazz Hands, Spirit Fingers and this miscellaneous assortment of Shaking and Quaking, is beyond it. Triggering? Let me tell you what triggers me: Stupidity. I do not suffer fools gladly. I'm more than willing to admit that it's probably a character flaw. Loonies, competing for the spotlight in the Theater of the Absurd, light my fuse.
Anyway, getting back to the Award Ceremonies. As the presentations continued, a showdown started to occur between the Clappers and the Jazz Handers. Ol' Gristle started glancing around, staring accusingly at the Clappers as if they were camp guards at Auschwitz. Disturbingly, some of the Clappers began to wilt, folding under the pressure to comply: With looks of embarrassment ... they started Jazz Handing.
If you'll excuse the salty language, I was ... FUCKING HORRIFIED.
Immediately, I started Thunder-Clapping as if I were the Norse God of Lightning. In response, the Christmas Trees increased their Jazzing and Jiving, Shaking and Quaking, silently thrashing about like saplings in a hurricane. One of my pupils was called. I assumed a false baritone and let loose a roar like a lion, "Ooh Ra," that would have impressed the most jaundiced of Drill Sergeants. The Christmas Trees whipped about, mouths agape, as if they'd just been juiced with a cattle prod.
The showdown continued until it came to a crescendo when my daughter was called out for her award. As she crossed the stage towards the presenter, I let out a war-cry like Mel Gibson in BraveHeart while thunder-clapping so hard it left my hands bruised for the better part of a week.
In the end, Satan Himself prevailed. A room full of middle-aged mothers became Satan's Spawn, enthusiastically applauding the hard-fought, and well-deserved, academic accomplishments of their daughters.
The ceremonies wound up and with a look of pure hatred, Ol' Gristle evil-eyed me as she hunchbacked back to her bell tower.
On the way home, I got a tongue-lashing from my daughter for having, yet again, created a spectacle.
Some of you, I suspect, may be thinking, "Quill ... you overreacted. What's wrong with accommodating the increasingly sensitive sensibilities of society?"
Perhaps you're right.
But here's what they have in mind for a 'Standing Ovation.'
Quill
You guys know the drill. Be verbose ... but articulate.
And remember ...
Go Love A Starving Poet
For God's sake ... they're starving!
I nominate my good buddies, and astonishingly gifted linguists (both possessing incredible senses of humor), @girlbeforemirror and @d-pend, for participation in this @comedyopenmic Contest.
Hi quillfire,
Thank you for your entry in to #comedyopenmic comedy contest. We have asked the judges below to review your entry and give it a funny rating. (They generally have no sense of humor, as the saying goes, those that can't do, start contests and judge).
This will determine your ultimate position when the results are tallied. (That being said, you are free to adopt any position you wish - we can recommend pantsless with beer in hand.)
Judges:
If you have any questions or queries please feel free to contact one of the judges or come say hi in discord: Click Here
Thank you to @matytan for the great banner
Womyn? That's a bit too much, honestly! I would have done the same as you, clapping hard for my kid, ignoring the old had. Jazz Hands?! It would have had me cause a scene! lol
I don't know whether to laugh or cry! , but par for the course, I'm choosing laughter mixed with sarcasm.
If I'd have been there, those womyn (is the plural womyns btw?) would have been mortified with my hootin' and hollerin', my mooning at your hilarity, and my male-like bellowing, all the while questioning if I was one of those cute dykes on bikes kinda gal😂
I think I also might have continually asked you throughout the evening, loud enough for them to hear, " Do you think I'm pretty?" haha
And Jazz Hands?? Ugh!! I'm offended and anxiety ridden with the stupidity of it all.
@lynncoyle1,
Hey Lynn ... so good to see you. More than 24 hours since posting and you're only the second commenter. Where is everyone? While I'm used to earning next to nothing, I do expect to create conversation!
Anyway, my daughter and I were reminiscing this afternoon about this incident and she said I should organize a Contest based upon the last video (the Standing Ovation).
All participants would have to replicate those moves and post a video. I wonder how much I'd have to offer in Prize Money to get a decent level of participation? The problem is that, as the organizer, I'd be honor-bound to make a video too. Steemit turns us all into whores ... but this would require selling my soul? :-)
I hope you and Brian had a good visit with your family.
Quill
Whore. But if you choose to spell it like teh hore, no one will notice 😊
Quill, you're so inthenthitive! And Ass 9. You failed to give a proper trigger warning. Something like "idiocy ahead" would have been appropriate, or, more straightforward, "Warning: Feminist sighting, close range."
