"I am bored in my marriage. How can I refresh my relationship with my wife?"
I will present this topic slightly differently than I regularly do with questions and answers. First, the question as it came to me from a young man, then my reply and following that a comment from a woman who wanted to contribute to our discussion. After which I will add my ending statement. Those of you who are married are welcome to add your own tips and wisdom in the comments. I think this post will help many, now and in the days to come.
Credit: picemiyeti
Hi,
I have been married for five years and everything is fine. We love each other, have two lovely children, good health, and successful careers. Everything is really OK but sometimes I feel though that something is stuck in our love life. It is as if we lost the great passion; life looks stagnant and I want to move it forward. I want to renew the feelings we had. Can I do something?
John
Hello John,
Boredom in a relationship usually appears when you think you know everything about your spouse. Your need to know more, in itself, comes from a continuous deep desire to get to know your own aspects. At first, when you meet a new person you fall in love with what they have to offer to you in regard to revealing hidden parts. Intuitively you feel that the person will greatly influence your life so you fall in love with them. After some time, while that person "has served his/her purpose" you intuitively, again, feel that your spouse won't have anything more to contribute to your progress. Intuitively, you then seek other people that would reveal to you more hidden aspects that comprise your soul self. This dynamic is one of the main causes for the collapse of monogamy in our era.
Both of you can indeed do something. One of many remedies for your situation can be "secrets sessions", when you and your wife spend time together, without interruptions, feeling safe, relaxed and secured and choosing to reveal secrets to each other from the past, either before you got married or after.
...and don't think that there are no secrets. There are clearly known and conscious things that both of you have not dared to share with each other. For if you had dared you would not have to ask your question now.
Make sure you share a meaningful secret; one that propels you to feel uncomfortable, to question yourself and above all the reason for holding back until now.
Secrets sessions will surely move a lot of energy. If you and your wife truly love each other then your relationship will greatly benefit from the experience.
Good luck
Credit: pinimg
Following is a comment from Sharon, a young woman who was a witness to my chat with John:
Dear John, as I read your question what jumped out at me was to make sessions with your wife that are very much still dates like those before getting married. As a woman and a mother I can tell you that one often longs for the passion of the dates before marriage and before the children. To feel that the love of your life still feels that longing of conquest. The passion of marriage often ends because for some strange reason one feels that the conquest is final but to me the eternal feeling of love is there always if one knows that one will never tire of seeing every morning the wonder that one saw the first moment the love appeared.
Life will feel stuck only when we forget where we have come from and remember how far we have already come. To grow up does not mean to quit being all that we have been up till then but it means that now we are child, teenager and adult and as such we are much stronger. The now moment is our past combined in the present creating wisdom and the future is the many potentials of that wisdom already gained.
One more thing, sometimes success in life makes one forget the child that is inside, the teenager. Romance belongs in the child becoming an adult and even if we go beyond that in some ways, we must always keep that wonder of childhood alive so love will never end. This also makes not only our spouses most happy but it makes the parenting part of our lives a delight. May your life be always full of dreams and conquest!
And here is my closing statement -
I agree with Sharon's advice. Besides, role-playing and changing identities boost up any stagnant human system and in particular intimate relationships.
However, this may be applied only after a stable relationship has been achieved. I would not recommend "conquest" experiences during the courting time since such experiences might easily turn into games of duality in which one side (usually the girl) limits herself in thinking that it's the other side's job (the man's) to conquer her.
Such thinking is a serious limiting belief.
When one wants to be conquered then one automatically makes himself/herself inferior to their conqueror. Whereas such status may be appropriate to refresh the game of romance, it might be fatal to any relationship in its first steps.
Be cautious.
שאלה מעניינת. נתתי עליה פעם את דעתי.
אחת הסיבות היא ציפיות.
מבן הזוג אנחנו מצפים שישלים אותנו, שימלא את הפערים שיש לנו בלב, שיהיה מוצלח, חזק, אמיץ, מפרנס, מדהים, משובח, מאהב... את מבינה לאן אני חותר... וכשהוא לא עומד בציפיות, באופן טבעי, הקשר דועך וכך האהבה. כי הלא מה זו אהבה אם לא סוג של תקשורת.
עם ילדינו אין לנו ציפיות לקבל מהם מאומה. הנתינה הבלתי מותנית להם טבועה בנו, במיוחד באימהות, ולכן האהבה כלפיהם רק הולכת וגדלה. כמו כן, אנחנו רואים בילדים שלנו יצירה יציר כפינו, אנחנו מטפחים את היצירה הזו ועם הזמן ככל שהיא גדלה ומתפתחת אנחנו אוהבים אותה יותר.
יש כאן לקח חשוב. אם נצליח להתייחס לבני הזוג שלנו ממקום שאינו רציונלי=ציפיות
הקשר הזוגי יתהדק.
