Fear of Ostracism Causes Loss of My Voice

I fear rejection, so I kept quiet

I have been living in this way for many, many years. The fear of rejection is so strong but subtle to the point it's been controlling my beliefs and behaviors but I don't realize it.

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Fear of ostracism is the fear of rejection, isolation and criticism. It's the source of fear of public speaking.

Rejection comes in many, many forms. In my life, I've been isolated by my university course mates, I've been rejected in interviews, I've been rejected in love & relationship and I've been rejected for being myself.

However, that's not all. There are more beneath the surface of rejection. It's not just someone said "NO!" to you.

There's something deeper.

Where does the fear of rejection comes from?

Fundamentally, I just want to belong but what does it even mean?

I just wanted a place, a community, a partner that accepts me as a person. Accepts my opinions, my interests and my way of life.

And when I want to belong, I tend to conform

Conform to the majority point of view.
Conform to norm.
Conform to the process.

Just because it's something everyone else is doing. But that doesn't mean it's right, or it's "you".

What is it that you, yourself really wanted to do?

Question, don't conform
Think, don't react

This is where I lost my voice. At times, I wanted to say "No, I disagree" but I kept quiet.

So that I can avoid these responses like,

Why do you disagree? We're already late.
Majority wins, you lose.
Then what is it you want?

Each sentence directed at me is like a sharp sword that pierces through my heart. I take them personally, instinctively. But my friends meant no harm. It's my own judgement saying I have been rejected.

In the past, I have tried to disagree but I was ignored or rejected. Perhaps at that time, deep down inside me, I was telling myself "There's something wrong with me. Why did I said I disagreed? I should've kept quiet and follow them."

"Judgements are what we create, not receive" - Tifa Ong

My past has created a belief that "Behaving out of norm is Rejection, so be Mediocre".

Then, the workforce has taught me the word "politically correct". I learned it the hard way though especially dealing with clients and bosses. In order for clients and bosses to accept my opinions, I have to be "politically correct" so that I don't hurt their ego. But being "politically correct" is not my voice. It's plainly my defence system for rejection.

I just wanted to belong and be accepted.

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I can't believe I have been living this way for 27 years, not voicing out my true voice.

“Personal incongruency is what causes so much of our pain. Not being you will destroy you.” - Tim Denning

I've been avoiding pain, but I'm in pain.

I've been avoiding suffering, but I am suffering.

For not being me, for not daring to speak up for myself. It's not about "It's okay, it's no big deal. I can just follow them." but every time my opinion and behavior is incongruent, I feel like a piece of the "real" me turns into ashes.

I've got to regain my voice back.

In order for me to do that, I have to shatter my own belief - Behaving out of norm is Rejection, so be Mediocre. And replace with,

My voice matters.

Be myself for I am enough.

It's not whether you like me or not, It's about I like you or not.

Do what I believe is right.

I know this is tough and takes time, but it's simple. It's not as complicated as it sounds.

But How Am I Supposed to Conquer Fear of Ostracism?

You don't cope, you don't lose, you thrive over fear of ostracism. What I'm about to write is scary but simple. It takes DISCIPLINE and A LOT OF EFFORT but it's always this,

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As always, I believe you hold the answer, and only you can tell yourself what to do. My way is asking the right questions to yourself and you'll figure out the rest. Same goes to me.

1. How would I behave if I have conquered my fear of ostracism?
2. How would I behave if I voice out my true voice every single time?
3. What my role model would do to conquer fear of ostracism?
4. What would I do now?

Paint a picture in your imagination. If you said "Confident", how does "confident" look to you, are you standing straight, speaking clearly, hands on the sides, eyes looking into the other person's eyes?

This is an activity for you and me. If you're facing the same problem as I am, share your answers in a post and comment here. I will share my answers in the next post.

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@tifaong writes simple and positive practices and ideas that you can learn (or re-learn) and apply in your life immediately. She covers life lessons, self-help, relationships, and motivational contents. Her mission is to spread positivity so that we can live a happier, fulfilling life.

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