I fucking hate you and I want you to die
shoutout to @zerokun @qurator @brumest @ewkaw scrooge and a guy from 5 months ago whose account I can't remember.
It is a 4:47am fucked up rant where I'm crying over my pitiful mentally unstable self in the hopes that getting this out of my system will somehow make me feel a little less dead inside.
I have asperger's syndrome. It's somewhat like autism. You can watch netflix's atypical series to get a glimpse of that. Except their protagonist is a lucky son of a bitch compared to my reality.
So yeah I have a psychiatric condition. I'm 30 years old and I could never get a job. I live with my wife yet we live with my mother whom, by the way, is the person I hate the most of'em all.
This brings me, a mentally ill person who knows a little bit of what's being depressingly ill, to tell you, @brumest, that you're fucked up in the head. Fuck you. You went fucking psycho over the tiniest little shit. You went out of your way to intentially irritate me in that other post. While @ewkaw showed up just to tease me some more as if that whole shit didn't mess with my head enough as it was. Fuck you. I hope you die, fuck you. You bring me hatred into my heart.
AND I'M REALLY TRYING HERE! I'm doing the best I can to get enough money to have SOME financial independence. You think I spend 16 fucking hours a day on steemit just because I love it? Yeah I love it, but I barely do anything else other than thinking about what I should post next and how I'm gonna pay the $100 credit card bill that got up to that number because my cat is eating more food than usual since he's always sad since I don't pay attention to him because I'm always fucking working or playing some game to escape from all the stress.
You know what else I do? I get on faucet sites who give me like 0.05 usd total for every 20 times I enter each of them. I do this the whole fucking day so I can send that to my steemit wallet. I do this 25 times a day, so I can at least withdraw daily.
My life is a piece of shit and I hate it. The other I met @zerokun whom I decided to help a bit and got him into steemit and taught him some stuff and every now and then I asked him for an equivalent trade on steemit and even made some offers which were good for him yet he still turned me down. I got really angry because I was helping him since he told me his life wasn't very good - or maybe I imagined he told me - and cussed at him. He replied with "don't kill yourself soon :)".
And then I host these brawlhalla tournaments for fun on my discord where I wanted to give prizes to the winneres and half the ntrants make fun of me. Every time. I gave up on it yesterday after I got mocked once again.
So unfortunately, from the depths of my heart, I hope you all die. Preferbly before I eventually kill myself. Fuck you. Including you, @scrooger, who threated to flag me if I wanted to go public with the shit you guys made me go through.
Did you know I've been crying during the whole time I read this text? Pathetic, isn't it? I AGREE AND I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL. FUCKTARDS. I HATE YOU. my heart hurts :(
edit: writing this helped a bit
ps: I also have a truckload of physical issues and even some serious hygene problems. I'm extremely thankful to my wife for not leaving me. anyone else would have.
Go for a huge walk .....all day. Listen to something like History in 100 objects on headphones. At first all your frustrations won't shut up so indulge them and let them run free. The podcasts will play on. Eventually you will start listening to them as deep down you are quite the curious wunny babbit and your head will race in a different direction. Hopefully something will inspire to run home and write something or check it out. Don't do it yet. Find something to share with your wife. If there are any wild flowers pick them. If you see something interesting take a photo of it, even if your camera is shite. Maybe even find something for your mother who you don't really hate but are just too close to and recognize something of her in you. (which is really annoying). The problems will still be there when you get back but at least you made some time to try deal with them.
Before that you can curse Sugarfix who "doesn't know you" and stick up the middle finger because he is an ass. However you go for that walk anyhow as it will be good to escape the claustrophobic hellhole for just a little bit.
I am also very thankful to your thoughtful response. I would consider it but I can't go very far because of my current health issues and it would be extremely unsafe to do so in my city which is one of the most dangerous places in the world to be out in the streets. Heck, not even justs because of how likely I am to get mugged, there's also the way I look like I'm on drugs all the time because of my different behaviour which can attract police offers to pick on me and likely take me to the police station having me locked up for a while.
I would really like to do all the things you suggested, though. So before anything else I should thank this random Sugarfix guy "who cares" and be very, very sincere while at it. Thank you, @sugarfix.
Alright brotha listen, after reading your message my heart goes out to you. I am a special education teacher who works with children on the autism spectrum. I have students who have struggles adapting to life changes, socializing, and maintains steady employment after graduation. I am more aware then most of some of the issues you’re struggling with.
Please know that there are resources available to you that are a part of your States battle towards mental health. Please contact your cities representatives and ask for assistance. Tell them your concerns and they will guide you toward the resources to best help you. The amount of work you have to do is sizable and stressful. Gaining your independence is a primary importance and there are people who can help.
I wish you luck my friend and hope you seek this advice in stride and understand that I have students that are just graduating from my school in very similar circumstances. Please my dude take charge and seek help. I am here to support you the best way I can.
I am very thankful for your caring response. Getting those feelings out of my system through this post made me sleep like a baby. I try my best against my struggles but sometimes they get the best out of me. Unfortunately there's pretty much zero public health care in my country, and it's even worse when it comes to psychiatry.
Since you are a special education teacher, I suggest you watch Atypical if you haven't. It's uh, it's really accurate. I do not believe it represents autism in general, just aspies. Aspies and autists are somewhat alike and that's why we were put under the same category, but while autism "affects" people differently, what makes aspies an aspie is exactly the same, and it can be seen extremely well represented in the Atypical show.