ניתן לראות ב"זוגיות" כיצירה משותפת ואז נתאהב בה, נטפח אותה. הסוד של זוגות מאושרים, לדעתי, הוא היכולת לשלב ידיים ולבנות את הישות הזו, שנקראת "זוגיות" יחד.
You have responded to the amazing thing @nomad-magus, i'll add a little tip
Here are some tips to avoid the boredom of married life.
1. Always strengthen motivation Married is worship and is part of religious guidance.
This motivation must always be strengthened in husband and wife at all times. Married is not to try or play, or just to channel humanity's desires. But there is a very basic motivation that causes husband and wife to build family life.
**2. Build a comfortable and pleasant communication Convenient communication becomes the key to the happiness of marriage. **
The many differences of opinion between husband and wife that occurred in a long time can make the relationship becomes tenuous and not harmonious. Husband and wife should be able to build a comfortable and pleasant communication pattern, so as not to create a tense and boring relationship. Every day is colored with a light chat that refreshes the atmosphere.
3. Build mutual interests Try to build common interest with your partner, so that the relationship becomes more harmonious.
For example, husband and wife together pursue a particular hobby or interest that benefits the family and society. Both developed the interest so that it became a fun together fun. Just a hobby of gardening in the backyard, planting vegetables or fruit or chili, take good care, and the results are made to friends and neighbors. It will keep away from feelings of boredom.
4. Always maintain the intimacy of the relationship Age of marriage as well as biological age need not be a barrier for husbands and wives to always keep intimacy relationship
Husbands and wives should always take care of the intimacy of relationships, using romantic words, romantic acts, and trying to try new things in intimate relationships, so it can always be enjoyed all the time
5. Always improve appearance and service Although no longer newlyweds, but not to ignore the kindness of appearance and service.
Husband must be very pleased to see the charming appearance and satisfactory service of his wife. Similarly, the wife would be very happy to see a neat appearance and a pleasant service from the husband. Although age is older, do not let the appearance to be disheveled and unattractive to the couple.
6. Have a sense of humor and art Art taste and sense of humor is important to maintain family harmony
Husbands and wives who live mechanically, have no sense of humor, do not have artistic taste, will easily get caught up in boredom and saturation of married life. Sometimes it takes spontaneous activity that makes surprise and happiness for the couple.
7. Always be grateful for what is owned Be thankful with what is owned now.
Alhamdulillah have a good husband, have a good wife, have good children, have adequate facilities, and so on. One of the reasons for divorce is because feelings are never satisfied with what is. Husbands and wives are always demanding more than their partners, feeling never satisfied with the couple's condition. Look always good and positive side couples, to be able to be grateful for what is in him.
Many will benefit from your advice 👍
Thanks @nomad-magus
you are the best and hopefully useful for many people
Enjoy the happiness of married life up to an unlimited time, forever, throughout our ages.
You respond has a great point, I might want to take it into practice when the boring time comes. Sharon's response was amazing. I completely agree with her. Just waking up seing my other half peacefully sleeping next to me, waking up with her smile on her face, trusting me with all her heart makes me happy. There are many other things you can do to freshen up you relationship. Take a small trips as a whole family. Nature, therm Park...
Keep inspiring. You are my reporter "at the field" , with your hands on experience 😊👍
I once read that the forbidden is the desired and although it is not directly your vision, I feel that what you say is that as long as the mystery exists, there will be magic... Life as a couple is absolutely difficult, as long as there is no respect and communication and a little tolerance, I feel that boredom can come when you somehow influence it, couples should always seek to reinvent situations that strengthen the bonds, this of having new things to discover sounds attractive, But normally I am transparent and I leave nothing to tell later, after reading you, I can see my mistake, in short, the couple must have time together and this alone time becomes difficult if there are children in between, I do not marry, but I imagine that to avoid boredom is good to experience new things, to avoid falling down, happy late, thank you for sharing
You are not necessarily wrong.
Like you, I believe in total transparency! I believe that when we are revealing the basic, superficial issues, the details of our life, the so-called skeletons, we make room for grander mysteries to come forth.
So many couples are wasting years in fear, hiding issues from their partners, or keeping secrets to themselves in order to spice up their love life. They lack the trust and awareness that the greatest mystery lies in their inner selves, and there is an infinite field of expansion.
Two people, in love, who commit to each other, who trust each other, who are open to each other, can embark on a journey over the seven seas, way and beyond, which will never end. Can not end.
Thanks for your inspiration to make this comment 🙂👍
and in fact I think the road is wonderful, whenever it is accompanied, only we do not always know what we want and with whom we want it, I think the right person comes, but you are not always aware of it, thanks to you for always transmitting good advice, happy day
Hi, I want to tell you a little about my experience.
I have 6 years of relationship with my partner, 1 and a half years living together.
I understand that feeling of boredom, my advice is to change totally discover new hobbies things that always wanted to try, in our partner we see ourselves reflected.
AND PLEASE NEVER STOP DREAMING TOGETHER!!
a hug from Venezuela.
