The Wizards betrayal – A Concept Fantasy Story - Part One
The forest is ancient and isolated, the air cool so it felt good when filling the lungs.
A slight breeze carried the strong scent of oak, a flock of bargery birds took flight creating a commotion as they took to the air, unfortunately revealing Nathans general position to his pursuers.
He pushed his way through the dense terrain, looking to hide and seek protection of the trees. With inches to spare, a mages fire ball crackled and shattered the bark of a nearby Nargoo tree, striking so close to Nathan’s face he felt his flesh sizzle.
“Stop, make it easy on yourself Nathan” the wizard monk Bargee bellowed from far behind.
Ignoring his words, frightened and running for his life, Nathan dodged and launching himself over brush and log. Another fire ball, this time stronger and much more intense, smashes a rock to his left, leaving a permanent black char and obliterating the lizard that once stood there.
The forest was biting, striking and unforgiving to Nathan grabbing and restricting his movement, branches and thorns tore at his meager robe and chewed into his flesh as he forced his way through.
Nathan could hear the voice of his pursuers grow closer, people he knew, people who he once called family, now the enemy hell bent on his destruction.
I know I'm not the world best fantasy/Sci-fi writer (my spelling and grammar is a bit rough so this won't help).
This is the first time I have attempted to write a book (if you don't include Interactive fantasy/IBT - choose your own adventure style posts I do).
If the Upvote for this first concept page is doing good (say at least $5), I will continue the story and commit to posting story progress every day or so.
If it seems like It will just be lame and yet another wannabe writer on Steemit; I'll drop the idea and move on.
Cheers and please feel free to be honest and leave a reply
lordnigel
Nice choice of words.. easy to understand..
first line filled me with awe, I want to fill my lungs with that breeze too...
nice plot.. want to read more.. one page at a time.
Cool - thanks mate
...lets see what others reply with, I have a bit of anxiety about writing something I have zero experience with on a public blog like this..
you are good.. buddy.
great so far, keep it up.
thanks, Ill try for a bit longer and see how it goes I guess :)
Loved reading this. I noticed you are from Straya!!! So come and join our South Pacific Community (AUS/NZ) on Discord.More info here. You heard that right -Teamaustralia + Teamnz have moved to an own Server! Come and hang out with us, also I will promote your contest there!
Cool, I dropped by - will stop by now and then and say hi.
Cheers
keep working, and do not despair every success requires struggle and sacrifice, good luck @lordnigel
Some good points, I'll try to keep this in mind.
Thanks
This is AMAZING brother. Your writings are so clear and interesting that I can imagine a whole scene of the story. Wonderful Write up!!
I am RESTEEMING it as I wanna read more of it. :))
Thanks bro! your always so supportive.
I think I made it a bit short? I just know I have so much to read already on Steemit to keep up with everyone, I figured people would just want something brief - pending other comments, I might do one more so people know I will keep it up. I guess then its up to the Steemians to let me know if its worth the continue:)
Yeah! It is a bit short but I think it is perfect for an opening chapter, Just like a trailer, Where we see a glimpse of whats going on but don't know the whole backstory. You wrote it beautifully brother. :))
This looks like an intriguing story and I wager everyone wants to know why Nathan is running away from his family? And What made his family his enemy?
for me you are a very great and professional writer
Cheers - I'm just learning, like this is my first go at a formal fantasy/sci-fi novel
Interesting start :)
Pro-tip: for online just call them chapters or parts or something, as the "page" can go on forever unlike in a print book ;D Also, pick a tense, you switched from past to present for a little bit halfway through.
After that it's a bunch of little grammatical things. You started and finished at good points though, nice hook to draw people in to see what happens, and then leave them hanging for the next section :)
Thanks for the great tips - hopefully helpful to other inspiring writers who see this as well
I have:
-updated to part one vs. page one
-had a shot at fixing pass vs present ...its really hard.
-people would have to accept poor grammar etc, i figure if the story is engaging they might excuse.
Cheers
I can crit this one more if you want crit (I went really light and super easy because I'm not sure XD), or you could look into the Writer's Block group if you really want to get better. But I won't spoil your fun if you just want to write :)
I'm not sure yet to be honest.. kind of just trying to see if I can write an interesting story I guess; perhaps let me play a bit and I'll yell out for some more crit :)
Great stuff so far! This could be the beginning of a fantastic series!
I'm slowly working my way through Oathbringer right now. If the setting and characters of this story were changed, I'd be hard-pressed to tell the difference between your writing and his.
I will say right off, however, that I am not great at offering negative feedback so you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. I really enjoyed this, though and I can't deny that.
Thanks mate - yeah there is a lot lacking in my writing/grammar etc..but I'm just enjoying sharing a story.
I do go back a day or two after my posts and try and proof read fix up a bit - but yeah, I'm no a pro writer and pretty bad english.... Sometimes life just gets too busy..
I'm glad you like though...will checkout some Oathbringer stuff as well :)