Wanted and Waiting: A Writing Impact Poem
Painted with coffee by Michael Aaron Williams
I tried breathing.
She tried averting her gaze, tried to
Her eyes fell to my hands, fell to
I wanted to breathe in the smoke curling from her cigarette, I wanted
She took a sip from my coffee, making a face, I like it black and she
I wanted to
Her hair and her tobacco and her coffee. I could taste
I leaned across the table, littered with magazines, with casting calls, with
She laughs a little, she listens a lot.
I kiss her mouth. No, I kiss
She bobs her head to the music from the guy outside. He takes cool drinks from the crisp autumn air and sings about
I want to love her, but I don't know her. She doesn't know
I'm a shipwreck and she's an aeroplane, I'm waving
My mouth doesn't work. She wants
I touch
She sings
I laugh and then it's back to
She leaves her cigarette butt in her coffee. I imagine how that must
She smells of dirt and closeness and I want to
She leaves the shop, we wave, we smile and then I
She gathers the courage to kiss me about five seconds too late.
I wanted
~
Thanks for reading! This is a poem I just kinda regurgitated for a contest. It's like the poetry version of what Carlo DiPalma does with his cuts in Deconstructing Harry. I wanted to see if I could create half a painting and allow the reader to fill in the rest. We'll see how well it worked! Love you guys, and God bless! <3
Finally read this, Caleb, and - well, don't hate me for saying this, but of all your work, this - right here, is by far your best, I think. Everything great about this piece is uniquely yours. The gifts you bring, Caleb - those odd, half-thoughts that ought to be distracting, but there is so much intensity and motion there, it drags us with these stops and starts and ultimately, we're grateful for having taking the trip.
I'm glad you liked it! And I don't hate you for calling it my best, I'm definitely flattered. Thank you for reading!
Mind... blown! This is amazing. You did a great job at grasping the readers attention and immersing them in this moment. Two thumbs up!
Aww shucks, thanks! I’m glad it turned out okay. <3
This is beautiful although I fel as if the ending was a bit rushed? but that is just my perspective, good work!
Thank you! I'll have to re-evaluate that ending I reckon. :P
:D:D:D
there's a tangible disconnected feel to this that mirrors the juggling of disparate thoughts and experiences present in every instant to a conversation in a busy place.
I appreciate the nature of allowing the reader to finish, or leave thoughts hanging - to exist in the instant of the snapshot, the photo, or be pulled into their own moment. In my mind, it mimics what you conjour, the complexity of the moment, thoughts and conversation.
Really enjoyed the read, @caleblailmusik, thank you for the share.
Wow! Thank you for your comment! I always love it when folks read deep enough to really talk about it, ya know?
Absolutely understand - I think I got more of the feel because I was checking out some of your music on your bandcamp while reading - the album that has the cover from (if I'm not mistaken) a DC metro station - U Street?
But yes, wanted to best understand before commenting. I know Steem doesn't really incentivize that, but it means a lot to me and with the time and effort that goes into crafting a piece like this, I want the writer to know that someone saw that and took the time and effort to understand it as best as they could and give proper thanks for sharing the human experience.
All the best, my friend!
Wow! It's so cool you looked up my music! It's neater that you guessed where that photo was from XD My Mom took the photo on our trip to D.C. and I found it when putting the original playlist together. I had a different cover before, but it involved my now ex, and I assume she wouldn't want her likeness on the internet like that :P
I lived in DC about 4 years ago, so I could remember that station, even though I didn't take that route often - such a cool design.
And yeah, good call on the old photo, good sir!
Not only did you change the game in this challenge, you changed my life by opening up my mind. I am at the beginning stages of writing my first Steemit Fictions Series. I write from vision and feeling and although I knew the main characters name and I got the just of her character and storyline I still did not have a good grasp on who she was because she is a complex character (fast forward) so the first thing I did this morning was to read your entry in this competition. It left me speechless and floored, this coupled with the fact that I leaped for joy and bowed when I first saw that you had entered the challenge (Yes I Am A Fan) But the style of this one blew me away. and I immediately saw my main character who speeks in poetic 1st person style, as the story opens she is only half of what she could become...And everything clicked and fell into place. So thank you very much for your entry that is so so fresh, giving and easy to love, WOW! Also @caleblailmusik the Steemit Fiction Series I am launching soon is a collaboration also, I would love for you to be apart and write for one of the characters. Let me know if you are interested and you want to talk more. Thanks.
Wow! I’m so glad my work gave you that kind of revelation!
And I’d be totally interested in writing a character!
Thanks for reading :D
Riveting. Reads like wanting someone. The jerking focus mimics the chaos of that feeling.
Thank you Ducks! That was quick!!
And that was definitely the goal! I'm glad you enjoyed it and, like, understood it!
We sweet old ladies were young ladies once, my young friend. Nice poem, well done.
Oh, I wasn’t saying I didn’t think “you” would get it specifically, just reading back over it I could see how it could confuse anyone that’s not me. XD
Dis is nice.
You done did good, kid. The imagery is wonderful.
My voting power is garbage now, but thanks! You crack me up :P
Glad to be of service, kind citizen!
Oh no, you’re doing the super hero thing again. :P