Radical Revision — An Experiment in Writing
I have a trilogy of novels that have been evolving over the years. It’s the first story I wrote, so my craft has grown since then, but I keep going back to it.
FALLING THROUGH THE WEAVING is the first of the World Tree Chronicles, a time-travel sci-fi/fantasy romance with dragons and gods. It’s an epic saga, and I’ve written four full-length novels based on this world and collection of characters, but the first three books aren’t where I want them to be yet.
I think I have a plan to change that.
This is a mockup I designed over a year ago for a possible cover. It will change (a lot), but at least we have a working image for the story until I take the time to make a better one.
I did purchase the stock images for this, just haven’t gotten around to redoing the design. Need to find a different font. Not sure if I’ll keep the woman, choose a different model, or change the image all together. Might need to make her hair darker. She needs to be more badass.
What do you think about people on book covers? Yea or nay?
The muses have awakened.
I’ve had ideas brewing for a radical revision of this book, wanting to make my MC (main character) more edgy, which will involve a massive rewrite. I’m laughing at myself, because I know how much work I’m about to dive into, but I’m looking forward to it anyway.
In order to have something to post about on Steemit and actually get any writing done, I’m going to post my revisions as I write them. In this initial post, I’ll give an example of how the book previously started, and then give you the new beginning I just wrote.
I am open to feedback, writer friends. I might not take every suggestion, but part of this experiment of posting my revisions is my hope for reader input.
Here we have the opening paragraphs of FALLING THROUGH THE WEAVING. Which version do you like better?
The Old Version
I heard them before I saw them. “Orion!” I called the dog with urgency and he came bounding over. We climbed the bank that bordered the dirt road, found a ledge and huddled by a tree. I slipped my fingers beneath his collar. He’d charge the dirt bikes if I didn’t hold him.
Three off-road motorcycles flew around the corner. One rider cranked the throttle, seemingly for the hell of it, and the loud crack made Orion start. I crouched down and stroked him. “It’s okay, boy.”
The first two bikes screamed by, leaving two-stroke exhaust in their wake. Orion sneezed, and I wrinkled my nose. The last rider looked up as he approached. I waved, but didn’t smile. He lifted a hand, letting off the gas as he passed. He cast a glance over his shoulder as he rode away.
We must’ve made a pretty picture, the handsome black lab and his forest mama. But the dog had a wildness to him, with hound mixed into his blood. And me? Well.
The New Version
Chasing trouble might not have been the wisest choice, but it was better than waiting for trouble to find me. Sooner or later it always did, and my restlessness had grown.
Feet keeping time with the music in my head, I marched recklessly through the bush. Ferns swatted at my thighs, and low branches forced me to duck. Decomposing leaves, soft logs, and mossy growth cushioned my stride.
I inhaled the rich scent of coastal rainforest, but it didn’t have its usual peaceful effect. I was getting closer.
My cheeks tingled, the air on the cold side of brisk. Leaves crunched beneath my boots and rustled in the wind. Above, the sky shone the super-saturated blue that marked the golden days of autumn.
Closer still. My chest nearly crackled with energy—a full-body knowing that the tree grew near.
Original writing by Katrina Ariel
What do you think?
If the opening paragraphs of a book don’t hook the reader, the likelihood of that book being read is slim.
I swear I’ve written this beginning fifty times, but I think toughening up my main character is going to make the difference between a story I want to publish and one that collects virtual dust, so here I am writing it again.
Fiction-loving friends, I hope you’re along for the ride. Your suggestions are welcome, and encouragement is always appreciated.
Thanks for reading!
Peace. @katrina-ariel
Author bio: Katrina Ariel is an old-soul rebel, musician, tree-hugging yogini, and mama bear to twins. Author of Yoga for Dragon Riders (non-fiction) and Wild Horse Heart (romance), she's another free-spirit swimming in the ocean of Steemit.
dragon art: Liiga Smilshkalne
Banner by @PegasusPhysics
Banner by @bearone
If you're concerned with the inside of the book, here is what I suggest, which is also what I did. I have a 5 tome fantasy novel series, also with dragons, so I'm sure I'll enjoy your chronicles, and I did a self-edit through all 5 of them.