Seriously, this would have been a traumatic event for me. I still don't get how hand clapping is a trigger for anyone. What is it about clapping one's hands that is supposed to be traumatic? Is there some sort of pandemic going around of women being hand-raped? Well, I'm 52 years old and I've never been in a roomful of jazz handers, so it's never occurred to me to research it, an activity I get super-thrilled about most of the time in the same way that many folks get a hard on for the mention of a football game. I like football too, by the way, but if given a chance to research something and obtain some new knowledge I did not have before, well, I'll do that instead. I guess I'm a nerd.
At any rate, I decided to Google it seeing as how I'm deprived. I found this. Oh, autism. So jazz hands is meant to accommodate the 1% of the population that is unfortunate enough to be inflicted with a disorder on a very wide spectrum (the hand clapping only bothers a small percentage of that 1%).
I have a grandson with Asperger's Syndrome. Hand clapping doesn't bother him, but when he gets frustrated, angry, or otherwise addled, you'll have a hell of a time talking to him--especially if you raise your voice. So, the patriarchs of our family (my wife is the one who discovered this and educated the rest of us--and I'm really the only patriarch), decided early on that we wouldn't yell at him. Some members of the extended family think we're too loose with the rules because we don't. Nevermind that 100% of the alternative methods we've tried to get his attention and teach, correct, and discipline that we have tried actually work better than yelling, which, of course, is completely not true of his little sister who is not on the spectrum (for some reason, yelling actually works better for her; spanking too, interestingly).
It never occurs to these social apparatchiks that jazz hands may have an equivalent effect on some visually impaired individuals that hand clapping has on the less-than-1%. What if someone said, "I can't go to your feminist rally because when you do jazz hands it causes me to have migraines?" They'd blow their stacks!
You, however, missed a golden opportunity so busy you were with obtaining a few cheap laughs.
At this point, you should have cleared your throat and said, "Excuse me, Gar?" or a more appropriate "Pardon me, ma'am" might have been an easier pill to swallow, "May I have one too, please?" That would have done two things. First, it would have heaped coals of burning coal on the head of Ol' Gristle. The patriarch? Polite? Manners? The nerve! Secondly, she'd have found herself unable to refuse. She'd had to turn, walk back, look you in the eye, and actually treat you as an equal, otherwise run the risk of losing face with her intended audience, the young ladies you were impressing. That would have given you much more cause for ingratiation.
Verbose enough?
@blockurator,
Block, your analysis is spot on and as far as the Social Justice crowd is concerned ... that's the problem. You're using logic, reason and rationale. Your employing the Enlightenment Ideal that belief, and subsequently behavior, ought to be predicated upon providing evidence-of-the-assertion.
As you've undoubtedly noticed in my many posts, comments and replies on the subject, I'm vehemently against "Ideological Thinking," irrespective of its source (Far Left or Far Right ... a lot of what underlies cryptocurrencies is Anarchism which I have argued is an Ideology).
Let's get our definitions straight: Ideological Thinking is the assertion, stated as an axiomatic First Principle Truth, that something is Absolutely True ... in the absence of supporting evidence, and even in the face of a mountain of contradictory evidence. To an ideologue, such First Principle Truths are unquestionable, and to question them, is blasphemy. These ideologies have all the hallmarks of a religion.
(Let me hasten to add that not all religionists are ideologues. The New Testament, for example, is replete with admonitions about Faith being predicated upon 'belief in the absence of evidence' ... and hence, it is being truthful in its assertion. Some religionists take this at face value, admitting that they don't KNOW for certain that their religious beliefs are true but believe them anyway. BTW, science is replete with scientists harboring beliefs based upon a hypothesis ... they believe something is true, but admit that their hypothesis is yet to be proven.
Other religionists, however, are ideologues, starting that the DO KNOW that their beliefs are true ... because it says so in the Bible (the Bible is their evidence) ... even though the Bible itself clearly states that Faith is the belief in the absence of evidence. Circular logic.)
The spread of Ideological Thinking is far more pervasive than many people believe. The Democratic Party in the US is in the midst of a Civil War, The Establishment Democrats (Center-Left) vs the Progressives (Far Left ideologues). Educational systems, from Kindergarten through Graduate Studies, are under a constant barrage by Social Justice activists. The term "Identity Politics" is a reference to this phenomenon and the debate about Political Correctness centers upon many of these themes.
To give you an idea about how bad things have gotten on college campuses, I would refer you to The Heterodox Academy. This Academy was recently founded by some of the top College Professors in the United States, including the preeminent professors and authors, Johnathon Haidt and Stephen Pinker (arguably the most famous and respected Social Scientists alive). They are joined by 2,300+ other professors of various political leanings.
As Haidt explains, universities must choose: Either stand for Social Justice (ideological activism) or stand for Veritas (evidence-based Truth). The organization now ranks US universities on this basis. I would HIGHLY recommend the following video to anyone seeking to understand the basis of the political/cultural conflict on modern-day campuses and in modern-day society more generally.
