Yes, I Maybe Anti-Social
Someone I call a friend recently told me that I am anti-social. A dying part of me wanted to argue so bad but whoever I am becoming knew he was telling the truth. Nothing ever felt that controversial within me. We were having lunch while catching up so new conversations shadowed that one but somehow, it lingered in my memories long enough to haunt me on my trip back home.
Fate would ironically conspire with the weather to have me stuck in a traffic jam for more than three hours with my unsettled thoughts. I obsessed over his words and what I have been the most part of my life, which is 'social'. Oddly, I noted to myself, I feel much okay the way I am currently than what I felt then.
But why did you change this much woman, I asked myself.
This question took me back to when I was 'social.' Back then, my friend from lunch didn't know me and boy, am I glad he didn't. Being a social person for me was my way of running from my suffocating thoughts. My way of 'pretending' how fine or okay I was. It made me feel normal and normal was something I hungered for.
Normal came with enticing advantages that gave my younger version the wrong idea of what 'real freedom' looked like. I think I assumed if I helped cover my being abused and be overly pleasing... That translated to 'maintaining connections' which I felt I couldn't do without. Toxic or not. I truly believed in keeping my family intact only that I can thank myself for it half a century later, after appearing on a 'marriages that last' show or article. Its what good women do, yes? no?
Social meant having many friends and for someone who was looking to avoid being alone with their terrifying thoughts; it was a plus for me. I became a pest who couldn't survive the demons in her mind. I made bad jokes about my life and health to mask what kept me up at night. How close an early grave often came to claiming my soul or permanent disability.
Anti-sociality came with me looking to heal past wounds and to feed my starving entity with everything starting with much-needed self-love. It came when I realized it doesn't matter how big your inner circle is but who is in it. That's also when I outgrew intoxicating connections whether 'blood' or not. Family or otherwise, I learned to shield my soul from negative energy. I'll avoid you if I have to!
My anti-sociality came to life when my amplified NO found it's way to the ears of those who thought my tongue never discovered it's pronunciation. After understanding that my journey is scared and in even its own imperfections, no tongue should tarnish it. I too can never tarnish someone's else journey.
I am nothing but grateful that I am no longer 'social'. And no, I don't hate people if that's what you are thinking :D I just think... A healing soul can't afford to waste all the energy consumption it requires to be flashing fake smiles.
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