How Do You Feel About Sex with More Than One Person, Open Relationships, Polygamy, etc?

in #writing7 years ago

Having sex with more than one person at the same time is a fantasy I'm pretty sure everyone has had at some point in their lives (even if they won't admit to it) ... It is certainly a fantasy of mine, and my wife knows it.

I still hold onto a hope of coming home one day on my birthday to find her with a friend of hers waiting for me on the bed. This will never happen, but a guy can dream, right? ;P



 
It's Thursday, which means I write about something controversial, so if you like discussing controversial topics, set a reminder to check my blog every week on this day ;) My favourite thing, which will be a common theme, is the human mind and the various belief systems that it assimilates in order to live in the universe it has found itself in. It doesn't matter if you agree or disagree with me, I'd like to know what you think.

 
I guess the best way to start things off is with this question: What are all the possible ways in which we can love each other?

When I think of love, the first thing I think of is two young people staring into each others eyes. The second thing I think of is two old people, staring into each others eyes... And then as I think further, I see mothers with their babies, siblings holding hands, childhood best friends playing together, teachers filled with pride, cops and their partners, side by side, etc.

Ultimately, it seems obvious that love is a diverse spectrum and people feel it and express it in thousands of ways. So it's bewildering to me to see how most people define love very narrowly and set down limits in their minds, for others and for themselves, about what types of love are permissable and which aren't.

This post is not going to be about gender differences, but I can't write about this without briefly touching on the subject: My own view is that anyone is entitled to love anyone and express their love in any way they choose, as long as it is consensual and does not harm anyone else. Fullstop.

What this post IS about is something more specific: Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time? Can a 3-way or 4-way relationship work? What about open relationships? Or scenarios like my fantasy above - a one-time occasion of a couple having sex with a friend?

I'll start with open relationships because I've had (a little) experience with this. My ex-girlfriend and I had been together for a year when she asked me if we could have an open relationship.

I didn't want it, and she was disappointed but accepted it. Six months later (after she had asked about it a few more times), I agreed to let us try it out.

I regretted it almost immediately and a week or so later, told her I didn't want it anymore. She was suddenly going out with her friends a lot and hooking up with other guys. While I did try once, and it was a pleasant experience, she was definitely getting a lot more out of it than I was, and I couldn't handle it. I asked that we go back to exclusivity.

But she didn't want that, and basically said it's either this way, or we wouldn't work out. Five months later, after some crazy fighting, we broke up for good.

You see... On an intellectual level, I feel that open relationships are, in fact, the ideal way to have a relationship. But what I didn't understand back then is that once you've already developed an emotional attachment to someone with an understanding of exclusivity, changing to an open relationship is almost impossible.

 
But if you START with both parties understanding that it is an open relationship, and both agree to the rules (talking about and setting rules is very important), then it could work magically, and I think it is a pity that so few people do this. (Indeed, I've said that if I were ever to find myself single again, I would only have open relationships.)

As for being in love with more than one person at the same time, again, intellectually, I feel like this is 100% possible. But things are stickier with this one. I can certainly imagine falling in love with someone else while still loving my wife. The reason I think this doesn't happen (with me and most people) is that we actively try to prevent this from happening. Our society is based on monogomy. So we're all socially programmed to expect our partners not to go falling for other people. And heaven help them if they do!

This is why cheating is so widespread - Biologically, we're meant to be polygamous. But social programming (and social structure) limits us and stunts our emotional maturity so that we simply cannot handle multiple loving (and sexually active) relationships. I think emotional maturity is the key... Just trying to deal with one person in a relationship is already taxing for most of us... Imagine adding more people to the equation!

I'm no expert on this so yes, these are my amateur musings which I hope you will add to in the comments.

Lastly, one-time threesomes... Well, really, if my wife could just wrap her head around the idea, I don't think it would be harmful in any way, and might even be beneficial for us. A one-time threesome could very well become "sometimes threesomes"... But again, talking about rules before the fact would be crucial. I'm not sure if it would be better for the third person to be a friend, or a stranger (probably found online on a dating site).

But like I said, it is highly, HIGHLY unlikely that that is in the cards for me ;P

What about you? How do you feel about all this? Have you had any interesting sexual/emotional experiences you'd like to share? =) Leave a comment, or even better, make a post about it! ^^ I'd be very interested to read about it.




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Great post I just followed you 👍

You really do like controversy! On love: I believe we all have multiple soulmates. And love has less to do with sex than a full blown relationship. Sex with multiple people is easy and can be a lot of fun as long as no one in the party is possessive. (I was active in the late 60's early 70's. what can I say.) But when you start asking everyone to participate in a relationship, it gets complicated.
I can love and lust with two different people, but to expect them to have chemistry together is a long shot. Alcohol and drugs may help.
Monogomy isn't natural and that makes it difficult. Which is why the divorce rate is so high.
Also, society seems to accept a threesome involving two women much more easily than a threesome involving two men. Why is that?
Love is easy. Sex is easy. Tying the two together is what causes more problems than anything else I can think of.

Hehehe... Indeed yes, I feel that there is still too much in the world that is taboo in certain circles, and breaking taboos can only be a good thing. Sexual taboo especially - it is the cause of a lot of sexual abuse.

I often wish I'd been a teenager of the 60s/70s =) ...

Sex with multiple people is easy and can be a lot of fun as long as no one in the party is possessive. (I was active in the late 60's early 70's. what can I say.) But when you start asking everyone to participate in a relationship, it gets complicated.

Yeah, that's what I was saying... With today's society, true 3-way (or more) relationships require levels of emotional maturity that most people simply can't achieve. I can envision a certain future, kind of utopian, in which everybody is very self-aware, and mature, making these kinds of relationships not only possible, but desirable. (They exist already today but have a hard time of it because of the stigma).

As for threesomes involving two men... I think it's the way boys are raised. Their softer sides aren't encouraged, which includes intimacy with other men. This is one thing I really like about Brazil: Everybody hugs each other in greeting. I tried to hug my friend who came over to visit me a few years back (I didn't even think about it), and he was like "Whoa, what you doing man?" ... lol.

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Awesome, thank you very much! I'll head over to the curation post now to check it out =)

Hi @mandelsage great post but perhaps that first image should have a nsfw tag.

Quick note polygamous relationships aren't necessarily the most natural this style is just one way to spread aroung your genes in an attempt to increase the number of offspring.

Monogamous relationships are natures other effort to increase offspring survivability in a polygamous system paternal identity is in much more doubt which reduces male parental investment.

In monogamy with that higher level of parental investment from both parties the offspring had increased support and increased survival odds.

The best solution is the one that has the best offspring survivability given that that vast and overwhelming majority of successful cultures around the world have a monogamy systems we can see which works the best.

That being said I say live and let live, get your freak on

That being said I say live and let live, get your freak on

lol... Most verily.

Yes indeed, someone has read their Dawkins! ;P (Actually, I don't remember if he speaks about human relationships - and I've read most of his stuff, lol) ... I know about the evolutionary advantages of monogamy... What I'm wondering about it whether this caused general levels of emotional maturity to narrow down, so that now we're only able to handle being in love with only one person.

And I wonder if in a few hundred years, we'll perhaps develop a society where having up to 4 parents becomes normal. Or something even crazier, with the way science in genetics is going...

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