The self edit was basically reading a PDF version of the books, with a notebook in which to write notes for changes, marking the page and paragraph, with the first few words, and then the change. For me this was essential for there were a few plotholes and such.
Then I proceeded to find an editor and she edited Book 1 already. She is AMAZING. Her name is Marg Gilks. Here is her website: http://www.scripta-word-services.com/aboutme.html
I had a phone meeting with her before we began working together and she was able to edit the novel to fix what needed fixing in keeping with what I needed and wanted for the book itself. I loved working with her and she will be doing all the other books as well.
Working one on one with a professional editor really helps. You seem to have a good grasp at the direction you want to take this.
The two versions you have there seem to me as though from two different passages. I actually like the old version a lot, it sets a different tone than the second version but seems more relatable to me and I can better envision myself in the main characters shoes. Both are good for the first person POV, I do like them both.
Thank you very much for all your suggestions! I've actually worked with two professional editors in different stages of this novel's life. It's been revised SO many times. lol!
At this point my vision is to take an MC who starts off more timid and helpless, and give her more attitude and agency. It is an adult fiction, not YA, so need to make that more apparent. I'm also taking a plot that has elements that have been done before (time-travel) and attempting to give it a more unique twist by making the MC someone who has been falling through time her whole life, rather than this being the first time. So she's a bit more jaded, less innocence.
I'm a little sad to lose the dog in the opening, but if she's been time travelling all her life, she knows better than to get attached to people and animals (though she'll have serious issues with this as the story goes on, 'cause falling in love is NOT in her plans, but it's gonna happen anyway.)
Have you self-published your books? Please let me know the title and your author name if so and I'll look them up. Yay for dragons! :)
Tone and setting definitely play a part. MY novel is YA and teens and it's a whole new world, with a whole set of new rules, so there's a lot of world building that I had to group up in Appendices as a separate things. I'll make that free and use it for marketing, otherwise in the book it would have taken away from the story. That was a huge change for me.
Could your character bring tha dog with her? A time-travel companion?
The books are not yet published. I am currently in the formatting stage. I successfully formatted my Appendices e-book. I still need to format the actual novel in e-book format and for print version. A friend of mine is working on the cover art. Once she's done, I'm going to have a title reveal, showcasing her art as well, and I'll be sharing my synopsis then too. I'm not sure when that should be, but perhaps later on in April or close to May.
As for publishing, if all goes well, I'm hoping to get it out in the Fall.
Dragons are the best XD
Right on! Publishing is such a process, but super fulfilling and exciting! Looking forward to the reveals and the launch. Best of luck to you!
As for the dog coming along for time travel, it would complicate things too much. She's gonna have kids to bring along soon, and there are dragons to ride, so I'm gonna keep it simple and leave the dog out of it. He didn't get to come along for the ride in the first place, so now we don't have to feel bad for him being left behind, 'cause he's not brought into it in the first place.
Write on! 💖
Cool. Nice play on words ;)
Well, as long as the dog as a home when they leave him he should be fine, I suppose hehe
The dog is well taken care of. I don't want my readers to hate me. No sad animal stuff in my books, I'll stick to human suffering, thanks. ;)
hehe yeah. It's good to hear the doggy is taken care of. I don't think I have any sad animal stuff in my books either, except for the odd horse being injured in battle, cause swords and arrows and all that stuff.
Good work with your editor. Interesting. I may do this if I ever write books.
Sarah Ettritch in the Self-Publishing guide book explains how having an editor or having sample readers are an important part of the process. It depends on what you are writing of course. For example, I only self-edit my fan-fiction because I'm not selling that and it's more for fun that to be professional. Whereas my novel series, that is pro, to be sold in bookstores, so I went with an editor.
Oh, for your title, I personally would be more inclined to put:
Falling
Through
the
Weaving
and have "through" be a bit bigger than "the" but not as big as "Falling" and "Weaving", but that's just me :p
I like your character there. Perhaps we can see what she is seeing on the cover or a hint of it? I don't know, it depends how much you want to reveal about your story. Sarah Ettritch in her book Self Publishing for Canadians has a lot of good advice on the cover art and design.
