Another letter to Amanda.

Dear Amanda.
As always I hope you're doing well where ever you are.

I can't believe it's been 7 years now.. It feels like it was yesterday.
I continue to feel guilty I've been able to be here so much longer than you..

I know you wouldn't want me to feel that way, it's just something I haven't been able to get over and probably never will.

It's disturbing to me to think about how short your stay was here and I feel like I don't deserve to be here as much as you.

You did make an amazing impact with your time here, I wish you had more time and can only imagine how much different life would be if you did.

I still think about you on a regular basis and it's difficult for me to accept you're not here physically. I have a feeling it always will be, no matter how long I live or what happens in life..

My life recently has been a bit challenging. I'm still poor and feel stuck and I realize I'm getting older.. Starting to get grey hairs and wrinkles and.. It just doesn't seem fair that you didn't get to be here as long as me.

I still haven't met anyone else in a romantic sense that I feel like I could be with who hasn't given up on me. I'm still trying, though.. I just have my doubts I'll ever meet someone sometimes.

That was something I wanted to experience not just for me, but for you as well cause I know you would probably not want me to be alone and also I wanted to do it for you because I know that's something you wanted to experience and I was hoping that if I did that that you could experience it through me in spirit in a weird sort of way.

I feel ashamed and disappointed I haven't been able to do that for you, for myself, for all my friends and family and the world in general cause I know I could have been so much more to so many more people and such a more loving and helpful presence on the planet if I had someone else in my life and didn't have to go through it alone.

So.. Now I'm mostly just focusing on making money and getting my physical fitness and health in better order and hopefully some day it happens but if not, oh well. At least I got to meet you.. And I got to go on that magical walk with you and get a few hugs and spend around half a year talking with you.

Getting to know you made my whole life worth it and it's fine if I never meet anyone else and remain pretty much a virgin for my whole life. Sometimes I wonder how I could even ask for more? Getting to know you briefly means so much to me. I feel like one of the luckiest people on the planet that I had a chance to get to know you.

Recently I've been exploring the dream world a lot more and I talked to some people who made me think maybe we can talk to our loved ones in the dream world.. I dunno if that's true or not, but I would like to meet you in the dream world if possible.

I used to dream about you pretty often though it has been a while since you showed up in one of my dreams. I hope we can meet in the dream world before too much longer.. It would be great to see you. :)

In regards to other stuff going on with my life, I should hopefully be getting a new job soon which should hopefully help me turn around my life for the better.
And I've also been doing the IFC contest which is incredibly satisfying for me, there haven't been as many players as last year I think mostly cause the whole crypto market is down but there's still a good group of players and it's been a ton of fun so far!

I still have hopes and dreams that the IFC contest is going to be really big and popular one day, and that through that I can make a more positive change in the world.

I think a lot of that depends on what the crypto market does, though I'm happy to continue doing it even with a small amount of people and even if the prizes aren't very big.. It's truly a unique and rewarding experience that I feel incredibly grateful to be a part of.

Sometimes it's hard to keep going and I feel lost and like nothing I do matters very much anymore, though then I think of you and how brave and strong and loving you were and I know I need to keep trying to do whatever good I can in this world while I'm still here.

You're such an amazing person, I feel endlessly grateful and fortunate I was able to meet you and I look forward to meeting you again in my dreams or when I finally pass to the next world.

Thanks for being one of the best friends I ever had in this life and for being someone I will always cherish and remember.
Much love always and.. Bye until next time, my friend. <3