My advice for John;
It’s natural for relationships to show a certain ebb and flow over time. If yours is at an ebb, with couple counseling you may be able to keep it vital and fulfilled for many years to come.
Couple counseling can work and if you're not making progress on your own, talking to a professional can give you a much-needed perspective. Lay out the problem as one involving boredom, not conflict, and you're likely to get very different advice than if you were trying to figure out how to argue less often. In fact, by addressing the boredom piece of the issue, you'll be much less likely to suffer the more deleterious consequences of conflict. A professional counselor can help you learn to tell the difference and get you talking in ways that keep the interest factor strong and alive in your relationship.
These are indeed well written piece of advice but I beg to differ in one of the points you raised.
My spirit doesn't go well with this one. I believe in letting the sleeping dogs lie especially when I an 100% sure my partner will never get to know. Most times we raise dusts ijbout marriages that Naver gets to settle and these secret sessions are one of them. If my wife has a secret she knows I will never get to find out and that will hurt me. I would prefer not knowing about it at all since I will never get to find out because telling me might make me see her in a different light.
At this point, some personal might asume I am immature but let's not forget that people are different . I am very emotional and this like that would get to distabilize me and my marriage and I am preety sure it's same with others.
However, I love the advice of the lady. We should always eager to awaken the child within us when we get married. Many couples, perhaps out of being successful, tend to act too mature for their own good and it begins to affect their marriage. They don't get to play and tease each other anymore. They get too serious minded that the spice of marriage disappears .
This post will really help many as I would be looking out for other comments to learn from here.
Right. this is the whole purpose. when you see her in a different light, your attraction towards her grows. But I know where you are coming from, being emotional, you prefer no drama in your relationship.
Generally speaking, secrets are destined to come out at some point. So my expereince tells.
@Sistem, I got your point, some secrets are good at secrets.. Smile
But, I suggest you try and know everything about each other before marriage, forgiving each other before marriage.
Revealing some secrets inside marriage can actually break the home rather than building it. I am emotional too, but I love talking about things.
Let cry together if need be so that we smile together.
great job bro.
This is one of the biggest challenges faced by marriages all over the world. Mr. John only serve as a voice to ask the question on behalf of so many others who are facing with the same issue in their marriages.
Here is my own little contribution, I hope it help.
In line with the advise you have been given by this two great mind, add effective communication to it, ensure you talk about everything.
This almost go inline with revealing secret to one another as suggested by @nomad-magus but here is a slight difference or addition.
We need to speak out each time our spouse step on our toes, don't try to forget it until you talk about it. Let him or her apologize where necessary and let it go afterward.
Trying to keep them to yourself thinking you have forgiven him or her is capable of drifting you far away from him or her because it will lead to bitterness in your heart. It would get a point where he or she would be used to the act that is making you buttered. What do you do at such time, you would be thinking of keeping distance from what is bringing such pain in your heart. That's how it all normally start.
No matter how little the offense is, take time to discuss it together. The benefit of this is that, you will be able to forgive him or her completely and again, he or she would see it as a no going area, with that, you guys will be new to each other everyday.
The other part of it is praise, if he or she does something worthy of praise don't view it as normal, ordinary or his or her responsibility. Praising him or her would go a long way in him or her repeating such a thing that makes you happy. Tell me, if it is possible to drift from the one you are happy about, o no.
We always find a way to stick around what makes us happy.
Thanks @nomad-magus for this great work you are doing. I'm glad to be part of this already
There are no perfect relationships & the feeling of falling out of love for long time partners is sometimes the cause of separation. However, if you spend a few days away from your partner just like in the lyrics of a song "even lovers need a holiday far away from each other" & then do some thinking. Do you see your life without her/him in the future? do you see yourself happy without her/him? Then think of the things why you loved her, the things that you like about her. Remind yourself of the good old days when you are just starting in your relationship. For sure you'll miss those good all days and when you're back from your holidays take her out on a date and remind her of your very first date. 😊I hope that this can bring back the spark in John's love life. Thank you very much @nomad-magus! 😊 Based on my own experience this worked.😉😊
Reading and learning👍
Big man @nomad-mogus thanks for the great article concerning marriage.
Let me bring this from a Christian perspective, the salt in our marriages does not have to lose the taste and this clearly informs us from how far one of the partners will have fallen from the original set up and vow during the marriage ceremony.
Matthew 5:13-15.
This clearly states the reason why many marriages either thrive or go down an d in this we have to understand that if our marriages are losing the freshness as before, then there is an influence of a third party and this determines how far the marriage will go. I have come to understand that the devil is the factor as to why we ought to be very careful.
We very well know that Ephesians 5:25 teaches us husbands to love our wives and them too to submit to their husbands and therefore it is the cardinal principle on which the mystery of marriage stands. As said in the article, there are few things which normally lead to loss of pleasure and freshness in marriages and these are below
We all know that the moment a lady wants to be on top, it will be going aginst the entire plan of God and that means falling away from the truth and this is so common in the current generation where money is the rule of law.