Even if you'Re not in Canada, her resources and advice for self-publishers is excellent. I have the book and it has helped me so far in my self-publishing journey.
And I really love the glyphs on the cover and symbols. Very intriguing.
I have a feeling I'll end up changing this whole cover. lol! I do like the tree with the Celtic knotwork roots and the nebula effects, but yes, the way you've suggested doing the title is a great option. I have self-published two books in Canada (I live in BC) already, but I hadn't seen that resource yet. Will have to check it out. Again, thank you for your suggestions and for reading my work!
Oh cool. I know a couple people from BC. I'm in Quebec. Almost at the other end of the country ;)
So what are your other two books? Are they on Amazon?
Yes, Yoga for Dragon Riders and Wild Horse Heart are on Amazon, if you're inclined to look them up. One is an unorthodox but comprehensive yoga manual, and the other is a fairytale romance in the film-industry that has received praise from several female directors. My favourite part about Wild Horse Heart is the way the script and the plot intertwine. Thanks for asking! And I'm glad to meet a friend from Quebec! :)
The Yoga one sounds really cool! I'll definitely check them out.
The new version certainly grabbed me, quicker, and more thoroughly overall. I found it flowed well, and the detail and connection improved.
Thank you! I think it's a huge improvement, myself, but it's helpful to hear that you like the flow and craft I'm weaving into this new version. Gratitude for sharing your thoughts!
Agreed. It grabbed me a bit more too, the new version here.
It all depends on your audience. The first version is for a young-adult reader. The second for a more lyrically inclined one.
Nay to people on covers - unless it's teen fiction. Seems to work well there. But you will be targeting an audience with a more limited ability to dive in and explore for themselves. It's hand-holding. It all depends on whether you want to write a good book or a book well-read.... The two need not be mutually exclusive, but for ten thousand to one it is!
Good luck and keep those juices flowing!
Thanks for your thoughts! Yes, I know many don't like people on covers. It's quite common in the romance industry, but I don't know if I like it myself. This is an adult fiction, not young adult, but interesting that you found the tone more of a young adult one in the first version. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. Have a fabulous day!
Agreed, know your audience, your focus.
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wow , you have narrated very beautifully, i like it , waiting for the next version..... ;-)
@adityajainxds #theaalliance
Thank you kindly, my friend. So appreciated!
I like the cover, and Dark/Black hair has been overdone I think. Give her a unique eye color something along a violet color or 6 shades shy of red or something that is different. A blonde bad-ass could work especially if she starts out as an apparent weak willed person that does some very quick growing up.
For on steemit comparison of chapter or edits you might want to use columns, I think @michelle.gent used that method very well in her side by side of How I edit my own work - Plus a story to read too - 14, just a sugestion. I found it pretty easy to see the changes, additions and deletions.
I do not know a lot about editing, and what an editor will do for a person, but along with grammar, spelling and punctuation, make sure there are not to many unaccounted plot jumps. Time travel can be pretty hard, but if you do not make the reader have to thumb backward through the story to find out the "why of something", you should have no problem keeping a timeline even in a time jump story.
Looks like I can look forward to a couple of new stories to read, I don't write, but I do like to read, oh and comment when I read a story.
What an awesome description. ;) Maybe I will keep her lighter hair colour. She has green eyes right now, though. I like violet, but even that has been overdone. Maybe aqua-green, or sage-green?
I think the idea of columns is good for comparison edits, thanks for suggesting that. However, I think because this is a complete rewrite, it also works as old/new 'cause there isn't anything to properly compare. I won't be showing the previous text in every post, that's for sure, but talking about the revision process is helping me get it straight in my head.
I've worked with professional editors on multiple projects, and learned loads along the way. Your point about unaccounted plot jumps is excellent, though, especially in time travel books. Don't want the reader to be distracted and left hanging.
I'm glad to hear that this sounds like a story you're interested in reading. Thanks so much for your comment and encouragement!
The second version might be better in some ways.