When your life is a mess and all you did was follow your heart

eskildahr (25)in #writing • 8 years ago (edited)

My life is a complete failure at this point, all signs keeps reassuring me of this. The decisions I've made, the things I've strived for, the conclusions that I've drawn, about others and myself – it looks like most of it was wrong, and that I've spent pretty much the last ten years on a wrong path...

My heart and my illusions has been my map and compass, and I will not deny that every choice I made felt meaningful at the time. I did not get here by chance, or by accident, I was brought here mostly on my own. I also won't deny that part of me still believes that this actually is the right path, but I just cannot justify it anymore...

I was fooled, placed my eggs in the wrong basket. Now I have no other option than to accept the result, I've reached a dead end.

So how do I proceed from this? I'm standing here with my pants down, basically with no resemblance of dignity, and all I want is to leave... I've been living a fairytale, a fairytale that's been kept alive by my inability to accept reality for what it is. I've stepped over corpses, including my own, to keep this fairytale alive. Now I'm looking back over the burning bridges and the aftermath of it all... It's a tragedy indeed, but more importantly, where do I go from here?

I feel like picking up the pieces and disappearing, but for what purpose? Heaven probably won't wait for someone who's consumed in self-pity, who uses old mistakes as an excuse to dwell in isolation... I don't know much, but I do know one thing – heaven is not a tragic, lonely little place... On the other hand, I'd rather stay alone than to cause more problems, and bizarrely enough I can even feel a bit excited about leaving..

Either way, God, or the karma, or the Universal force, probably won't let me get away easily, and send lots of trouble my way... Or perhaps even worse, leave me alone...

#story

8 years ago in #writing by eskildahr (25)

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builderofcastles (64) 8 years ago

No matter where you go, there you are.

Two thoughts on your position. I doubt you really followed your heart.
And, you heart is only one of the "thinking" apparatus you have; also ask your brain and your body.

So, you want to run away because of the shame you feel. Well, it was probably the shame you were running away from all along... but called it following your heart.

Finding your passion and your purpose. No one knows how to tell another how to find these things. There is no road map. There never will be. However, when you ask people who have found their passion, how did you find it? It is always by some strange circuitous path and synchronicity.

Another piece to throw into the mix is that the path that worked for the baby boomers (go to school, get a good job, save for retirement) is now a one way trip to bankruptcy and life destruction. However, you were force-fed this shit your entire govern-cement schooling life. I am pretty sure, that if you followed this path, or tried to do the opposite, both have had a negative effect on where you have ended up.

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phoenixmaid (62) 8 years ago

your post has me torn in two. on the one hand, I want to write a soft warm comment telling you it's all going to be ok. on the other hand, I have a probably quite stereotypical tough love, stop the pity party type comment running through my mind. So I'm going to try and find a middle ground.

Stop beating yourself up,

You made choices, they didn't work out the way you hoped. It happens to all of us. There is no such thing as the perfect set of life choices. Even if there was you could make every right decision in the book and life can still come along and sucker punch you into oblivion.

From the sounds of it, some of the choices you made were ruthless and self-absorbed..Take a deep breath and ask yourself is that true or is this just you beating yourself? If it is true and you've pushed everyone out of your way to get what you want then it's time to have a good long look at how you can turn things around. Bridges can be rebuilt but it takes time to earn that trust back.
if you can't rebuild a particular bridge then build new ones.

You may be at a dead end but fuck it life is a maze, pull your pants back up, turn around, and walk back the way you came until you find that new path.
It's never to late to start over.

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