Jonathon Haidt's Explanation: https://heterodoxacademy.org/one-telos-truth-or-social-justice-2/
Quill
Actually, what it says is faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). Depending on the translation, it may use "assurance" and "conviction" in lieu of "substance" and "evidence," or similar words. The verse has nothing to do with politics, social justice, economics, or anything of the sort. It's recognized by theologians as a statement of spiritual reality similar to "the proof is in the pudding." You want to know what parmesan tart tastes like, the best way to know (and I mean "to truly know") is to taste it. All the flowery words in the lexicon can't get close enough to do it justice so just try a bite. That's what faith is. It's a "try a bite" spiritual reality.
The problem with faith is when people try to misapply it to areas where faith isn't proper evidence. Scientists make observations then form hypotheses and test them. Depending on the outcome of their tests, they may form theories. No scientist in the world, not even Christian scientists, and no Muslim scientist, no Jewish scientist, nor any other religious scientist would even make a scientific claim on the basis of faith. And all of us know why.
People of all stripes don't understand what these terms mean. That's why you hear religionists dismiss sound ideas as mere "theories," except that theories are widely accepted ideas among a huge cross-section of scientists who have tested them, made observations, recorded data, and have solid reasons for forming their conclusions. What you often find in the area of politics is people making claims that can't be substantiated by evidence--because there is none--nor faith--because there's no "substance" to their beliefs. They simply make assertions based on what they want to be true, and they believe that if they believe it to be true strong or long enough, then it will be true. Unfortunately, many of them call this "faith," which, of course, it isn't.
By the way, there are different kinds of evidence. The legal system looks at different types of evidence (circumstantial, physical, etc.) when solving crimes. The civil law arena has a really murky view of evidence, but jurisprudence has its own culture. Historians look at archaeological and other types of evidence when drawing conclusions about their line of work. In politics, there's no real clear way to determine what is evidence, so people just make shit up and call it evidence. As you noted, they do it on the left and they do it on the right. And the funny thing is, they each rightly dismiss each other's cockamamie ideas while simultaneously holding their own up as some kind of badge of incredible honor. And we have a Constitution that protects everyone's right to do this. Huah, power to the Magna Carta!
I am sharing this xD haha
Upvoted resteemed!
@jacinta.sevilla,
Thank you so much for the support. It was great fun creating this post. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Quill
Sounds like that place is my worst nightmare and then you mentioned the occupy crowd. All of who wear nike and Adidas runners and protest against globalisation . Ughhhhhh. I will clap loudly at this post in honour of your rebellious acts.
Posted using Partiko iOS
@blanchy,
I have to admit that with all the jerking and jiving and flailing about, I hadn't noticed their shoes. Indeed, they could have had hooves and I probably would have missed it. The irony in your comment, albeit sadly true, is that defending hand clapping has become an act of rebellion requiring ovation. What has society come to when THAT has become the measure of a man?
Quill
I was royally amused with this story
And the "Womyn"... hahaha
I wonder what your daughter said to you hahaha
Too cute
@kaerpediem,
My daughter is about as anti-feminist (by feminist, I mean 'radical feminist') as one gets ... and so are 90% of her high-performing, award-winning girlfriends. Science Fair Winners are now approximately 70% girls and there is a female majority in most of her Advanced Science Classes. Her only male rival for Valedictorian ... is her boyfriend.
Where's the Patriarchy? Where's the Oppression? The girls are drowning is college solicitations and scholarship offerings. Indeed, a number of them have expressed anger that the boys are being noticeably short-changed.
The only science-related classes that are skewed male are engineering and computer sciences. The teachers trip over themselves trying to convince more girls to enroll ... but the girls stubbornly refuse. Why? They find them boring. When you try to sell them on the subjects, they screw up their faces in looks of disdain bordering on disgust. Being stuck in front of a computer screen all day, every day, doing nothing but writing code is simply not their idea of fun (and, to be honest, it's not mine either).
Respecting my daughter's tongue-lashing, it was short-lived. She agreed with my sentiments completely and we actually laughed most of the way home. It was more a 'matter of style' ... I'm more 'extroverted' than she is and 'causing a scene' is not in the least bit problematic for me. My daughter's a bit classier than her Dad. :-)
Quill
Love your relationship :)
Wow, that is a hilarious story. They let you in there to begin with?! How???
I thought the clapping = triggering thing was made up at first... clearly you were being serious. That's insane. I love how you just ramped up the enthusiasm in response. Wow, what a great story, I'm still chuckling. I think you're gonna do OK in this round of COM ;) (see your assigned judges)
@dollarsandsense,
It's not easy being me ... stupidity is a heavy burden.
As I mentioned to Lynn, my daughter and I were reminiscing about this incident and she said I should organize a "Standing Ovation Contest" (last video). I think, though, that that would require an unusually large SBD Prize (remember, this stuff stays on the blockchain forever).
