I have wanted to write about this yoga journey for a long time, but have held off as I'm not sure I could adequately explain the intensity of it, maintaing a balance between honesty about the morality of the practice and it's failings, and my absolute gratitude that it has been part of my life. However, @soyrosa asked, and how can one say no to her? So I had a quick search of my Facebook memories and lo - something like fifty status updates included the word 'bikram'. Considering I don't post on Facebook anymore, that's a lot. I'm glad I did, because many of them brought back memories that I had forgotten. In 2011, I wrote on my Facebook wall over a week, four status updates show the begginning of my crazy, demanding and mostly rewarding journey into the world of Bikram yoga.

May 6, 2011 Going to first Bikram yoga session this arvo! scary. Anyone wanna come?
May 7 2011 Second session bikram - AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
May 8 2011 Omg bikram is an absolute killer!!!!
May 11 2011 Bikram gets rid of all the weeks craziness :) awesome!!!!!

Within a week, I was a Bikram torture room addict, an addiction that would last around four years until I was too injured to continue, and I gradually realised that there were other practices that were going to be much more nourishing, supporiting and spiritually uplifting than the old 26 plus 2.

26 + 2 is the specific, regimented, ordered asana sequence 'created' by Bikram Choudry and brought to the West, a yoga pratice that earnt him millions. The '2' are the pranyama that begin and end the class, or breathing exercises, and the 26 are the postures. Some of the poses are repeated twice. Each one is performed in sequence, in 90 minutes, in a class heated to 35–42 °C (105 F). Hence the moniker 'torture chamber' - it's a painful, arduous experience that quite often leaves you in a crying puddle on the floor. The heat has one blessing at least - amongst the sweat, no one can see you cry.

No one can see you cry if the sweat is hiding your tears

What we loved about Bikram at this point in our lives was it's ability to allow us to let go and stop the thinking mind. We were both in very high stress jobs which required much from us. When we stepped into the studio and rolled out our mat and lay on the floor, we had 90 minute ahead of us with no demands at all, except for the teacher's dialogue. There was also the security and comfort of knowing that the Bikram dialogue was exactly the same. The teachers, having been directly instructed by Bikram himself, had to learn the dialogue verbatim without adjustment. Sometimes, it made little sense - how exactly does one 'lock the knee', and what exactly is a 'japanese ham sandwich'? But little revelations would come over time - lightbulbs where one began to see exactly how to move the body in equilibrium in, for example, dancer's pose - reaching forward and kicking up at the same time without toppling over. All you had to do is give in and do exactly what you were told. In that way it was like a cult - but there was a great relief in just relinquishing oneself to the process. The stress of my life just evaporated every time I rolled out my mat.

Camel Pose - we called the feeling of exiting ustrasana a 'camelgasm' because it felt THAT good.

There was nothing quite like getting to the end of a session and lying in savasana. The joy that flooded over you, the release of cortisol, was like nothing else - it was invigorating and energizing and uplifiting in a way no other physical exercise (aside from surfing) had ever been for us. We lost weight. We drank less. We ate well. There is nothing like the anticipation of feeling ill to make you adjust your habits - I only did Bikram once on a hangover, and never again. What you ate smelt on the body. Sweat told no lies. We became flexible, lean and strong. We practiced six days a week, moving to the front row where only the expert yogis practiced. That was the expectation - one needed to observe others by practicing in the back row, and lead the class if you were in the front. No one wanted the distraction of someone lying down when they should be doing padangusthasana, or wiping the sweat away (because it doesn't help) or drinking water constantly (because it makes you sick and is just a distraction).

Front row was also terrifying in it's way because Bikram is practiced with wall to wall mirrors right in front of you. There is no escaping the physical body in this practice. You can see all your flab and wobbles up close. If you don't learn to love your body after a few years of Bikram, you never will. Not only that, you practice in hot pants - the less clothes the better. I never thought I'd wear tiny shorts in a room full of people ever, but there I was, half naked. In public. I started to feel a sense of joy that this body could do things I never thought I could do. I started feeling happy with this self in the mirror. Then, the mirror just became a place to check my posture, to check my alignment, rather than a place of horror. To this day I laugh at the memory of Dad spying himself in the mirror and thinking there was an old man practicing next to him, then realising this man was him. Yep, that's right - my Dad, at 60, was also a Bikram addict. They even took his photos to advertise their studio. Never too sick, never too old, went the saying. There were a lot of different 'types' doing this practice.

Sometimes we'd meet people on the street that would say hi and you'd have no idea who they were, because they were fully clothed and sans sweat. They wouldn't recognise you either. Yet friendships were formed in this adversity - many chats in the foyer about our experiences and tips for success.

I wrote these exact words in 2014, reflecting on how strong the practice had made me:

Today I marked and marked and marked essays. Doesn't seem so long ago that I was doing the same thing but i was in agony with my back and having to lie on the floor and stretch and totally cry in pain. Yesterday I practised yoga in between my Dad and my husband, front row, feeling so totally strong and healthy and blessed. No back pain (not the worrying kind anyway!). Bikram has been such an incredible journey and though sometimes it's tough (tonight I was almost foetal by the end of it, wishing someone would just lift me up and transport me to bed!) I am so, so grateful for this yoga at this time in my life.

It was in this practice I learnt about the breath, and how to regulate my breath to mirror what I wanted to feel. Short, sharp breathes were not going to get you through. Slow, steady, even breaths could get you through the hardest of moments. Breath was everything - a lesson I never forgot and carry through with me to this day. No matter how hard life gets, breath can save you. I learnt how to push through pain, and suffering, and to achieve things I thought weren't possible. All one had to do is persevere and breath. I also loved the shared oneness - whilst we would not look at each other in class so as not to be distracted, there was a strong sense we were all in it together. Everyone was going through their own world of pain. The stronger, better classes? We were all in unison, drawing a felt, psychic support from one another that was empowering. I learnt about how to control the reactions to sensations that would arise - the mind chatter that would tell you it was too hot, you were too tired, you just couldn't. I have never been so able to concentrate and focus as I have in that room. I loved learning something new in an evolving personal practice. I loved practicing non-attachment - letting go of the outcome. Just because you had an awful day didn't mean you'd have an awful class. Just because one day you had an awful class didn't mean you'd have a bad one the following day and vice verse - if one day you nailed a pose, the next day you might fall out of it. I could breath better (I'm asthmatic, so that was a big deal for me). Sleep was easier. I had more endurance (the practice works your heart better than you can believe yoga would). It made me - us - feel stronger, fitter, healthier. We never got colds. We had more endurance. Sex was freaking awesome. We were less affected by life and had more grace in stressful situations.

And then eventually, the spell was broken.

But that's for tomorrow's post.

Have you ever been a Bikram yoga addict?

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