There's something I haven't told you about why I left. Wait, before you get upset and turn away... let me introduce you to "me"...

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Some of you may know @heart-to-heart right? Well, that upbeat, vegan-dessert-obsessed, dancing-queen you used to know... I don't know if you noticed but, she disappeared for a bit because she kind of... died.

Here I was, just acting like everything was all normal and whatnot. Hmmm... not exactly. I should tell you the story, I haven't been entirely truthful with you. There's a new girl in town and she needs an introduction.

I'm not talking physically... no... much more intricate and dramatic than that.... more metaphysically, a spiritual death (if you will.) Think of a phoenix going up in flames only to be reborn after, anew.

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How does that happen?

How does someone just experience that?

Well....

Remember how I scurried off to the paradisaical blue waters of the Maldives on a whirlwind adventure for my birthday last month?

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Sounds pretty amazing doesn't it? Paradisaical blue waters.... that's dreamy isn't it?

Well, there's much more to it than that and I didn't even tell you the half of it yet (don't worry, I will!)

Long story short (for now), I went in naive with a grin from ear to ear, walking on sunshine, ready for a huge opportunity and experience that was coming my way, delivered straight from the clouds above but instead, my worst nightmare slammed me down to the ground and refused to let me get back up, rendering me unconscious for what would change my life.

On the inside:

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(Yeah, probably not so flattering, but real.)

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As I kicked and screamed for my life, no one could hear me. No one was listening. I was alone. I wasn't awake. I wasn't dreaming. I was everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. I was lost and I was terrified.

As I tumbled through room after room, searching for the way back to myself, I found myself further and further away from my body, my heart, my life.

I had no idea where I was headed, I just knew that my body, my heart and my mind were in excruciating pain back there and I didn't want to go back. I wanted everything to stop.

I went through the hallways of hell. The scariest, darkest, painfullest, gruesomest place imaginable and begging for it to end, I looked death in the cold, heartless face and begged it to take me away. Past the barricades and away from my screaming body that was wriggling around on a cold floor, eyes pouring tears down my lifeless skin, throat pulsing from the noises escaping in shear terrorizing levels, heart bursting at its' seams... Please don't make me go back.

I sat in this room, in this hallway, looking down on myself and I threatened my body that I would leave it behind. I dared death to usher me around that corner. I defied the pain that was taking over my physical self below where I could see.

Defiant and hell-bent on giving up, I let my breath get further and further away from me until I could feel static behind my eyelids and shortly after, a bursting white light.

Just as I was giving in, giving over, surrendering... with a flash, I was shown a way out. I was shot back into my body without even a space for a thought to enter my mind and in that splitting second, an overwhelming strength overtook me.

It was beyond me. It was more powerful than me and it demanded I return to my body and pull it together!

Somehow, out of some insane miracle that still doesn't make any logical sense to me, I picked myself up and came out of the fire with a burning fury to start anew.

From that moment, I changed and was no longer who I used to be. Who was that girl? I honestly don't know. There are parts of her still within me, I'm sure of that but who you see here is the woman who emerged and she's tough as nails!

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In the heightened moments of sensitivity, when I was vulnerable and shaking on that cold, wet floor, I found these words inside me and I share them with you now. I didn't edit them. I didn't change them at all. They flipped themselves out of me as a reminder to myself that I am more than I know. Here they are.

Words from the fire:

I'm badder bolder and crazier than ever.

I've fallen into my own flames and violently struggled with the burning consuming me from my inner core until finally nothing but ash and an ounce of hope were left.

Without hope we have nothing, but where there is faith, there is hope.

I genuinely believe life has a plan and reminding myself that my reason is somewhere in the meltdown helped me crack the exterior shell I was cased in so that I could beckon my wings and take off to the sky.

I have hit legitimate rock bottom twice in my life now. Yes. I have. Trust me.

At that point, covered in dirt the world kicked on me, I could have surrendered myself to decay and returned to the cycle of life but instead I used that dirt to build me a castle around my body, shielding me from the chaos and attacks around me. Stronger, better, smarter I emerged victorious.

But only so long can a kingdom conquer before eyes set on taking control over such strength and power and so I recently received a tumulous attack. The war raged on, burning, piercing, firing, destruction and rage overcame the castle, causing me to retreat and regain strength. But never surrender. See? After summoning my inner hero, I compelled all of the energy around me and balled it into a superpower to take down the enemy.

I stand here now proud, energized, ectastic and eager to brave any oncoming storm.

I used to think I was a princess, but now I know I'm a queen, a ruler, a powerhouse to be reckoned with and ain't nobody or nothing going to get in my way or take me down.

Watch me rise from the ash and blow the bad away with my sweet kisses.

Xo

Straight from the heart:

Those words are my fire. I won't let anything take me over or try to ruin me from within. We all go through pain and torture and the worst situations possibly imaginable at times but these are our bricks to make us stronger. We need to use it to shape our defense.

I hope that my lesson serves to inspire you or give you a boost if you are feeling in need. Together we are stronger but you have inner strength within that will light you up when you are in darkness. All you need to do is reach for the flame above instead of fumbling around in the dark below.

I never thought I could get through what I was faced with. I thought I was too weak, I thought I wasn't capable, I thought I wasn't worthy but you know what? I am and so are you! We are all more than our experiences. We can choose to power through and have them empower us instead of overtake us.

I wish you the strength to find your own inner power. It's within us all and sometimes it takes falling to the depths of despair to be able to grow our wings.

You see, I didn't share this with you because the old 'me' didn't want to be vulnerable, didn't want to show my skin but in the end, that's just where healing comes from: exposure. Standing here, heart in my hand, baring it all for you here and now. Thank you for hearing me and witnessing my grand transformation. I'm ready to rise up! I'm not hiding anymore!

This girl is on fire! Watch me take off!🔥 🔥 🔥

PS: I shared this with you first because it was written raw, in the moment with fresh tears streaming down my face.

I'm sure you're probably wondering what the heck happened to cause such havoc within me and that quite clearly is so emotional, it requires another post all together. One storm I am braving each day. One storm where I would love to have your warmth beside me. But, let't take on only one storm at a time so the fire stays blazing! 🔥

Sending you love today and everyday,

XO,

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