To test people's willingness to humiliate themselves in public for money, I'm putting the final touches on a segue Contest ... a somewhat lesser public humiliation for money. It is so utterly stupid that even I'm surprised.
What's great about this Contest is that all my reject ideas for Poetry ... gets to be recycled for ComedyOpenMic. I've just doubled my production efficiency!
Quill :-)
HAHAHAHA!! The Thunderclaps of Thor!! If I didn't read that in the office at work, I'd be howling right now - funniest thing I've ever read but I loved it - tackling stupidity by summoning the power of the mighty thunder clap! Get some ice on those bad boys, they're gonna need it for next year - perhaps a year of training so a single clap will create a sound wave so vast it will shake whatever soul Ol Gristle has left into submission.
Clapping = triggering... Can't help but feel we have an organised group of trolls here!
Great stuff, would have loved to have been there to watch it unfold!
@nickyhavey,
Hi Nicky. Keep in mind that this is not just more American ding-a-ling-edness ... it's happening in the Ol' County (yours) too.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/oct/05/jazz-hands-at-manchester-university-the-calm-behind-the-storm
One wonders where it all ends? When do the delicates simply have to toughen up?
I have no sense of smell. Should people stop wearing perfume and cologne because it reminds me of my lack of olfaction ... and speaking of olfaction, why should I have to wear underarm deodorant (or bathe more than once a month for that matter) ... body odor doesn't bother me in the least? What about all that swirling of wine in a glass in your olfaction-enabled melodramatic display of bouquet appreciation? I'm triggered. Perhaps you insensitive bastards could stop writing all those damn poems about the fragrance of a rose?
Many tall girls would like to wear fashionable high heels but are reluctant to do so lest it further increase their unusual stature. Should we ban high heels? NBA basketball players often have to duck when going through doorways due to their height ... so, tear down all the building and start anew? Most people can't sing worth shit (yours truly) ... should we ban songs so that the musically inept won't feel disadvantaged? Perhaps all those with hair should submit themselves to being shorn lest bald men feel inferior.
Everyone has problems and everyone has to adapt to compensate for something. The modern-day 'victimhood culture' has become a pathological celebration of weakness and vulnerability. Here's a link I included in my reply to @blockurator's comment.
I highly recommend people watch it.
https://heterodoxacademy.org/one-telos-truth-or-social-justice-2/
Quill
Perhaps we should teach these yokels how to laugh at themselves. I am a proud member of the Garden Gnome Society. In fact, its president. At Thanksgiving, my two-year-old granddaughter saw a garden gnome on a shelf in my living room (it's a bookend) and said, "Poppy!" Obviously, she's referring to me. Does it in the hard, too. At 5'7-1/2" tall, I have a salt-n-pepper beard a little on the long side with a balding crown and a pot belly. I am the poster image for short plump balding men. Do I do cry about it? Nope. I laugh at it. And am the proud owner of a website named Garden Gnome Publications. Short round men get no respect. Big deal.
How's the weather up there?
@blockurator,
Here, here!
If it's any consolation ... that was EXACTLY the height of Napoleon Bonaparte!
Quill :-)
And the closer he got to Waterloo the chubbier he got. I think he was a garden gnome!
@quillfire
Ah man, I know these kind are in the UK too and it burns my eyes reading about it and hearing them talk. I'd even go as far to say that I feel parts of my intelligence literally being eaten away by listening to them.
PC? PCoff more like! Everyone has issues like you say and most of the population with those issues just get on with life because life goes on. Unfortunately, it's these types of Ol' Gristlers that make the most noise (no pun intended ref: Jazz Hands).
Like I mentioned, can't help but think this is an organised group of trolls. Imagine the Olympic Games or any sporting event where no-one was allowed to cheer on their team or celebrate a win. My goodness, jog on!
When these kids enter the world of business (if they do) then they may well have a shock (as I did after leaving University having been there for 10 years, clapping away in the labs) - read the article but not the video in full.
Jogging on...
No kidding? Jazz hands. A new one on me. I guess I just dont out much. What if jazz handing triggers me??? lol
@old-guy-photos,
What If ...?
How could it not? If I were giving a speech and the audience started Jazz Handing, I think I'd have a hard time concentrating. It would be like watching a bunch of zombies file into the auditorium. How are you supposed to ignore that? Are they going to start eating other audience members? Do I, the presenter, have a moral obligation to sound the alarm?
"Ladies and Gentlemen (which, by the way, we're not supposed to say anymore because it is 'cis-gendered' ... it only acknowledges 'two genders' and therefore is traumatic for those who self-identify as centaurs or some other recently-invented DNA-defying body morphology), there are flesh-eating lunatics in your midst. For your own safety, please make your way to the exits."
Quill